1.31.2006

but what do you want?

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the
London underground when it struck me
that I've been waiting since birth to find a
love that would look and sound like a movie
So I changed my plans I rented a camera and
a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love
again." and you agreed to
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and I want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd


I greased the lens and framed the shot using
a friend as my stand-in
the script it called for rain but it was clear
that day so we faked it
the marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on
the set" and then called "action!"
and I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would
have admired (I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth,
that love is real"
and I want life in every word to the extent
that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but
do you ever get the fear
that your perfect verse is just a lie
you tell yourself to help you get by?

[The Postal Service, "Clark Gable," from Give Up]

you must see this now

18 chickens in lingerie dancing in perfect unison to funky music [link broken :(( 10/27/12]

I found this thanks to the gifts that I received this morning from George, which I shall photograph and post here at lunch.

[updated]
George's gift

1.28.2006

a different sun

She made a decision to grow her heart toward a different sun, she said, and gradually that's what happened. It was a decision, she said, and then it was her life.
[John Burnham Schwartz]
    This passage has been on my mind a lot lately. The book that it is from--a novel called Claire Marvel--is excellent, among my top ten. As explained in a review that I wrote after first reading it:
This is a very sad book. A stylistic combination of Losing Julia and An Elegy for September [which I loved but seemingly anyone else has hated]. There are no good guys or bad guys, in a sense, and it is all very illustrative of itself. Hard to explain, yet very simple. It is about love, and not love.
    At the point from which the passage is taken, the protagonist is staying with a family friend in France and reading his father's journals. He reads of a relationship with a young woman who was not his [the protagonist's] mother—the woman who would, late in life, become this family friend. The protagonist's father eventually left the young woman and she was heartbroken. "C. nursed her hurt for a long while, and L. offered consolation. He was patient, even reverent, and he was loyal. She made a decision to grow her heart toward a different sun, she said, and gradually that's what happened. It was a decision, and then it was her life."
    Is that possible? Can one make such a decision, logical and controlled, to feel nothing, or to feel, but for someone else? And if one can, is that feeling real? Or is it always to be a hobbled feeling, and asterisk, a "but for..."? Will it eventually become as real as the initial feeling, felt for someone else? Or perhaps even more real because it is shared, and even initially overlapped by the patience and kindness and loyalty of that person with whom it is shared?
    There have been times in my past when I wished to feel nothing. Oddly, there have been memorable times in my recent past when I have thought that I should wish to feel nothing, that the lack of feeling (or the ability to throw aside the feeling) would save me. But I have, at those moments, chosen to hold particularly close to the feeling because I know that it is true. I don't hurt because I want to, I hurt because I do. And God help me if I don't.
    And there have been memorable times in my recent past when I have wished for others to feel...less. Not 'nothing', perhaps, but certainly less. Because the seeming 'depth' of the feelings--or at least the depth of the expression, or the willingness of the expression--is uncomfortable and inconvenient and troubling. Like flowers after a funeral, what is one to do with all of the 'extra'? Some is nice, flattering, comforting, comfortable. Too much is...stifling. Uncomfortable. It makes one wonder if the emotion behind the giving is really what it seems, or driven by guilt or the desire for a response. What response is right? Appropriate? Expected?
    I don't know what the answers might be. Or if there are answers at all. I only know that there are questions, always questions.
    And perhaps a different sun?

1.27.2006

gaaaaaaah

    I cannot take it anymore!
    I'm guessing there must be some strange astrological phenomenon comin' down this weekend, or something like that, because I am just totally weird today, even given my usual level of weirdness. I'm listening to the Ode to J.W. and the song "I Wish" by Semisonic just came on. I'm sort of humming/mouthing the words/occasionally singing while cataloging the new Woodall's North American Campground Directory and eating a poptart [frosted strawberry] (hence the noncontinuous singing). I suddenly have the same thought that I've had literally hundreds of times before:
The guy who wrote this song is so clearly from my home state.
    I don't know if this is so patently obvious to the rest of the world, but that fact fairly stands up and declares itself every time I hear the song. And I couldn't let one more moment go by without telling someone about it. Maybe this is just silly, the result of working alone in an office with no windows (a nod to George). Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be going away, so why not get it all down? So, here are the lyrics, and I've italicized the lines that make it so totally apparent that one of my countrymen (so to speak) wrote this:
I wish I could be anyone but the one that I am now
I wish I could see any scene but the one I hang around
I wish I could do anything but the things I always do
No matter how I try to sing along
Something is always wrong
What I wish I knew

I wish I could drive in the car that you drive around the Bay
I wish I could ride in the back seat you're riding in today
I wish I could be more like someone you wish that I could be
No matter how I change it anyway
You won't even say if you really want me

I can try to please you
Get down on my knees for you
Go outside and freeze for you
Cross the high seas for you
Whatever you need me to
I can climb the trees for you
Twist in the breeze for you
But there's one thing that I can never do
I can't believe for you
I can't believe in me for you

I wish I could turn into somebody far, far away
I wish I could make myself satisfactory in every way
I wish I could know whether you really know what you need
If I could only be somebody else
I wouldn't be myself
And maybe you'd want me


I can try to please you
Get down on my knees for you
Go outside and freeze for you
Swim the high seas for you
Whatever you need me to
I've been climbing the trees for you
Twisting in the breeze for you
But one thing I can never, never do
I can't believe for you
I can't believe for you
I can't believe in me for you

1.26.2006

does anybody know where I put my...

    I was flipping through the zillion ancient messages in my gmailbox this last weekend, struggling with my conscience over which messages still require replies, which require personal replies (as in, letters or calls or even visits) due to the idiocy of my tardiness, and which have been languishing for so long that to reply would be more insulting than to slink off into the ether. Amidst the clutter of work-related blah blah from The Cat (to which I'd already replied in another forum, nine times out of ten) and 20 messages from the ex about cat-sitting (which has been done), I found something that has me confused. It is a set of query results from WorldCat (FirstSearch). The search is this, for those who will understand this sort of thing: "(au: ocean and au: colour and au: scene and dt="rec") and mt:cda". In other words, I was searching for music CDs (that's the rec & cda parts) in which the "author" (or, in this case, artist) part of the record includes the words "ocean colour scene", although not as a phrase.
     Anyway, there are 10 hits. The top 2 are compilations (Music from the motion picture Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Substitute: The Songs of the Who), and the rest are CDs from Ocean Colour Scene.
    Who in the hell are Ocean Colour Scene? Why did I want them? Where did I come up with the impetus for that search? Does anyone know?? I'm starting to feel a little bit insane about this.
     Oh, and the search was done in September. September! Why did I look for it then, and then not bother trying to actually acquire the CD[s] right away? This is just so odd....

1.23.2006

a horse, a crab, and Mandy Patinkin?!

    I took the Love Test on SparkNotes, and I found out that I'm...
...in luuurve [Once again, click the image to enlarge.]

You Should Be A Cancer
What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous
What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand
In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection
In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support
Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure
Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood
You like to pig out on: classic home-cooked meals, like mac and cheese

I've italicized the particularly apt bits. It's really quite true, and my "moon sign" is Cancer anyway, so I'll buy it.

Inigo!
Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

[Hee hee hee :)]

the *only* problem

    I'm at work, looking at my first full week (with any luck) in about a month. There is an absolutely obnoxious amount of work here for me. I cannot even express how behind I am. I'm listening to the Cat's second mix, which is just terribly chipper (the current song is Nelson, for God's sake!) My sweater is itchy, my bracelet is pokey, my tea is cooling too quickly, my shoes are tight (with these socks, chosen because my feet were cold when I got out of bed). It's going to be a long day. And if that were my only problem....
Everybody wants an easy ride on the merry-go-round that we call life
Take a drive on cruise control, then you wake to find it's a winding road
I had my dreams in view when the money ran out and the engine blew
Hung my tears out to dry, then my dreams fell out of the clear blue sky
And I--I was walking in the clouds, feeling so safe and sound
'Til something else knocks me down

Oh, and that's the way it is
You got to roll with the punches
Oh, and that's the way it goes
You've got to bend when the wind blows
You live, you learn
You crash, you burn
And that's the way it is
One fine day you wake up,
Completely, hopelessly fallen in love
He's just what you're looking for
The only problem is that the man's not sure
Another guy will give you everything
The only problem is you don't feel a thing

Well, I know from experience, nothing's ever going to make perfect sense
Oh, one day you get what you want, but it's not what you think, then you get what you need

Oh, and that's the way it is
You've got to roll with the punches
Oh, and that's the way it goes
You've got to bend when the wind blows
You live, you learn
You crash, you burn
And that's the way it is

Yeah
They say your soul is growing
But sometimes I feel like throwing...something
And that's they way it is
You've got to roll with the punches
And that's they way it goes
You've got to bend when the wind blows
- - -
You live, you learn
You crash, you burn
And that's the way it is

1.22.2006

what else to do, on a Sunday morning?

    I just discovered that I eat Reese's Pieces in reverse preference order (brown-orange-yellow). This is the opposite of the order in which I consume M&Ms, which is to start with the preferred (see here for details) in a sort of "life is short, eat dessert first" scheme. I also seem to eat them (Reese's) in groups of 3. Given a recent conversation with a friend about self-diagnosing for mental illness, I'm led to wonder if I have a tendency toward OCD...?

1.21.2006

for Helen

snowing     Yesterday, I attended the meeting from hell. The details aren't important, though that is an odd thing to say given the topic of the meeting. If you really desire more information, the Cat gave a succinct explanation of the substance. The only thing that I can add is that I popped an Imitrex around 11:00, when I realized that I'd been clutching my forehead and/or nose for several minutes, hoping that the pain would abate. And that it really does seem strange that the cafeteria ran out of pasta before noon. I was honestly looking forward to ravioli (I should have been skeptical of such a thing, in the middle of nowhere, but there's no accounting for taste), and was disappointed when I discovered that they were out.
it almost looks peaceful    While we were at the meeting, it began to snow. Well, rain and snow, off and on. Nothing was sticking, though, and at first it seemed to be one of those deals where we might get out easy. Well, we're not stupid, so we were still taking it pretty slow regardless. It's just a really good thing that we got out when we did. The meeting site is about 60 mi. (37 km) SSW of my current location. We arrived in less than an hour in the morning. It took us nearly two hours to get to my place in the evening. It didn't help that, on the first road that we took off of the interstate, we saw what looked like a 4WD truck on its side fully 50 feet (15+ m) off of the road. It was not crushed, but just resting on its side as if it had slid for a very long time. On the drivers' side. Very scary. At that point we were moving at around 45 mph (72+ km/hr) but our speed slowed as a result of that sight. As did everyone else's who was driving anywhere around us. It was pretty scary. (I'm certain that the emergency workers who were running around that truck appreciated the increased care, too.)
i am so smrt     Once home, I did all the things one usually does upon returning through the snow—the first measurable snow in January, I think—after a long day at a looooooong meeting in hell: I kicked off my shoes, made some spiral Mac 'n Cheese, and sat down to read my book. I finished The Brothers K last week—didn't bother reviewing it since every time I've ever mentioned it on the blog I go on and on about how it's my favorite book, so are you going to believe me anyway if I tell you why it's my favorite?—and was floundering for something that would be even half as good. I'm currently trying to get into Tipping the Velvet. It was recommended by a close friend who has good taste, but...this is pretty weird stuff. Is that an "acceptable" word? "Weird," I mean? Because it's a lesbian novel, though that's not, truly, not what I mean by weird. God knows I've read more "scandalous" stuff, hundreds of times. And unless it changes dramatically later, this isn't really so explicit. It is, simply, strange, unlike anything I've read, though not in a way that I could describe as "good" or that faint, damning "interesting;" I would say "compelling." So I read my book and ate dinner (such as it was), lit all the candles I could find, and tried not to think.
really comin' down     At some point I realized it was really quiet. I mean, strangely quiet. Too quiet. It was Friday night, and there was no traffic. I put down my book and stood up, turned to face the windows, and was surprised to discover that I couldn't see the road. It was snowing so hard that I literally couldn't see 50 feet away. The only sounds I could hear were the swishing of the snowflakes against the window...and sirens. All evening, sirens. Judging by how it felt when we were driving home, it must have been terribly slippery. Yet it was beautiful: that crazy sort of beautiful where it is also cold and messy and dangerous. It must speak to my inner home-state-er, because it is very difficult for me to resist it. And finally, I could not. Because I was already 'in' for the evening, though, I contented myself with removing the screen and opening the living room window to take some pictures. Got myself (and my chair, and my windowsill) all snowy in the process, but it was worth it.

1.19.2006

mostly back

    I've returned from a very short trip to the home state. I drove five hours up on Tuesday night, then caught a few hours' sleep. Wednesday morning was a funeral, one of the nicest I've seen. It was both sad and really, really beautiful—a real tribute to the man and to his family. Afterward, I had lunch with friends and then lunch with my parents (don't ask, it's a sort of local thing) and then drove back. I am incredibly tired of being in the car, incredibly tired of the CDs that I took along (why so similar?!), incredibly tired of the Fritos and peanut M&Ms that fueled my rides and served as "dinner" for the last two days.
    I am at work, feeling personally and professionally disjointed. I'm struggling with the 780s, recataloging music CDs in a way that is at once organized and useful; it's no simple feat. What I would really like to do is to go home and go back to bed, because it's hard to believe I'm of much use to anyone here today. My mind is on 'greater things'. Friendship, vows, honesty, commitment, family, a 45-year marriage and the meaning of "death parts us," what spurs us to do the most unreasonable things: to drive 600 miles in a day, just to say, "If you need anything...;" to tell someone "I'm glad you're home" when you've seen them less than a day before; to love someone despite wanting (or even because you want [strongly]) to kick their teeth in.
Sometimes at night when the heart stumbles and stops
a full second endless the endless steps
that lead me on through this time terrain
without edges and beautiful terrible
are gone never to proceed again.

Here is a moment of enormous trouble
when the kaleidoscope sets unalterable
and at once without meaning without motion
like a stalled aeroplane in the middle sky
ready to fall down into a waiting ocean.

Blackness rises. Am I now to die
and feel the steps no more and not see day
break out its answering smile of hail all's well
from east full round to east and hear the bird
whistle all creatures that on earth do dwell?

Not now. Old heart has stopped to think of a word
as someone in a dream by far too weird
to be unlikely feels a kiss and stops
to praise all heaven stumbling in all his senses...
and suddenly hears again the endless steps.

[Kenneth Mackenzie (1913-1955), 'Caesura']

1.13.2006

catching up on some way overdue memeage

Your Stripper Song Is
Closer by Nine Inch Nails
"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no
Soul to tell"

When you dance, it's a little scary--and a lot sexy.
 
    I don't know about you, but that is frightening to me. I mean, really frightening. But then, I took the quiz in the first place, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised by anything.
    I took the SparkLife Personality Test, and discovered that I am a Guru. Click on the hippie to expand the jpeg--it'll make the thing readable. (SparkLife doesn't provide code, so I created the jpeg myself and didn't bother customizing it to the size of my column. So sue me, 'cause what you've got looks pretty fuckin' cool as it is, eh?)

personality test result for Guru     Whatever, man.

    OK, I admit to having had to fuck with this one to get "the right answer," but that only reinforces the rightness of the answer. BWA ha ha ha ha!

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut
    A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image.
    On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex.
    You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time.
    Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

So. There you have it.

gotta get me some...

Tall boots:
goofy tall boots
or Croc boots:
goofy but intriguing croc boots or Vintage-looking dress:
demurely beautiful red dressor perhaps the Corset dress, in black:
dom gownor earrings:
2ct diamond earrings and a necklace:
little bitty rock on a chain Not anytime soon. But it's fun to look, and to pretend.

1.11.2006

perfect is a fault, and fault lines change

    The poet Wendell Berry wrote to his wife, 'The Wild Rose':

Sometimes...I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.
Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket...
and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.

    Maybe that is the point of obstruction, of pain, of heartbreak, of those seemingly endless choices in life--those that, in the end, are not choices, and do not signify the end but only another page turning: the point is that we are being given the gift, the opportunity to say, voluntarily, willingly, consciously, with open heart, where before we said it with reservation or whispered a prayer to the moon while jumping in with hope and a dream but with fear, too--of saying, "I choose. I don't simply 'accept' or 'take' or 'see how it goes'. I choose."
    And I do choose.
    I do.

[Thank you, Heidi.]

of particular interest to men

The quote of the day:

He who wants milk should not sit in the middle of a field
and wait for a cow to back up to him.

[Proverb, (Italian)]

1.10.2006

allright already!

    I'm up! I'm up!
     I've been awake since 6:33, thanks to the unending blaring of my two alarm clocks. It is imperative that I leave the apartment by 7:30, haul my ass to the ex-house, and feed & tend to the cats properly. I've been at their beck & call for a full week already, and they have me 'til Saturday morning. Yesterday they were total shitballs. In the morning they'd popped the lid on their food storage container, so they were gorging themselves on Science Diet Senior Maintenance—irony, anyone?—overnight, and when I entered the house expecting to hear the usual "Feed us, damn it!" all I got was, "Hey, baby, wassup?" accompanied by some belly-patting and self-satisfied smirking.
     So I cleaned up their baccanalian display, scolded them soundly, and took off.
     When I returned in the evening, they'd taken the box of baggies from atop their litter box (don't contemplate it too closely) and emptied it onto the floor. It was a new box. One hundred zip-lock sandwich bags strewn about the room. I could have clocked them both. And they looked at me as if to say, "Cool, huh?" I was talking to them for the entire time that I retrieved the bags, but not saying much in English.
     Not surprising since the last two movies that I saw were La Femme Nikita and Animal House.
     OK, it's now 7:07 and I'm in a bathrobe. I need to get dressed, do my hair, gather up all my meeting crap, dash to the house, do cat stuff, then drive (at my continuing peril!!!) to the NIC CAT meeting in R-ford (why, o why, am I the chair of this stupid committee?!). Afterward, Olive Garden and a brief window of sanity with the Cat before returning to my life.

1.06.2006

got you on my mind

My 600th post.

I've been stealing
Time where I can get it from
I've been losing
Grip on what I used to hold
If I could get another chance
I'd put it in a zip-loc bag
And keep it in my pocket...

Tell me
When I start to blow it would you
Show me
What I need to do before you
Hate me
I could never live with that so
Tell me
Before you're better off without me...

I've been watching you
Sleeping with a troubled look
I'm sure your bad dreams
Are probably all about me
And better off without me...

Tell me
When I start to blow it would you
Show me
Tell me
What I need to do before you
Hate me
Tell me
'Cause I could never live with that so
Help me
Before you're better off without me


[Lit, "Zip-lock", from A Place in the Sun]

do you think it's really true?

The Who's Your Leading Man Test
CLARK GABLE
 
    You scored 66% Bad Boy, 72% Classy-Cool, 63% Witty-Charming, and 41% Comic-Musical! Sharp, sexy, and slightly volatile, your man is CLARK GABLE.
    When Judy Garland sang "You made me love you, I didn't want to do it...", well, it's just not surprising that she was singing about Clark Gable. He's dashing, witty, and really, really sexy, big ears and all. I mean, let's face it, the ladies might put up a fight, but sooner or later they all give in to him. Deep down he's really a decent guy, he just knows what he wants and he goes after it, and he won't have anyone tell him no. So maybe he can't always control his passions, and maybe he can be a bit forceful...I don't know about you, but that's definitely a turn on for me!
     My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
         You scored higher than 85% on Bad Boy.
         You scored higher than 90% on Classy-Suave.
         You scored higher than 45% on Witty-Charming.
         You scored higher than 25% on Comic-Musical.

Your Love Element Is Metal
    In love, you inspire and respect your partner.
    For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.
    You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
    Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

    Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.
    You connect best with: Earth. Avoid: Fire. You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other.

1.05.2006

without her, you die

    I spent most of yesterday alone, closed up in my apartment or at the ex-house, hiding from the world. I read more of The Brothers K, including this poem, (which is claimed to have been written by a sixteenth-century seamstress named Anjana):

You hide your heart from the Dark Lord's arrows
Then beg to the be the post that pierces His ear.
You dodge the dagger that would spill your blood
Then ask to be the pen in His hand.
"Bring the wine of love!" sing the hired qawalis
 
While in your vineyard grapes rot on the vine.
"Grind me to dust!" they wail, as you
Bathe, then carefully dress for dinner.
Singers sell yearning like courtesans their favors.
Is this rented noise your refuge, O king?
Anjana says:
Empty prayers are the smile on the face
Of the assassin.
Arrows still yearn in the
Quiver. The ink still yearns in the pen.
The dust lies at your doorstep.
The Dark Lord listens.

and one of those lines that haunts. A group of ballplayers are talking about space.
"[Doctor Dave asked,] 'And how would you describe the relationship between planet Doort and el sol?'
Gil Jarrel: 'Warmly.'
Jim McGeorge: 'Distant.'
No Last Name Darrel: 'Essential.'
Warm, distant, essential. Which is it?' asked Doctor Dave. The pen pointed.
'Boaf,' said Jimmy Sims. 'Sun's like a woman, Dave. Too close and she'll burn ya. 'Thout her you die.'"

1.03.2006

passions

My occasional series contemplating the American Film Institute's top 100s continues with America’s Greatest Love Stories of All Time (a.k.a. Top 100 Passions).

I've indicated the ones that I've seen, followed by brackets for [own] or [want].
  1. Casablanca, 1942 [own]
  2. Gone with the Wind, 1939
  3. West Side Story, 1961
  4. Roman Holiday, 1953
  5. An Affair to Remember, 1957
  6. The Way We Were, 1973
  7. Doctor Zhivago, 1965
  8. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946
  9. Love Story, 1970
  10. City Lights, 1931
  11. Annie Hall, 1977
  12. My Fair Lady, 1964
  13. Out of Africa, 1985
  14. The African Queen, 1951
  15. Wuthering Heights, 1939
  16. Singin' in the Rain, 1952 [own] [updated 5-8-07]
  17. Moonstruck, 1987
  18. Vertigo, 1958
  19. Ghost, 1990 [want--it was extremely significant to my mental health at one point in my past. I mean, this film may have literally saved my life.]
  20. From Here to Eternity, 1953
  21. Pretty Woman, 1990 [own--'cause what woman who graduated from college in the '90s does not own this movie?]
  22. On Golden Pond, 1981
  23. Now, Voyager, 1942
  24. King Kong, 1933
  25. When Harry Met Sally..., 1989 {I really did not like this movie all that much. So sue me.}
  26. The Lady Eve, 1941
  27. The Sound of Music, 1965 {ack. gag. barf.}
  28. The Shop around the Corner, 1940
  29. An Officer and a Gentleman, 1982
  30. Swing Time, 1936
  31. The King and I, 1956
  32. Dark Victory, 1939
  33. Camille, 1937
  34. Beauty and the Beast, 1991
  35. Gigi, 1958
  36. Random Harvest, 1942
  37. Titanic, 1997
  38. It Happened One Night, 1934
  39. An American in Paris, 1951 [own]--and this is much more romantic than Singin' in the Rain! [updated 5-8-07]
  40. Ninotchka, 1939
  41. Funny Girl, 1968
  42. Anna Karenina, 1935
  43. A Star Is Born, 1954
  44. The Philadelphia Story, 1940
  45. Sleepless in Seattle, 1993 {hee hee hee}
  46. To Catch a Thief, 1955
  47. Splendor in the Grass, 1961
  48. Last Tango in Paris, 1972 [updated 5-8-07]
  49. The Postman Always Rings Twice, 1946
  50. Shakespeare in Love, 1998 [own]
  51. Bringing up Baby, 1938
  52. The Graduate, 1967 {loved it}
  53. A Place in the Sun, 1951
  54. Sabrina, 1954 {saw the Harrison Ford/Julia Ormond deal. Not all that impressed.}
  55. Reds, 1981
  56. The English Patient, 1996
  57. Two for the Road, 1967
  58. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, 1967
  59. Picnic, 1955
  60. To Have and Have Not, 1944
  61. Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1961 {made me sob, but that could've been the final Cat sequence and nothing more. George Pepard is très beau!}
  62. The Apartment, 1960 {"When you're in love with a married man, you shouldn't wear mascara."}
  63. Sunrise, 1927
  64. Marty, 1955
  65. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967 {I think?}
  66. Manhattan, 1979
  67. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951
  68. What's Up, Doc?, 1972
  69. Harold and Maude, 1971
  70. Sense and Sensibility, 1995 [own]
  71. Way Down East, 1920
  72. Roxanne, 1987
  73. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, 1947
  74. Woman of the Year, 1942
  75. The American President, 1995
  76. The Quiet Man, 1952
  77. The Awful Truth, 1937
  78. Coming Home, 1978
  79. Jezebel, 1939
  80. The Sheik, 1921
  81. The Goodbye Girl, 1977
  82. Witness, 1985
  83. Morocco, 1930
  84. Double Indemnity, 1944
  85. Love is a Many-Splendored Thing, 1955
  86. Notorious, 1946 [updated 5-8-07]
  87. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 1988 {worst movie I've seen, hands-down}
  88. The Princess Bride, 1987 {"As you wish!"}
  89. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966
  90. The Bridges Of Madison County, 1995 {gak}
  91. Working Girl, 1988
  92. Porgy And Bess, 1959
  93. Dirty Dancing, 1987
  94. Body Heat, 1981
  95. Lady and the Tramp, 1955
  96. Barefoot in the Park, 1967
  97. Grease, 1978
  98. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, 1939
  99. Pillow Talk, 1959
  100. Jerry Maguire, 1996

visions of C-day

A few photos from the holidays in the home state:

eggs & globes
[the egg-and-globe collection]

Beacon
[the dog that has wanted to eat me since his birth]

carousel
[the hand-carved wooden carousel at Lark Toys]

river @ Cafe
[the River at my hometown, very much frozen-over]

Comet
[Hallmarkarama]

Bacon Bit
[that same dog, licking the handle of my car door in an attempt to get into the car--I locked the door]

ittle tree
[not quite a Charlie Brown tree, but it is quite small]

1.02.2006

elderly

    I've been doing this for 2 years today.
     In other news, there is a persistent misperception running amok regarding the word "warm." The temperature where I am today is 39°, feels like 30°, (with intermittent thunderstorms). I have heard more times than I can count, "Isn't it warm today?" or "Man, it's so warm today!"
     It's not fucking warm today. It's still cold as shit outside. While 39° is relatively less cold than the fucking ridiculous -25° that I encountered a week or so ago, it's still not "warm"!
     So I'm working today, right? Well, I've been at work, anyway, which is more than nothing. It's a little bit hard to concentrate when I know that no one else in their right mind is at work today (I'm looking forward to the commentary on that little throw-away phrase!). And it's cold and wet outside and SWC isn't running today, so it's the perfect day to sleep until noon and then watch a movie with the world's leanest human furnace. We saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin and The Godfather this weekend. Very different, and both very good. Highly recommended. Once again, though—as with Goodfellas—we had Italian food during the viewing of The Godfather. I would recommend against that culinary decision. "Mmm, horse head & pizza. Yummy." Leave the gun; take the cannolis.
     My Attorney Registration & Disciplinary Commission registration fee (i.e. law license) was due yesterday. I wonder what happens to me, now that I haven't paid it? I mean, I'm going to register (online) before today is through, so I'd imagine that it'll all become clear before too long. But what a fucking scam this is. $90/year, year after interminable year, just for the joy of saying that I'm a lawyer. Woo hoo.
    I talked to my dad on the phone yesterday, as we always do on Sundays. He was teasing me about never sending email anymore. I ended up defending myself, doing the "I've been busy" thing, when what I really wanted to say was, "I spent ten days living with you. Since then, I've been home for 5 days. What do you think I've been doing that I could possibly tell you about?!" Seriously, he does NOT want to know the details of my activities for that time period. That would be disastrous to his comfort level. And anyway, it's not as if my inbox has been overflowing with newsy missives from the north. I'm supposed to come up with this stuff on my own? Sheesh.
    Well. On that snarky note, I guess it's time to cram the rest of my PB&J on toast in and head back to the office. I was late this morning (woke at 8:19, arrived at 8:39. Only 9 minutes late, which I think is pretty damned good, considering!) and will need to make up that 9 min. (actually 15, since the fucking time clock rounds to the nearest quarter hour) after 5:00. Just so much more petty bullshit. Sigh.
    Hope y'all are enjoying your day off. I envy you.

1.01.2006

caught

    Best New Year's Eve ever. Starting out the day in the doldrums, with no expectations, sure left a lot of room for surprises. There is more to be said, but perhaps it is best to leave it to the professionals.

Mary Oliver, from the poem "West Wind," from her book West Wind:
2:
You are young. So you know everything. You leap
into the boat and begin rowing. But, listen to me. Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without
any doubt, I talk directly to your soul. Listen to me. Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and your heart, and heart’s little intelligence, and listen to me. There is life without love. It is not worth a bent penny, or a scuffed shoe. It is not worth the body of a dead dog nine days unburied. When you hear, a mile away and still out of sight, the churn of the water as it begins to swirl and roil, fretting around the sharp rocks—when you hear that unmistakable pounding—when you feel the mist on your mouth and sense ahead the embattlement, the long falls plunging and steaming—then row, row for your life toward it.

4:
But how did you come burning down like a
wild needle, knowing
just where my heart was?

5:
There are night birds, in the garden below us, singing.
Oh, listen!
For a moment I thought it was
our own bodies.
9:
And what did you think love would be like? A summer day? The brambles in their places, and the long stretches of mud? Flowers in every field, in every garden, with their soft beaks and their pastel shoulders? On one street after an-other, the litter ticks in the gutter. In one room after another, the lovers meet, quarrel, sicken, break apart, cry out. One or two leap from windows. Most simply lean, exhausted, their thin arms on the sill. They have done all that they could. The golden eagle, that lives not far from here, has perhaps a thousand tiny feathers flowing from the back of its head, each one shaped like an infinitely small but perfect spear.
10:
Dark is as dark does.
~
Something with the smallest wings shakes itself from under a thumb of bark.

The ocean breathes in its silver jacket.
~
Outside, hanging on the trellis, in the moonlight,
the flowers are opening, each one
as fancy in its unfurl as a difficult thought.
~
So we cross the dark together.
~
Outside: the almost liquid beauty of the flowers.
~
Now the linnets awake.
Now the pearls of their voices are falling
in the morning light.
~
Did we sleep long? Is it this life still, or
is it the next life, already? Are we gone, then?
Are we there?
~
How will we ever know?

13:
It is midnight, or almost.
Out in the world the wind stretches
bundles back into itself like a hundred
bolts of lace then stretches again

flows itself over the windowsill and into the room

it scatters the papers from the desk
it is in love with disorganization

now the manuscript is on the floor, and reshuffled
now the chapters have married each other
now the alphabet is lost
now the white curtains are tossing wing on wing
now the body of the wind snaps

it sniffs the closet it touches into the pockets of the coats
it touches the shells upon the shelves
it touches the tops of the books
it slides along the walls

now the lamplight wavers
as the body of the wind swings over the light
outside a million stars are burning
now the ocean calls to the wind

now the wind like water slips under the sash
into the yard the garden the long black sky

in my room after such disturbance I sit, smiling.
I pick up a pencil, I put it down, I pick it up again.
I am thinking of you.
I am always thinking of you.