dig a ditch deep enough / to keep you clear of the sun

• What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? I've never mastered it, but I fake it well. Hmm--does that mean I've mastered it after all? No, probably not.
• How's your heart lately? battered
• Did you just wake up? nah, I saw the clock at 10:12 this morning
• What's the color of the hand soap in your bathroom? it's colorless
• The next person you'll hold hands with, will it mean anything? surely--I'm not a casual hand-holder. Don't take that the wrong way: it'll probably be one of two children with whom I'll spend time in the next couple of weeks.
• What is your middle name? hasn't changed since the last time I answered this question
• What can you hear right now? "She Moves in Her Own Way" by the Kooks, and my neverending motherfucking air conditioning
• Who was your last text from? Farmer E, negotiating
• Are you someone's close friend? so I've been told
• Last time you cried? in the shower that most closely followed the experiences revealed in the last post. If this blog is "get it all down," that shower was "get it all out."
• When's the last time you looked in the dictionary? the day last week when 'prosaic' didn't look right on the page
• Have you seen all the Rocky movies? prolly?
• What books, if any, have made you cry? *snort*: that's a long, long list! The Brothers K would be very high on it, though not for such obvious reasons. The most recent was Nick Earls' Perfect Skin--a lovely, lovely book.
• Last thing you drank? wild blueberry tea
• When's the last time you chose a bath over a shower? Tuesday night
• Where did you sleep last night? ...my bed?!
• Do you have good vision? with the assistance of my Coke-bottle contact lenses, it's correctable to 20/20
• What was the last movie you saw in theaters? God knows. Anybody wanna go see a damned film with me, so I can answer this question?!
• Has anyone ever cheated on you? yes.
• Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? most of my friends are adults. I discovered something rather startling yesterday: I have a friend who's a girl. This sounds simpler than I mean it, so pay attention. I attended the HS graduation party of a young colleague (Susan), in the company of another coworker (Marie). Along the way, Marie mentioned that we were among the minority of the staff who'd been invited to the party. "In fact, I think it's just [the department in which Susan works]...and you." Susan and I don't work together directly, our shifts never overlap, and we've never spent time together outside of work. I was very surprised to know that I was the only "outlier" who'd been invited. Surprised, and inordinately touched; quite inadvertently, I've made a friend.
• Have you been to New York City? nope, and the thought does not distress me overmuch
• Does whatever happens in Vegas really stay in Vegas? not to me. What happens in Vegas, to me, seems to live in infamy.
• Are you closer to your mother or father? given that they're rarely more than 20 feet from each other, they seem to be equidistant
• Are you picky about spelling and grammar? yup, though I try not to be a pain in the ass about it--except at work, where pain in the ass-ness comes with the territory
• Look outside, how's the weather outside? VERY hot, bright-sunny and slightly breezy. There's gonna be lots of sunburnt, hungover people roaming the flatlands tomorrow
• What was the last thing you saw on TV? Criminal Minds on DVD. Broadcast TV would have been, um, NCIS on Tuesday. Excellent cliffhanger, considering that they don't "do" cliffhangers.
• Do the speakers on your computer work? certainly, given that "Ah Ndiya" by Oumou Sangaré is pumping out right now, segueing to "Maria Maria" by Santana [feat. Product G&B]
• Do you have a job? indeed, I have one FT job, one extremely half-assed freelance job (though I wish that the flakier-than-all-get-out guy would just cut me the fuck loose if he's not going to bother with me, {grumble x 100...}), and one potentially awesome freelance job that's hanging on the whim of a very attractive attorney (thus proving that I am in HELL)
• Have you ever drunk your soda from a straw? I prefer to drink it from a container
• Do you have any children? this question made me snortle. The accurate, fair, appropriate answer is that no, in fact, I do not have children. Thank God.
• Have you ever written in wet cement? yes, my name and hand-print are next to the footprints of the home-cat in a flat of cement near the house where I grew up. Mine were specifically intended; hers appeared because she was rarely far away from me.

The lump in my throat is larger than my will to continue this at the moment, so I'll start again later. 

*whew* OK, I'm back; now we can continue. You were saying...?

• Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Fluffy
• Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? no
• Ever lied about your age? pretty much nonstop from age 18-20 11/12, Thursdays-Saturdays and often in between. Occasionally since then.
• Can you speak any languages other than English? I know what not to order in a restaurant, and how to say, "I don't speak [whatever]" in a few European languages.
• What is one thing you've learned about life? that I don't know the first damned thing about anything
• Do you have any expensive jewelry? lots. I no longer believe in jewelry that I don't love, and I love expensive jewelry. Guess I could say that's one thing that life has taught me—though this is most definitely not intended as an answer to the previous question.
• Have you ever punched someone? yes
• Have you ever lied to someone? yes
• What are you looking forward to? sleeeeeeeping in tomorrow--one of the very rare days of the year when I don't work, when the business downstairs is also not running
• What do you usually do first in the morning? rue the day
• What is one emotion you are feeling right now? reluctant yearning
• Who did you hang out with last night? Farmer E
  
• Is someone of the opposite sex on your mind at the moment? Mumbler, because "Carve Your Heart" by Dashboard Confessional just came on, and he brought 'em to my attention:
  Oh, look now--there you go with hope again
  But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
  Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
  Treating me like I'm already gone
  
  But I'm not--I will stay where you are always
  I will stay, I will stay, I will stay...
• Do you find the opposite sex confusing? no more than the equal
• What is the reason behind the last time you cried? mourning an emptiness
• Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? of course
• Are you gonna be home alone tonight? looks like it
• Do you have a best friend? I do
• How old are your siblings? five and four years older than I
• What do you carry with you at all times? keys, phone, a small mountain of debt, some memories, and at least that many regrets
• How many piercings do you have? six
• How many tattoos do you have? two
• Do you prefer talking on the phone or online? I don't talk online--webcams have a peculiar connotation that's best left in the past. I prefer talking face to face; I'm not a big phone person (a couple of years ago notwithstanding); text messaging and I are intimates; chat/IMing (with or without Abraham's "assistance") is fine; but above all, I most like hand-written correspondence
• Are you a morning person or a night person? y'know, I'm really not a "person" in this sense. I don't like to go to bed, and I don't like to get up. So, what's that leave us?
• Are you perfect? I'm the Platonic ideal of where I am now
• How many times have you been to Canada? only for the bowling
• Where are you most ticklish? in my mind
• What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? blue
• Be honest, are you disappointed in anyone? no more than ever
• If so, who? three people stand out:
  1. a FB "friend" who changes his mind with the day's calendar pages
  2. with the employment situation [no, I will not be more clear], and
  3. someone else--reading this--who is so self-absorbed that I am forced to reluctantly agree that some of what's been said by others in that regard is absolutely correct
• Will you talk to the person you like tonight? no--it's unlikely that I will interact with anyone tonight
• Are you friends with the last person you kissed? in the technological sense, we are connected. I acknowledge that with a wince and a snort. I really want a drink.
• What's something someone can do that makes you melt? blink his huge navy blue eyes at me--even when he's saying something incredibly cringe-inducing like, "you're so much easier to talk to than girls are"
• Do you have reason to smile right now? ...or I'd be dead?!
• Have you ever woke up next to someone and wanted to puke? only when I had already been ill. Tough question, though.
• What do you do when you need to relax? I relax.
• Do you like things in life to stay how they are or change? yes
• If someone liked you, what would be the best way to let you know? club me over the head and drag me by the hair to their lair. I'm not one for subtlety at this juncture.
• If you won a lot of money on the lottery, what would you buy first? assuming that I'd already paid my stupid bills? The camera.
• Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else? yes
• Could you forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend or friend who physically hurt you? depends on the definition of "hurt". There's the hurt of an inadvertent "two people bending toward the same thing on the floor and one whacks the other on the forehead with the chin"--that's forgivable. There's the unavoidable "extra knees and elbows that appear during good sex" injuries--certainly forgivable, since all's fair. There's even "I had a nightmare that I was, against my will, forced into a welded-shut caged death-match and, in the throes of said nightmare, leg-dropped you to a pulp"--which, difficult as it may be to explain, is probably within the realm of at least something to consider accepting, as a 'dating sleeping-with-another-person foible.'
  But if you hit me, on purpose, I'll hit you back--and we're completely through.
• What's your greatest fear in life? giving in to fear
• Are you afraid of death? "All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing." [Maurice Maeterlinck]
• Who was the last person you hugged? Susan, upon leaving yesterday's party
• Do you open up to people easily? I don't think that I do it with impunity, though when I trust someone I do have a tendency to trust them to a distressing degree. Distressing, if they prove unworthy.
• What do your friends call you? various derivations of my name. Still not so much with the organic nicknames.
• Has anyone upset you in the last week? just me
• What's the best thing about you? my shoulders, my ability to mix music (not that ANYONE has acknowledged the clever inclusion of the Professor Frink quote at the end of "don't ask", grumble grumble grumble), and my absolute refusal to speak when I've nothing productive to say
• Who was the last person of the opposite sex you had a conversation with? one on one? I am a little pissed to realize that I don't have a clue--beyond the usual work suspects.
• What's your favorite drink? depends on the purpose. I drink a lot of tea and water. Coke occasionally. Molson Canadian or blue frogs when the spirit moves and antibiotics are not also on the menu, which they are this week. Have I mentioned that I've another throat/sinus infection?
• Do you miss anyone? I'm wishing I could actually talk with Heidi about Alaska (etc.), rather than writing--a general wish, made more fervent by the fact that I've finally finished the CD that I started for her an eon ago.
• Is your room clean? "my room"? They're all "my" rooms--and no, now's you ask, none of them are particularly "clean" by objective standards.
• What are you going to do tomorrow? Sleep in (if the gods allow); read; feed the foster-kitties; read more; re-box the package for Heidi and possibly the other one, though that's looking rather doubtful; clean the bathroom; read more; finish Susan's mix CD; and maybe scrounge for a photographic subject. And maybe read more.
• Who is your favorite person to have a serious conversation with? depends on the subject. I think sometimes my friends are (thank God) unaware how serious I am in conversation.
• Does any part of your body hurt right now? not corporeally
• Do you like coffee? just the scent
• Who was the last person that texted you? thanks for your confidence in my sociability, but it's still that same one from Farmer E, yesterday
• What are you craving? cool weather. It's 84° outside and 80° inside; my AC is set to hold at 77° but hasn't hit that since, I don't know, Thursday? It runs for ~90 min. at a time before shutting off in a huff, remaining off for 5 blissful minutes before starting up again. I am SO sick of that sound. SOOOOOOO. Very. Tired. Of. That. Sound.
• How did you sleep last night? um, not well.
• What was the first thing you thought this morning? besides "AC still running?!?!"? Probably something like, "Get newspaper from parking lot." I don't think in complete sentences first thing in the morning.

[snatched from The Cat, of course, who snatched it from here]

not quirks, so much as issues

    A couple of days ago I was crossing the parking lot on my way into work. There was a call at the courthouse—across the street from my place of business—which is always apparent from the number and type of cars parked in the lot that we share. When there's a call, the ratio of snooty and/or devastatingly hip to "gets you where you need to go" vehicles is much higher.

    So I crossed the street and then the lot, toward the building, with a head full of lawyers. Considering how many I know, I'm almost embarrassed to admit how quickly my thoughts went to one that I haven't seen (yes, deliberately...sort of...) in months. And even as I felt myself make some sort of wish as my eyes flicked over the cars - oh please oh please oh please - I knew that I wouldn't see his, and that only in my pathetic fantasy-loving heart did I hope (vainly) that he would magically appear before me. I literally shook my head and laughed; it doesn't work like that. Second chances, those sorts of romance-conquers-reality dreams, just don't happen. And even if they did, I wouldn't believe in it. I wouldn't trust it.

    One strike, and you're out.

    That stopped me cold. Remember, this is all playing out real-time while I'm walking from my car into work, a distance of maybe a block and a half. I've already laughed out loud, and now I've stopped in my tracks, eyes (and probably mouth) wide open in wonder. This is a revelation to me.

    One strike, and you're out. Where have I heard this before?

    Johnnie. It was his philosophy about friends, and romance (in which he did not believe), and restaurants and barbers and novelists: I am willing to give you everything I've got, and put all of my faith in you. However, when you fail me, I am through without another thought.

    I never believed it. I refused to accept that someone that I loved like that could be so cold—especially after I did fail him, I did make a mistake that he had said before was unforgivable, and he did get angry and tell me he was through with me...and then later, he told me he'd changed his mind. And it happened not just one time. So I thought that the rule had exceptions, and then I eventually came to think that the "rule" was the exception, and I treated it that way. That was when I found out—we both found out, I suppose—that I'd crossed the line. He was through. I had failed. Not another thought.

    Standing in that parking lot before work, I realized that even if you, Mr. Gorgeous-&-Fascinating Attorney Man, sought me out, I wouldn't trust it. (Naturally that's easier to say since there's a heavy side order of mortification on the plate, too, and so very much confusion about all the many games we were playing in those two booths.) I wouldn't trust it, because I had laid it out clearly and you had rejected it. And so I grudgingly acknowledged to myself that I hope you are happy. I really do want you to be happy, even as it pains me to imagine you happy without me to have a role in it. To make you bark with shocked laughter, or bring out the pedantic lecturer. To inspire an argument so pointless as to require the participation of an impartial third party. Yes, it really does pain me, but I really do want for you to be happy—even as I realize that, were I you, I wouldn't have trusted her and let her back in. She'd left you before. Hurt you before. That's how I got that first lunch, damn it. That's how I realized: you're more trusting than me, and more hopeful. Good for you: may you also be happier.

    All of this dropped into my head/heart/stomach pretty much simultaneously with one more thing: Johnnie ain't never comin' back. He's never going to walk through the door, never going to call or text, never going to email. There will be no tweets or blog posts that have the slightest hint that I ever existed in his life, because I don't. I didn't. As of the moment he put me out, it's as if I was never there.

    I thought he was perfect. I thought it was a matter of time until the perfect...realigned itself. To quote one of my idiot friends at perhaps his most idiotic, "Things should always make sense." I thought that if I waited long enough, wished hard enough, wanted desperately enough, and crossed my [mental] fingers, then when it was "supposed" to happen, it would. And he would just come back, and we would just be, together.

    Well. Clearly, I'm really fucking wrong.

    The perfect man, against whom all others have been measured (and found wanting) does not exist. He never has. Another kind friend, the one who was at hand for all of this mess and pulled my head out of the river more times than I even realize, very gently told me about a week ago that I've gentled my memories of him, not just ignoring but rejecting the parts that don't fit the fairytale. It wasn't all magic and heartfelt connection; I'm wiping out so many tears and so much yelling, seemingly endless silent pouting and bullshit blog posts specifically intended to cause pain. The good old days won't come again—and they maybe weren't all that good, anyway.

    He's not coming back.

    Even if he did, I wouldn't trust him.

    This sucks. Without this truth, I don't know what's true, or what to feel, or what to hope for anymore.

just don't call me Bambi

Centaur:
[X] You are rather wild, and let your instincts run you.
[X] You get drunk a lot.
[ ] Bravery and boldness is second nature to you.
[ ] You have a deep love for astronomy and the universe.
[ ] You like to read your daily horoscope.
[ ] You have a high level of pride in yourself.
[ ] The best place for you to be is in the woods.
[ ] You are spiritual.
[ ] The horse is your favorite animal.
[ ] You are possessive and territorial.
Total: 2

Elf:
[ ] Your ears are slightly pointed at the tips.
[X] You are very intelligent.
[ ] Your five senses are extremely keen.
[ ] Your weight is quite a bit lighter than the average person at your particular height.
[ ] You always wear elegant clothes, and speak as politely as possible.
[ ] You are most at peace when you are gazing at something beautiful, like nature.
[ ] You look very young for your age.
[ ] You rarely get sick.
[X] You are a very hard worker.
[X] Above all other superpowers, you would love to read minds or see the future.
Total: 3

Fairy:
[ ] You are happy a lot of the time.
[ ] The best superpower to you would be to fly.
[ ] You are very shy.
[ ] You love nature.
[ ] You are always willing to help others, even if you might not be the best to offer aid.
[ ] You are young and short.
[ ] Dancing is one of your favorite pastimes.
[X] If someone ticks you off, you are very clever with getting them back.
[ ] Your clothing isn't always presentable, but you are comfortable with what you wear.
[ ] Circles are a wonderful symbol of unity to you.
Total: 1

Gnome / Dwarf:
[ ] You are excellent with crafts and handiwork.
[X] In social situations, you tend to be a little awkward.
[ ] You are short for your age.
[X] You are an isolationist.
[ ] You love to play practical jokes on people.
[X] You are extremely fascinated with jewelry.
[ ] You look older than your age.
[ ] You love the woods and the mountains.
[ ] You are well off, or come from a family that is well off.
[X] You have a short temper.
Total: 4

Harpy / Siren:
[X] You are best at talking bad about people behind their backs and not to their face.
[ ] When you are annoyed, you will go to a great extent to torment whoever did so to you.
[ ] You often take things that aren't yours.
[X] You are easily angered.
[ ] Death fascinates you.
[X] You are female, or a feminine-looking man.
[ ] You associate yourself with the wind element.
[X] You can switch quickly between your light and dark side.
[ ] You love to trick others.
[ ] You have a ravenous appetite.
Total: 4

Mermaid / Merman:
[X] You love the beach more so because of the water than the shore itself.
[ ] Fish are some of the most beautiful creatures to you.
[ ] The ultimate superpower to you would be to breathe underwater.
[X] You enjoy looking at ships, but not riding them. You like ships for traveling, not hunting in the sea.
[ ] You are good at swimming.
[ ] You like to collect shells.
[ ] You use sea items as jewelry or decoration.
[ ] You enjoy learning about the ocean and the life inside it.
[ ] You are extremely against ocean pollution.
[ ] Legs on land are not as important as a fin in the sea.
Total: 2

Vampire:
[X] You're a night person.
[ ] You have a fascination with blood.
[X] You are extremely pale.
[ ] You wish you had a bat as a pet.
[ ] You are not religious at all.
[X] Tight spaces are not scary or uncomfortable for you.
[X] The sun's glare annoys you all too often.
[ ] You hate food with lots of garlic in it.
[X] To you, a kiss on the neck is more romantic than a kiss on the cheek or lips.
[ ] You don't like sharp objects near you.
Total: 5

Werewolf:
[X] The full moon is the most beautiful scene to you. (along with the sight of any other celestial bodies)
[ ] You have a lot of body hair.
[ ] The ability to shape-shift is the best superpower to you.
[ ] You prefer gold over silver items.
[X] You lack self-control.
[ ] You find it easier to have sympathy for animals than for humans.
[ ] You have a deep respect for wolves and wild dogs.
[X] You like to be alone.
[ ] You have a terrible secret, and you only tell people you trust 100% about it.
[ ] You'd rather be outdoors than indoors.
Total: 3

Wizard / Witch:
[X] You love chemistry.
[X] You are intuitive and good at analyzing people, to the point that people seriously or jokingly say you're psychic.
[ ] The most amazing supernatural power to you is controlling the elements.
[ ] You are a nature lover.
[X] You have a strong sense of responsibility.
[X] You spend a lot of time alone.
[ ] You usually hang around with a certain animal all the time when you feel lonely.
[X] You are spiritual, but not necessarily religious.
[ ] Cooking is one of your favorite things to do.
[ ] You enjoy learning about Wicca and the occult.
Total: 5

Zombie:
[X] You are pale.
[X] You are hungry a lot.
[X] Many activities you do every day make you feel mindless, or like a drone.
[ ] Most of the time, you or a part of you is cold.
[X] You love to eat meat.
[ ] You would resort to cannibalism if that was the only source of food.
[ ] You make grunts and moans a lot.
[X] You enjoy learning about psychology because you study the brain.
[ ] You usually walk slow.
[ ] You are not afraid of seeing a lot of blood or getting a lot of blood on yourself.
Total: 5

Satyr / Faun:
[X] You are very passionate about the things you like.
[X] You like to get drunk and dance.
[X] You're very amorous.
[X] You like art and music.
[X] You enjoy feasting with friends.
[ ] You love nature, but more for the animals then the trees and plants.
[X] You like getting rowdy and having a good time.
[ ] You laugh a lot.
[X] You love the chase almost as much as the capture.
[X] You wish you had horns.
Total: 8

Oh, please - a faun?! Though that does sound quite a lot like me....

[from The Cat, of course, who got it here]

if u know what i'm singing about up here, c'mon raise your hand

    A few weeks ago, a dear friend brought me flowers - irises - at least partially in lieu of donuts. As much as I love donuts, the irises were a great surprise and just the thing. I would imagine that I thanked her at the time, but I don't know that I told her how much of an impression they made. I wanted to make a post of all the purple things in my apartment, as a way of paying tribute to the beauty of the flowers. The funny thing is that I couldn't find anything else (besides peanut M&Ms) that was purple. Strange, that.

    About a week after she gave the irises, I bought a few bunches of tulips for a birthday gift. Unfortunately, the combination of wind, rain, and unseasonably cold temperatures that day meant that the trip from the store to the car and the car to my apt. left them pretty much mangled and no longer worthy of giving. I salvaged what I could for myself, and gave something else. Here, belatedly, is a floral tribute to the irises, and that gift.
I really can't take pictures of living things in my apartment without showing the current state of Bob and a few of his cohort, too.

observations

• I made a pair of earrings for a friend's birthday a week or two ago. They turned out perfectly, exactly what I wanted. ...I mean, exactly what I wanted. I wanted to keep them. It was really, really hard to wrap them up and give them away. It's sort of funny/hard to admit that while I watched her open them, I sort of hoped that she wouldn't like them and would give them back. Ridiculous, I know. And probably a good sign, eh, that after such a long layoff, I've still got the knack to turn out something nice. And in case it's unclear: she liked them. Dang it.
• When I moved into this apartment, I was the youngest one in the building by five or ten years. Looking back on it, that's probably why the conditions for acceptance of my application—which were significant, e.g. references that really were called and asked serious questions about my conduct and character—seemed so strict. My landlords probably thought they were taking a chance on me. Over the intervening years, they've come to realize, much like my parents did, that although I'm clearly abnormal and do things in my own odd way, I'm also basically harmless and am pretty much unlikely to bring them to grief. Less likely, at least, than some of the others. Example: the guys across the hall. Employees of the landlords (in their other reality). Frequent partiers. Magnets to which all manner of stomping, door-slamming, sitting-in-parking-lots-playing-radios-endlessly asshat friends are drawn. Example: the gaggle currently inhabiting the western lot, in front of the other building (conveniently also below my office window). Four adults, two children, one beanbag toss game, one domestic vehicle (mid-1990s) with radio blaring R-ford classic rock station. Yeah, today it came close to 90° for the first time this season; it's just plain nice out. But seriously, you're hanging out, playing games in a parking lot.
  
• Crazy dreams lately. My former spouse made an appearance last night; we were arguing about silverware and the pets (something that we never, ever did). The drummer with whom I stayed up all night drinking root beer and indulging in our mutual love of Rush has popped in a couple of times lately, too. I won't even bother telling the one that woke me up the other morning; it was too strange to be believed.
• Xenophobia is not sexy. It's not cool, not intelligent, not reasonable. It's nothing but a reflection of the harshness of your soul. The moment you reveal it, I've turned away from you in a way that can't be changed. Cranky as I am, the only thing that I really cannot tolerate is intolerance.
• I'm tempted to share the adventurous whereabouts of the Mumbler and his equally fascinating young lady-friend. They are a nearly endless source of wonder/amusement/concern/chagrin/humor for me. I doubt that anyone would believe the stories I would tell, though, so I'll just keep 'em to myself. Trust me on one thing: in his own mind he's the...dopest trick.
• I think I'd sell my soul for a good piece of apple pie. If I had the slightest energy, I'd just make one for myself. That seems unlikely. I suppose dinner wouldn't be inappropriate at this point. Wish I had a replicator.
• Oooooooh - I almost forgot: I've set the MFing voicemail on my phone. I expect everyone who's got that number to call it posthaste, just to see what sort of deviousness I've dealt.

how do I look?

The signal is subtle
We pass just close enough to touch
No questions, no answers
We know by now to say enough
With only simple words
With only subtle turns
The things we feel alone for one another
    When—or if—you ask yourself "who am I?", do you have a ready answer? I used to know. Maybe I thought I did. Anyway, I had some confidence in who, or what, I was. I'm not so certain anymore.

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
    I liked being a student. Knowing that my role was to do nothing so much as to learn and soak up whatever lay before me. I was born to that, though definitely not nurtured to it; my family is not oriented toward that life and doesn't really trust it, and the friends I grew up with are more practically than theoretically grounded. But I loved the long hours of reading and writing papers, answering questions and working my way through problems. I loved curling up on the couch, stretching out on the floor, propping up in bed, laying out in the sun—always with a book in my hand, a notebook by my side, a pen behind my ear or stuck in my hair, taking notes and plotting to finish the assignment, always just in time.

So I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight
    No one can be a student forever. At least, no one without an infinite source of money to pay for that education, and for the incidentals that incur along the way. So I'm not a student anymore, and my life is very different from the way it used to be. I used to think that my job would be about the accumulation of something: knowledge, information, maybe even money. It hasn't turned out quite like that. I'm a sort of bean-counter/rearranger/cop. It's not terribly creative or inspiring. Maybe I gravitated to it so that the rest of my world, my real life, could be where I'm really living.

Our act of defiance
We keep this secret in our blood
No paper or letters
We pass just close enough to touch
We love in secret names
We hide within our veins
The things that keep us bound to one another
    I can hear the questions: "What brought this on?" "Why all the introspection?" For once, the answer is surprisingly easy to give. I'm tired of my clothes, tired of the black/white/gray/blue uniform that I've cultivated. Tired of something that I know isn't working (although what I mean by "working" is up for debate).
    Shopping, though—whether in person or online—was not entirely fruitful. When I found something that I liked, I knew right away that it wouldn't look good on me. When I found something that would look good on me, it was either not age-appropriate, crazy-expensive, or not at all my style (think hippie-chick flowing tops and ankle-length dresses). Eventually, though, I realized that the fashion police voice in my head was not my own, nor was it one of my best friends who knows me well, knows what I like, knows what looks good on me and what I'm willing to spend to look good.

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we must do
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
    That voice was Nick. The guy that I dated over a three-year period beginning around the time I was divorced. Why him?
    Well, first a little background (for the two people on the planet who might have missed this as it happened): we did not date for three years; we were together for maybe 6 months out of that time, because we broke up so often (and so badly) but couldn't manage to stay apart, either. We were a terrific example of all sorts of terrible things. We probably loved each other. It may have even been mutual for a few days here and there. Mostly he was desperate to escape me and I was clutching harder and harder to keep him.
    He adapted innumerable ways to get away. One of the most effective was to start a fight—the sort of fight that has no purpose, no resolution, no point, and no end. His favorite, or at least the one that he used the most often, was to attack my wardrobe. Everything that I owned was wrong in some way, most things for many reasons. My "work clothes" were too uptight/stuffy/boring/conservative. My casual clothes were too preppy (he made some variation on the lesbian-lady-golfer joke a thousand times). My dress clothes were too "grand" and made him feel unsophisticated. My lingerie was too slutty.

Until the last resilient hope
Is frozen deep inside my bones
And this broken fate has claimed me
And my memories for its own
Your name is pounding through my veins
Can't you hear how it is sung?
And I can taste you in my mouth
Before the words escape my lungs
And I'll whisper only once...
    It is very simple to say "that was abuse" and to say "forget about the ravings of an immature, neurotic idiot" and to say "what the fuck does his opinion matter, anyway?!" It is much harder to get that voice, which I loved, after all, somehow, for a long time, during a period where everything else seemed to be so upside-down and wrong, out of my head. Especially when I'm feeling under-confidant anyway. When I'm wondering not if my ass looks big in those pants—I know that my ass never looks big—but whether I can't dress myself right at all. What impression I give, to someone that I've just met. Do I look as wrong as I feel? Do I look, on the outside, anywhere close to the way I feel on the inside?

There is a secret that we keep
I won't sleep if you won't sleep
Because tonight may be the last chance we'll be given
We are compelled to do what we have to
We are compelled to do what we have been forbidden
    It's not all as bleak as this sounds. I'm just getting it down, finally, after thinking about it for a while. I've been sorting it out in my head, oddly with the (unintended and completely unknowing) help of the Mumbler, through our meandering conversations about independence and relationships, friendship and "love", Tasers and cowboy boots and grilled cheese. I suppose I'm also getting a handle on it thanks to my most consistent phone correspondent, now keeping in touch for no better reason than because we're "friends".
    Writing helps, too. Always.

'Cause you will be somebody's girl
And you will keep each other warm
But tonight I am feeling cold
It was just little throwaway wretchedness, almost meaningless at the time, by comparison. What a legacy, eh?

[The Secret's in the Telling - Dashboard Confessional]

I sat beside him punch-drunk

I have sinned a rapturous sin

in a warm enflamed embrace,

sinned in a pair of vindictive arms,

arms violent and ablaze.

In that quiet vacant dark

I looked into his mystic eyes,

found such longing that my heart

fluttered impatient in my breast.

In that quiet vacant dark

I sat beside him punch-drunk,

his lips released pleasure on mine,

grief unclenched my crazy heart.

I poured in his ears lyrics of love:

O my life, my lover it's you I want.

Life-giving arms, it's you I crave.

Crazed lover, for you I thirst.

Lust enflamed his eyes,

red wine trembled in the cup,

my body, naked and drunk,

quivered softly on his breast.

I have sinned a rapturous sin

beside a body quivering and spent.

I did not know what I did O God,

in that quiet vacant dark.

[Forugh Farrokhzad, 'Sin', from Deevar--reprinted in Sin: Selected Poems]

le ridicule

This is an end-of-2009 meme that caught my eye when it was spreading a few months ago. My answers will probably be the same as they would have been then, so I'm doing it despite the time lag.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? flew to meet someone I'd met online.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I haven't made one in a dozen years, so there's nothing to break.
3. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? I slept through it. NYE isn't a holy day for me.
4. Did anyone close to you die? yes
5. What countries did you visit? just this one
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? nothing. Seriously. 2009 was plenty damned full.
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 16. Why? I was thrown off balance; haven't regained equilibrium since.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? oh, probably that I wasn't axe-murdered by the guy I met on the trip from #1, above - if you're asking my friends, anyway
9. What was your biggest failure? there was no one overwhelming event. November was...hard.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had a sinus infection on and off the last four months of the year
11. What was the best thing you bought? a much-needed new computer
12. Where did most of your money go? paying off my student loans
13. What song will always remind you of 2009? "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band
14. What do you wish you'd done more of? listening to that quiet inner voice
15. What do you wish you'd done less of? acting on the wishes of that quiet inner voice. She's a romantic fool.
16. What was your favourite TV program? in real time: NCIS. In retrospect: ReGenesis
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? just Megan
18. What was the best book you read? there are way too many from which to choose
19. What was your greatest musical discovery? Dala Girls
20. What was your favorite film of this year? my film-happy friends will be distraught to know that I can't name one; I don't think that I saw a new movie this year
21. What did you do on your birthday? got horribly drunk, said some very stupid things to a good friend, could barely move for 24 hours, and regretted it (physically) for a weekend and socially for much longer. It was terrific and I can't wait for the next one.
22. What kept you sane? writing, my friends, and alcohol. Ahhh, irony.
23. Who did you miss? Johnnie
24. Who was the best new person you met? Reed
25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: L'on ne saurait mieux faire voir que le magnifique et le ridicule sont si voisins qu'ils se touchent.* --So you've got to learn to appreciate the ridiculous, eh?

[from The Cat, who got it here]

* There is nothing one sees oftener than the ridiculous and magnificent, such close neighbors that they touch. [Bernard de Bovier de Fontenelle, in Oeuvres--Dialogues des Morts {IV, 32}, {ed. 1825}]

nobody home, no...

    I'm about to leave for bowling. Before I go, I wanted to clarify that I am indeed still self-supporting; that issue is short-term resolved.

    And that I'm sort of dreading bowling, honestly. If I could satisfy the night's social requirements by sitting with my foot up (yes, my toe still hurts), I would be delirious.

    And I guess I could also take this opportunity to say that I'm rejecting comments to the blog that include embedded links to porn sites. So - don't bother leaving them, because I'll just delete them. You know who you are.

    While I'm just spouting random stuff:

    It was cold yesterday. I wore a jacket. It's May. I don't like wearing a jacket in May.

    There's still no outgoing message on my voicemail. Blame it on equal parts laziness (where is the damned manual, anyway?) and lack of inspiration. I want something worthy of my college roommate (oh crap, what did I call him? um...) John's later roommate Mike, who left an unforgettable outgoing message on their machine senior year:

Nobody home

No

No

Nobody home

[repeat]

A classic. I need something that will tie together all the various elements that I want to express about myself...oh, blah blah blah. I'm just lazy.

    And the real reason I'm reluctant to go out tonight? The birthday girl - the rationale for this event - is also the cousin of the infamous Nick, and I've got just the most horrible feeling that he's going to show up. In this situation, I would even have to be decent to him. That blows.

    Guess I should throw on some clothes and head over. Glargh.

instinct is untaught ability

    Had the strangest, most enlightening conversation with a friend this afternoon. Lately he's been seeking my advice about his girlfriend...the young lady he's been seeing...whatever. Their "relationship." What constitutes a relationship. Not in so many words, exactly. We just sort of talk around things a lot. Anyway, over the weekend he sent a message to say that he had lots of new data for me (about the situation), and also that he was ready to tell me the big thing. Considering some of the other intel that he's shared, "the big thing" sounded pretty ominous - or hilarious, depending on how you look at it.

    In preparation for today's discussion, I made a list. A sort of hedge against whatever he might be planning to tell me. My 'Top Ten Guesses':

1. she's bi
2. she's got a felony record
3. she's a dominatrix
4. she used to be a dude
5. she's a...stripper
6. she loves karaoke
7. she has a body part pierced that I do not want to know about
8. she's got a kid
9. she [has an unpleasant apparel habit]
10. [male celebrity] has her calendar by his bed

    Before he told me the big news - or even just gave the briefest rundown on the weekend - I showed him the list, partially to break the tension (we were both a little hyper) and also because I thought it would be one big joke. Ha ha, those are all outlandish statements that couldn't possibly be true, right?

    Um...no. 'Cause, see, I guessed right. One of those items was his big news. He about flipped, and couldn't really believe that I could guess it. Of course I had no clue which one it was (though I guessed it wasn't #9, as abhorrent as that would be). In the end, we surmised that I figured it out based on some subtle clues that he didn't realize that he was giving.

    But maybe I've found my future career - prehaps I'd make a better profiler than even I realized....

 

 [title quote = Alexander Bain]

duty, breach, causation, damages

    It seems strange to me how life sometimes masquerades itself. This weekend, for instance, appeared on the surface to be the typical sort for me. I was home most of the time, reading (a novel on Friday night and another on Saturday, plus parts of two books of poetry and the rare nonfiction title that I've plodded through) and catching up on sleep. If it seemed odd at all, it was because I was away more than usual for this sort of weekend; on Saturday, I was at the job site for an hour or so, and afterward did the last bit of shopping for which a couple of [long overdue] birthday boxes have been waiting. Still, most of the weekend--since I left work on Friday--has been record-breakingly bad, and it's likely to get much worse tomorrow.

    I won't get into the specifics here. It's pointless, given that resolution is yet to come, and also potentially dangerous, since I have no idea of key parties involved are reading (uninvited and unwelcome) what I choose to share here. I've apparently failed profoundly in proving myself worthy of respect...or the other parties involved are incapable of operating honestly.

    I've spent 48 hours thinking of pretty much nothing but this. My head is pounding, I feel like screaming (still so furious), and I can't even say it's unprecedented. In other words: my surprise was probably unwarranted. This is all very insulting and unreasonable, and could have been prevented with a few simple words.

    As angry as I am, I'm still left with one overriding thought: I hope that I never behave this way toward another person. It's a sad way to live.

they called it the six Ws

Who...

• is easy to love? The Cat
• do you just wanna smack? someone who treats me with disrespect, when I've earned better
• do you trust? almost no one
• do you talk to when you're alone? my journal

What...

• dangerous things do you do while driving? switch playlists on the iPod, and sometimes still eat Snickers despite the near-death experience in Mad-town
• are you allergic to? all narcotics, ricotta cheese, and fucking liars
• is Satan's last name? it starts with a 't' and ends with an 's'...
• is the freakiest thing in your house? before today, I would have said "anatomically-correct monkeys." now I can only acknowledge the shameful lack of rubber bands

When...

• is it time to turn over a new leaf? when you reconcile that even if you knew why, the answer couldn't change anything
• will you be all that you can be? when I'm goddamned dead
• is enough enough? at work? now.
• do you go to the dark side? I gave that up exactly 4 months ago tomorrow

Where...

• are your pants? if you don't know, I'm not tellin'
• is your last will and testament? it currently exists somewhere between my imagination and the tiny dollar signs in my attorney's eyes
• is your junk food stash? not stashed. there's quart (?) of M&Ms left over from my Vegas haul, but they're atop the microwave where they've been all along.
• is Carmen Sandiego? Mexico or California

Why...

• was the Lone Ranger alone? much like Marshall Dillon, (no, not "Dylan"--that was the later, California version) he was devoted to crime-fighting and horses, not the pursuit of human relationships; his heart wasn't in it
• was The Scarlet Letter scarlet? its HSV geometrically represents the following: 8°, 100%, 100%
• are musicians sexy and plumbers not? ha! you've clearly never seen these weirdos, nor read Does She or Doesn't She?
• are there no seat belts on school buses? K-12 = social control. if a few are lost along the way, it's just that much cheaper and easier.

Would you...

• swim the English Channel for a doughnut and coffee? If not that, what? nah, but I've walked a couple of miles for breakfast in various U.S. cities. suddenly I'm wistful, remembering some excellent long mornings at La Madeleine in Bethesda
• forgive someone who deliberately hurt you? I don't know; what does "forgive" mean? and "deliberately"? and, most of all, "hurt"? I could probably forgive being punched in the mouth more quickly than someone takeing what they need and leaving nothing behind
• rather believe a lie if it hurt you less than the truth? NEVER
• you still be alive if you were sucked out of an airplane window? is it "sucked" or "blown"? I've always wondered.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

bed is a bundle of paradoxes

1. Have you ever had a recurring dream? If so, what was it?
   I have a recurring nightmare. "Recurring" may be too strong a word for it. I dream it at psychologically appropriate times.
2. What’s your most memorable dream?
   *snort* There have been many. I had one last night that seemed weird until a couple of hours ago.
3. How many hours sleep do you get each night?
   Between 4 and 15 hours, usually.
4. What time do you get up on a school day?
   Sometime between 7:23 and 8:35.
5. How many times have you stayed up all night?
   A dozen, maybe?
6. Have you ever got so drunk that you don’t remember going to bed?
   Hell yeah--didn't recall the finer points, anyway. I'm not prone to blackouts, though.
7. What do you normally do last thing before going to bed?
   Write in my journal.
8. Does coffee wake you up?
   No, since I don't drink it.
9. Does vodka put you to sleep?
   Not hardly. One of my college roommates claimed that vodka made her angry, though. I think it was an excuse to hit people. (She also claimed--loudly--that wine coolers made her horny.)
10. Do you wriggle in bed so much that you wake up facing a different way to how you started?
    I move around a lot, but I don't "wriggle" and when I wake, I'm oriented the same as when I headed to bed (i.e. head on pillow, feet at the other end).
    
11. What was the last time you shared a bed?
    Discretion is the better part of valor.
12. Do you tend to dream about reality or complete fantasy?
    Yes.
    A psychologist that I used to know once claimed that "dreams are simply random neural firings"--in other words, a smorgasbord of the stuff you've experienced throughout your day, randomly thrown together. He started to doubt his own theory when he had to admit that he'd begun dreaming about the way that my hair smelled. Nothing is as simple as it seems, eh?
13. How long do you remember your dreams for when you wake up?
    I remember lots of my dreams in perfect clarity.
14. Which is worse – being too hot in bed or too cold?
    Too hot, especially my feet. *Hate* that feeling.
15. How many pillows do you sleep with?
    Four
16. What was your biggest nighttime fear as a child?
    I don't recall anything that was specifically "nighttime." I had a couple of big, nasty fears that did nonstop duty, I guess.
17. What’s under your bed?
    Gift wrap, board games, a subcategory of clothing, and a flashlight.
18. What do you wear in bed?
    Nada
19. Do you read in the evening, the morning, or not at all?
    I read all the damned time, but very rarely in bed.
20. Do you eat in bed?
    In a pinch, usually when I'm either drunk or hung over. I used to, back in the Popeye era, eat ice cream while talking on the phone in the middle of the night. Those were good days.

[from The Cat, of course, who got it here - and they got it from here; quote by Charles Caleb Colton]

here's to an interesting past

I think that one of these is just funny, one is a complete shock once you realize what you're looking at, and one is seriously tempting.
All from Bodies of Subversion: A Secret History of Women and Tattoo (2nd ed.)
"Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past."
[Jack London]

this is gonna be one busy month

May is...

• Asian Heritage Month (in Canada)
• Asian/Pacific American Heritage Month
• Awareness of Medical Orphans Month
• Better Hearing and Speech Month
• Better Sleep Month
• Borderline Personality Disorder Month (license to be impulsively unstable?)
• Brain Tumor Awareness Month
• Correct Posture Month
• Creative Beginnings Month (it was a dark & stormy night)
• Family Wellness Month
• Fibromyalgia Education and Awareness Month
• Foot Health Month (oh sweet irony)
• Freedom Shrine Month
• Get Caught Reading Month
• Gifts From The Garden Month
• Go Fetch! Food Drive for Homeless Animals Month
• Haitian Heritage Month
• Heal the Children Month
• Healthy Vision Month
• Huntington's Disease Awareness Month
• International Audit Month
• International Business Image Improvement Month
• International Victorious Woman Month (I initially read "...voracious")
• Jewish-American Heritage Month
• Latino Books Month
• Lyme Disease Awareness Month National
• Meditation Month
• Motorcycle Safety Month
• National Allergy/Asthma Awareness Month
• National Arthritis Month
• National Artisan Gelato Month
• National Asparagus Month
• National Barbeque Month
• National Bike Month
• National Chocolate Custard Month (OMG are you fucking kidding me?!)
• National Egg Month
• National Family Month
• National Foster Care Month National Good Car Keeping Month
• National Good Car Keeping Month
• National Hamburger Month
• National Hepatitis Awareness Month
• National High Blood Pressure Month
• National Macaroon Day
• National Mental Health Month
• National Military Appreciation Month National
• National Moving Month
• National Mine Month (selfishness or military paraphernalia?)
• National Osteoporosis Prevention Month
• National Photo Month
• National Physical Fitness and Sports Month
• National Physiotherapy Month
• National Preservation Month
• National Revise Your Work Schedule Month
• National Salad Month
• National Salsa Month
• National Share A Story month
• National Smile Month (From May 18 to June 17)
• National Strawberry Month
• National Stroke Awareness Month
• National Vinegar Month
• Older Americans Month
• Personal History Month
• React Month
• Strike Out Strokes Month
• Sweet Vidalia Onions Month
• Teen Self-Esteem Month
• Tennis Month
• Ultra-violet Awareness Month
• Women's Health Care Month
• Young Achievers of Tomorrow Month