I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?
   vanilla or citrus
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?
   meh. I'm not much on celebrities, particularly of the female ilk, and I'm not seeking more family. In a pinch, I'd say Parker Posey.
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?
   Miguel Almaguer
4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?
   this is obviously a trick question
5. Do you know a hoarder?
   not in the usual sense of the word, no
6. Can you do a split?
   nope, but I'm still reasonably flexible. A guy I barely know calls me Pretzel for this very reason. (Keep your mind out of the gutter, please - it's an adorable little compliment.)
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
   somewhere south of five, which I recall because my loving siblings removed my training wheels as a "gift" for my fifth birthday
8. How many oceans have you swam in?
   one
9. How many countries have you been to?
   just the one
10. Is anyone in your family in the military?
    not currently active, but a few have served
11. Have you named any of your body parts?
    yeeessss, in the sense of, like, "nose" and "elbow"
12. If you had a child today, what would you name him/her?
    Alpha Omega or Miraculous Surprise
13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?
    I seem to recall a 37 in somewhere in the first year of law school. People who think my academic career has been nothing but glad days and sunshine are sorely mistaken.
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?
    overall, Looney Toons on Saturday mornings probably saw the whites of my eyes more than any other
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?
    heaven only knows. It's been a while, eh?
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?
    no, since I'm over the age of 12. (Yes, snark intended.)
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?
    I'll keep the one I've got
18. Did your mother go to college?
    she did not
19. Are your grandparents still married?
    if they ever were, I suppose they still remain
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?
    nope, but I'd love to. They're very expensive around here.
21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?
    we're acquainted, yes
22. What was the first amusement park you’ve been to?
    Opryland, in Nashville
23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?
    depends which rights and responsibilities come with it
24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?
    with an 'a'
25. Is your father bald?
    he is, yes

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by Benjamin Franklin]

someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

    Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks to all of you, for choosing to spend part of your day with me and my thoughts. It means more than you realize.
     I had a very quiet Thanksgiving. Had a leisurely breakfast with my housemates before they went to have a celebration with family out of town. I was invited to come along, but chose to stay home. The holiday tends to be awkward for me in some ways, and I've come to prefer to be on my own rather than chancing anything uncomfortable, particularly with people that I do not know well. While I had the house to myself, I put up a few decorations for Christmas. One of the housemates is not terribly fond of decorating for the holidays. It seems to be a combination of his general impatience with things that are temporary ("why bother putting it up if you're just going to take it back down again?") and also with things that are in the way. However, his feelings on the matter contrast directly with those of the other housemate, who is rather fond of seasonal reminders of transition. Therefore, my goal was to decorate in a festive but restrained way, things that would catch the eye without distracting from everything else that we've got going on, brightening the mood without bogging us down--and, most of all, keeping it all out of harm's way re: the cats.
     It was, I think, a success. I bought a few very small ornaments the other day, along with an ornament-hanger tree and another decorative tree (both designed to sit on a shelf or tabletop), and also received "donation" of some gold-colored rustic-but-not-weird decorations from a coworker who knew of my plan. Working quietly while watching Australian golf on TV (how I've missed the Golf Channel!) so as not to disturb the kitties, who were finding my activities strange enough, I hung tiny ornaments here and there around the public areas in the house, nowhere that they'll be clanging or falling, but where they can be seen and enjoyed. The biggest challenges were keeping the glitter off the cats (everything Christmasy is glittery these days!) and trying to balance the red-and-silver that I'd bought with the gold that I was given. Overall, I think it looks warm, understated, and almost exactly the way I'd wanted. If I had it to do over, I'd probably overdo it, so I'm glad it's done.
     Meanwhile, I've been working on my Who Knows How Many Annual Completely Ridiculous Gimme Gimme Christmas List. Get your pens, paper, and credit cards ready, my friends....

from Modcloth

Bon Chance figurine

Foyer Consideration container

Game to Fame figurine

You're in Charge iPhone Battery Pack (in Retro)

Pros and Conservation sweater

from Uncommon Goods

Buddha Bowl

Marimo Moss Ball Light Bulb Aquarium

from Red Envelope

Cassie Leather Smartphone Wallet

Wood Jewelry Display

from J.Peterman

English Duffel Coat

Irish Bard Sweater

Wait for Me jacket

from LL Bean

Scotch Plaid Flannel Shirt

Merino Wool Ragg Socks

Scotch Plaid Flannel Sleep Pants

from the Pittsburgh Steelers

Woven Terrible Towel

from King Arthur Flour

Zojirushi BB-PAC20 Home Bakery Virtuoso

scone mixes (pretty much any of them - pictured are the cran-raspberry white chocolate flavor)

 I can come up with more if need be!

[the title quotation is by Mary Oliver]

cinema can fill in the empty spaces of your life and your loneliness

The SAMs: Movies I can't Help But Watch, episode II (see this post for the first episode).

• Tin Cup. Sweet, funny, populated with "golf people" but without too much overt lameness, this is Kevin Costner at his gorgeous prime.
  AWARD: Best golf movie. Runners-up:
  
  • Caddyshack (definitely the best comedy-golf-movie)
  • The Legend of Bagger Vance (an amazing philosophy film which happens to be about golf)
  • The Greatest Game Ever Played (mesmerizing)
  • Bobby Jones, Stroke of Genius (I can't quite decide what I think about this, since I've always been more a Gene Sarazen fan
• Sexy Beast. Ray Winstone is a genius, and if you've only seen Ben Kingsley in Gandhi and the like, well...holy shit, you'll die watching this.
  
  AWARD: Best movie in English requiring the use of subtitles (runner-up:The Full Monty. No, I haven't yet seen Gosford Park.)
• Lost in La Mancha. The story of how Terry Gilliam (of Monty Python fame) didn't quite get to make his film version of Cervantes' novel.
  
  AWARD: Best documentary. Period.
• Schindler's List.
  AWARD: Best movie that I never need to see again. (For a wonderful take on this very subject, see The Cat's recent post.) Runners-up:
  
  • Blood Diamond
  • The Constant Gardener
  • Goodfellas
• Bull Durham. I love baseball books, and I love baseball movies. They have to really get it, though, and not just be either stupid or hyper-critical of famous players. Bull Durham has just the right mix of knowledge, nostalgia, wit, sass, tenderness, foolishness, and hope-beyond-reason. And hot Kevin Costner!
  AWARD: Best baseball movie. Runners-up:
  
  • Field of Dreams. More Kevin Costner! And more nostalgia.
  • Major League. More silliness.
  • A League of Their Own. Tom Hanks & Geena Davis - Adorable Squared.
  • The Sandlot. Best kids' baseball movie, though I can never watch it again.
  • 42. The best Harrison Ford movie I've seen in years - though it's all about Chadwick Boseman, who nailed it.
  • The Natural. One of those movies that it kind of hurts to watch, but it's too good not to.
• The Big Blue (Le Grand Bleu). A Jean Reno movie, a deep-sea diving movie, a gorgeously filmed movie, an honestly funny movie (I swear there's a scene where the actors are spontaneously laughing, unscripted), a love story, and a tragedy. Unforgettable.
  
  AWARD: Best movie that makes me sob every single time I see it. Beautiful.
• Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! Topher Grace, Josh Duhamel, and Kate Bosworth. All kinds of cute.
  
  AWARD: Best movie you think will be dumb as dirt, but turns out to be a little thinky and better than you'd feared. Runner-up: Employee of the Month (yep, that's Dane Cook with Jessica Simpson. Trust me on this.)

Thoughts? Comments? Questions?

[the title quotation is by Pedro Almodóvar]

it’s dangerous being free, but most come to like the taste o’ it

• Do you have a library card? If you do, do you use it often?
  that's a joke, right? I think I've got a card somewhere, which I've never actually used, but the account is active. Like, daily.
• Do you like rom-coms? If you do, which one is your favourite?
  while I detest the term and would never employ it of my own volition, I have indeed been known to watch movies of that genre occasionally. My favorite today is Shakespeare in Love.
• Think of your ex, and the person you love/like/are with now. Are they similar in any way at all?
  this question, as written, is almost meaningless when applied to my life, since one would never have a clue to whom I referred (in either case!) without some context. However, to be as sporting as possible, I'll play along.
  Thinking of the Nick, and then considering the person I can't quite forget (though my dear friend bgm has been wise in his counsel to that effect)...they are similar in some superficial ways: dark hair, love for music, general body type, vague age-range. But they are dissimilar in most of the ways that matter, including the way that they think, they way that they behave, how they treat what and who they hold dear, how they drive, what they eat, and on and on.
• If you could design your perfect partner, what would they look like? What kind of personality would they have?
  I wouldn't touch that. Perfect only exists in literature.
• Is there something you currently want/need, that you can't have?
  lots of things come to mind. I'd love a new gig, a new pad, a new man (since the fella a couple of prompts above is anything but 'new'), some new socks, and a lengthy vacation.
  Most of all, right now, I'd love for Ned Rifle to be funded via Kickstarter, because the first two films in the trilogy mean a great deal to me, and I very much believe in Hal Hartley and the way he tells stories.
• Think back to 6 weeks ago. Were you happier then, or are you happier now? Why?
  I was probably warmer then. "Happy," at this time of my life, is a macro thing.
• Who is the first male you can think of, whose name begins with T? Tell me about him.
  there was this guy. We met in high school, maybe a little earlier. It seems like I've always known him, or whatever the equivalent is, since I can't remember a time when he wasn't in my world somehow. I had a good friend, someone I spent lots of time with outside of school, and he was her cousin. A bit younger than me, a little swarthy (though the description is apt, it makes me grin to write it) and exotic, he was a bundle of energy and fun--in contrast to me, as you might guess. We spent a lot of time together over the years, though our actual "dating" was confined to a month or two at most. He was not trustworthy, and I was not...generous. All that being said, I loved him, valued his friendship, missed him when I left, thought about him when I was gone, and regret some of what passed between us (and a tiny bit of what did not).
  The funny part of this is that his name doesn't really begin with T, though his nickname does.
• Can you say "happy birthday" in another language?
  at least two other languages, though I wouldn't test myself too far beyond that
• What is something a lot of people think about you, that isn’t actually true?
  that I'm infinitely patient.
  Or that the headaches are a dodge against being social. They really do happen.
• Think of the last person that said they wanted to have sex with you. Did that person love you?
  no, and thank heaven for that. Or, if he did/does, it's a completely intellectual/friend-based sort of thing, not romantic at all, and wouldn't ruin the relationship that we have by trying to replace it with one that wouldn't work at all.
• Someone suggests that the person you like is a player. What do you say?
  I suppose that would depend on the circumstances. If we're talking again about the one compared to Nick, above, then I would laugh heartily and forget about it. If it's the character in the prompt directly prior to this one, then I would tap my cheek consideringly, laugh, and forget about it. Since I'm not buying, only leasing, I guess I'm not too concerned about the terms of purchase.
• What subjects do you/did you get the worst grades in?
  all the way through high school, I rocked in science classes and got mediocre grades in History and English. I think that's because it was easy, so I didn't even try (or gave up partway through). Once I hit college, it all reversed course. I couldn't pass a science class to save my own ass (oh, Conceptual Physics, how I hate you!), and every History class that I could find in the course catalog was the best thing ever. It was pointless, and it got me nowhere (relatively speaking), but I loved it and I wouldn't give it back.
• Should you be concentrating on something else, instead of this survey?
  naturally. There are bills to pay, a checking account to reconcile, and letters to write.
• Have you ever told anyone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them? If you have, did you mean it?
  I have, and I did. You can't always get what you want.
• Have you ever told someone that you liked them, and they rejected you? Do you know anyone else that this has happened to?
  to be true, this has happened twice in my life--and the first was an aberration because the recipient of my declaration later made amends for his poor reception of my heartfelt words. That leaves only the more recent event, which was a disaster and still literally haunts my dreams.
• Is there anything you want to say to someone, but you can't/won't? What are your reasons for not saying it?
  there are lots of unsaid things just sitting in my head, for lots of reasons. I can't tell him [x] because his wife won't like it. I can't tell her [y] because I want to keep my job. I can't say [z] because it'll open up ten cans of worms best left sealed.
• Who is someone in the music industry that you think is overrated?
  aren't they all? Really, when you think about it. They're singers, or musicians, and we're force-fed their personal lives and their godforsaken cookbooks and novels and clothing lines, and their pathetic attempts at acting, and "greatest hits" and "best of" compilations when they've only released a couple of albums. They're ALL overrated.
• Who is the 11th contact in your phone? When did you last see/speak to that person?
  a friend of a friend, a guy from my hometown whose path I rarely crossed in high school but have come to know pretty well thanks to our mutual friend and to FB. And to whom, when we were both inexcusably drunk, I once gave an "all-access pass" that I sincerely hope he burned immediately!
• They say plain chocolate is best for you, but do you actually like it?
  dark chocolate is supposedly the best (of the bunch). I like it all right, but will usually choose milk chocolate. I don't eat much chocolate in general, though.
• When was the last time you ate cake? What type of cake was it?
  that mandarin orange cake, a month or so ago, was my last cake. We're currently working through an apple bread pudding, though.
• Have you ever been told that you were too good/not good enough for someone you loved/liked? Why do you think someone would say that to you?
  my first serious boyfriend was not good enough for me. Everyone involved knew it, and knew why, and it blew up in my stupid, stubborn face for just that reason.
  I was convinced that I wasn't good enough for a guy I dated in college--in the sense of being "not in his league"--and my inability to trust myself and him and the situation just made it all awful and forced and...ugh. If I could go back in time, I'd conk myself on the head over that one. And I'd take away his booze, because he drank way too much to be of use to anyone.
• If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
  I would not.
• Have you filled in any other surveys today, besides this one? If you have, did this survey have any questions that were the same as, or similar to, the questions you were asked in the other surveys?
  this is it
• Who was your first crush? How do you feel about that person now? Do you still talk to them?
  my first crush was a grumpy, mercurial boy with dark hair and very red lips. He had a wicked sense of humor, no concern for authority, and a devastating way of looking at me that made me think he could see past all the things I didn't yet understand, but didn't want anyone to notice. I miss him more and more as his birthday approaches, knowing that I'll really never see him again.
• Who was the last person that apologized to you? What was it for?
  one of my dear friends apologized for needing to talk. I was just glad to be there.
• So, how are things going with the person you love/like?
  the person I love/like is far away from here, living his own life, prehaps oblivious to my feelings in that regard. Considering the circumstances, it is as it should be.
• Is there a song you can listen to all the time and never get tired of it?
  not really. My life requires musical variety to keep sane. I'm posting some songs that are roaming through my brain to FB tonight. "Kiss Your Tears Away" by the Smithereens, and "Only One" by Lifehouse.
• Are you 'in love' with the last person you kissed?
  I'm not, no
• Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone?
  there are photos accompanying maybe a third of my contacts, though they're generally not photos of those people. Confused yet?
• Who was the last person you talked to before going to sleep last night? What did you talk about?
  I talk to the same two people before I go to sleep every day--they are the other two people who live in this house. We talk about all sorts of things!
• Who was the last person to comment on one of your photos on Facebook? How did you meet that person?
  a friend's husband commented on my profile photo a couple of days ago
• How many of your friends are sexually active?
  that's need-to-know, and I really, really don't
• Have you ever felt deeply affected by the death of a celebrity?
  definitely, although not because of the 'celebrity' angle (I hope)
• To finish, is there anything you would like to say to someone?
  to everyone: comments are welcome. Encouraged, even. There was a time, way back when prior to the dawning of FB and Twitter and the immediacy of everything on the planet, when lurking on a blog without ever commenting was considered bad form. I'm not saying this because I "think it's bad form," but because I'm curious about who's out there, who's reading, why, and what it's all about.

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by George R.R. Martin, from A Storm of Swords]

how camest thou in this pickle?

I worry a lot. (Is it obvious? I should probably be concerned about that, too--hmmm.) The things that trouble me vary in size and relative intensity, from the sort that would bother almost anyone (money, health) to other things that seem to vex only me. For instance...

• I worry that the freckles on my face, which have been there my whole life, are actually signs of something awful.
• I worry that someday, when I'm having a rough day and it seems like no one's listening, I'm going to blow up the blog without first backing it up, and then be furious with myself forever. (I'm way more impulsive than anyone would ever realize, and if I had a dollar for every time I acted first and thought later, I'd be loaded.)
• I worry that I'm never going to get out of the soul-sucking situation that I feel like I'm drowning in.
• I worry that if (when) I do get out of the soul-sucking situation I feel like I'm drowning in, my heart will shatter when I have to leave this cat, who loves me to pieces. Don't even mention the people, because I'm not going to think about what it would feel like, leaving the people.
• I worry that I don't drive well enough to make it through another winter living in the great white north. Nevermind that I've got two snow-brush/scrapers, a shovel, and a bag of winter gear in the car from the end of October until it's flip-flop weather in the spring, plus whatever cold-weather gear I'm already wearing when I'm in the car. Nevermind that I take really good care of the car and drive smart and never leave home without the phone charged and ready (though I never, ever use it while I'm in the car, so, there). 
• I worry that my friends only like me because [name some useless, temporary nonsense], and it's only a matter of time before they don't anymore. Not because there's anything wrong with them, or that they've given me any reason to think that this is true. These are in-the-dark-of-night kinds of worries, not out-in-the-light-of-day logical analyses.
• I worry that the soul-sucking situation referred to above has stolen my vocabulary for some of the good things in my life, like gratitude and warmth and contentment, and placed it with grumbling and venting and a sort of vacuous lethargy. If I'm not bitching or whining, I often feel like I'm sleepwalking through every day. Surely that's not literally possible, no matter how much it feels like the only answer.
• I worry that I've used up my allotment of romantic love, that I somehow managed to run through it too quickly and now I'm simply 'out.' And that I will be like this--alone, sort of lonely but not exactly, sort of bored but not totally--forever.
• I worry that I'm too foolish or stubborn to take care of my health, and that something dumb will incapacitate or kill me.
• I worry about dropping my keys when I walk over a grate or past an opening in a curb.

Please understand that some of this is more tongue-in-cheek than not, all of it is sporadic, and that the existence of the list, in itself, is nothing about which to worry.

[the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from The Tempest, Act V, scene i]

the human mind is not a terribly logical or consistent place

• If you use public transport: what's your biggest pet peeve while out and about?
  people who exceed the reasonable space/time/energy limits of the situation. Stretching out to maximum length, so that others need to step over their feet (rather than simply tucking their feet below their seat or at least as near to it as possible), for instance. Wandering away from their own seats in order to find a completely open overhead bin in which to smash their carry-on, which requires backing up the line of people finding their seats before take-off, and then backing up the line of people trying to deplane, too. Getting onto a bus without change (or, worse, without cash), and expecting the driver to wait for them to make change or accommodate their own failure to plan.
• Do you know anyone who has a naturally loud voice, where it sounds like are shouting but they really aren't?
  pretty much everyone I work with has some form of this, whether in their own habits or in what they allow or encourage in others. That alone brings me closer to a complete meltdown than any other thing than I encounter each day.
• Is there anything you are scared/awkward about talking about in life?
  there are plenty of topics that I choose not to discuss with certain people, or in specific situations, because it will be awkward or difficult for me or for others. But no, I wouldn't really say that I'm scared or awkward about them in general. As I understand it, I tend to be more open than others, generally, and can just get out stuff that others won't even start. Whether that's good or bad, though, is up for interpretation.
• Has a pet ever stolen food from you as you were eating it?
  not my own pet, no
• When was the last time you had to cancel plans because you were sick?
  it's been quite a while. I've postponed a night out within the last six months or so because of a headache, I think, but made it up a week or so later.
• What is the weirdest compliment you have ever been given?
  "If I were ever going to love anyone, it would be you."
• Is there a certain way you have to sleep? For example, with a window open or the fan on?
  windows closed if I'm on the ground floor, and no fan or radio or TV. I like dark and quiet, and I've become a light sleeper, so too much exterior sound will rouse me easily.
• Would you still be interested in buying/renting a house if you found out it was supposed to be haunted?
  I'm not sure that I believe in "haunted," but I don't really like the idea of being where bad stuff happened, either. I'm an empathetic person, so I would think about and feel bad/sad about what happened. That wouldn't be a good situation for me to be in, willingly.
• What was the last thing you created that you were proud of?
  certainly nothing made with yarn. Um, probably the mandarin orange cake, or some of the photos that I've taken.
• If you had a button that you could carry with you at all times and press at any time, but it only did one thing, what would your button do?
  stop the world so I can take naps, or maybe even just a short break so I don't literally want to rip the [bleep] out of the person who's annoying me. Yep, just a worldwide Pause button, please!
• Are you good at puzzles or riddles?
  I'm good at logic puzzles. I loathe riddles, and the people who tell them. I sort of suck at most standard types of puzzles, too (e.g. Sudoku, crosswords). It surprises me to be able to say that I'm getting better, though. (see photo at right)
  
  
• Do you think you would enjoy working with the person you're dating? Or a close friend or family member?
  I was actually thinking about this very question earlier today. Working with the person that one is dating is complicated, sometimes wonderful, and usually completely awful. Becoming close friends with someone with whom one works is awesome. Hiring, or starting to work with, a close friend or family member, is courting disaster. Having been there, I would counsel against all of it. Keep your work life and your home life completely separate.
• Which is stronger, your upper or lower body?
  while I'm sure that I couldn't get along without the lower half, I'm going to say my upper body does the job more often than not
• Are you very careful with your technology (phone, laptop, etc.) or do you take risks that could damage them?
  I am exceedingly careful with technology, though I recently dropped my phone on my foot and feared both for the phone and the foot as it happened
• Have you ever been in the newspaper? What for?
  my name, yes - for all the usual school things, and for some strange crime-related stuff during high school. I briefly dated a guy who was nothing but trouble....
• What age do you often get mistaken for?
  I am occasionally presumed to be younger than my chronological age. Something about staying out of the sun and never smoking, maybe?
• If you could change your surname to anything, what would you change it to?
  oh, that is a very hard question to ask a single woman, isn't it?
• Would you say that the area you live in is particularly picturesque?
  indeed, I would not
• Do you always download software/app updates?
  ironically, there is one on my phone that's been pending since mid-September. I generally put them through sooner than this, but circumstances have urged me to wait on this one.
• Do you take any vitamin supplements?
  I do, though my approach is definitely to supplement what I already get in my diet, rather than to pretend that the pill will provide what I need, outright. Novel, I know.

[from The Cat {a much longer post that I divided into smaller ones}, who got it here; the title quotation is by Jim Butcher, from Turn Coat]

striving to better, oft we mar what's well

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1. Amy
2. I.B.A., which stands for "Irish Bird Assassin," which refers to my ridiculous inability to replicate an Irish accent, combined with my strange ability to attract flocks (or smaller grouplets) of birds, often on foot (them, not me), often with a vaguely sinister intent  
3. "Boss"

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

1. gerblog
2. aimster (oh, please - just tell me you're surprised)
3. various très obvious derivations of my names

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. shoulders
2. tattoos
3. ability to discern celebrity voices from voice-over commercials

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. [redacted body part]
2. social skills, generally
3. singing voice

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. Norway
2. England
3. romantic soul bogged down with Protestant pragmatism

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. big dogs
2. loneliness
3. fools and their impulses

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. keys
2. contacts
3. cash

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:

• I haven't listened to new music in a while, so I've got nothing here. I think I've got a couple of things on hold that should be coming in later this week, so that might ease things up here in the near future. 

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):

1. back-rubs without expectations
2. good surprises only, please
3. spontaneous thought

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)

1. if I were given the choice, I would probably become a squirrel
2. if I could go back, I wouldn't, because I can't change anything anyway
3. I deliberately type faster at work to impress/annoy my colleagues

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. unequivocally enjoy children and puppies
2. eat ground turkey
3. math in my head

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE PASTIMES:

1. reading
2. writing
3. thinking. Just thinking.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. sleep
2. field an offer
3. be "surprised by" a message

THREE CAREERS [YOU'VE CONSIDERED]:

1. writing
2. [the one I've got]
3. photography

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION/HOLIDAY:

1. Canada
2. Panama
3. Iceland

THREE FUTURE POTENTIAL KIDS' NAMES:

1. Never.
2. Gonna.
3. Happen.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. be happy
2. do what I can to ensure the happiness and comfort of those I care about
3. leave less of a mess than I come across

[from The Cat {a much longer post that I divided into smaller ones}, who got it here; the title quotation is by William Shakespeare, from King Lear, Act I sc. iii]

film lovers are sick people

This is the second half of this post, the list of movies that have crossed my desk over the past few days that I would like to see. Once again, they are in no particular order, and I didn't check to see if there were any duplicates from the last time around (which wouldn't really surprise me), so please forgive that if it occurred. Comments, questions, suggestions, etc., are welcome as always!

Pain & Gain

Gosford Park

The Painted Veil

South Pacific

Michael Clayton

Love, Ludlow

Grand Canyon
Love Actually
The Libertine
Gangs of New York
Mozart and the Whale
Ghost Town

The 39 Steps (Hitchcock's 1935 version)

Spanglish

Midsummer Night's Dream (1999)

Diner

Irréversible

Moonrise Kingdom

A Knight's Tale

The Replacements

Henry Poole is Here

My Date with Drew

The Barbarian Invasions

First Knight

I'm Not There
Bird by Bird with Annie
Henry & June
I ♥ Huckabees
Elizabethtown
A Touch of Evil

His Girl Friday

Michael Collins

Notting Hill

Fail-Safe

Ordinary People

The Hustler

[the title quotation is by François Truffaut]

only a single, transparent question

A hand is not four fingers and a thumb. 

Nor is it palm and knuckles, 
not ligaments or the fat's yellow pillow, 
not tendons, star of the wristbone, meander of veins. 

A hand is not the thick thatch of its lines 
with their infinite dramas, 
nor what it has written, 
not on the page, 
not on the ecstatic body. 

Nor is the hand its meadows of holding, of shaping— 
not sponge of rising yeast-bread, 
not rotor pin's smoothness, 
not ink. 

The maple's green hands do not cup 
the proliferant rain. 
What empties itself falls into the place that is open. 

A hand turned upward holds only a single, transparent question. 
Unanswerable, humming like bees, it rises, swarms, departs. 

[Jane Hirschfield, 'A Hand']

I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible

• Most daring dare you have ever done?
  loving someone in the face of good reasons not to
• When is the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
  every damn day I do that. My conscience tells me that it cannot persist much longer.
• What was on your mind most today?
  this quotation--"The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.” [Paulo Coelho, from 'By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept']--and its inspiration
• Have a best friend?
  indeed. I also am a best friend, and not necessarily at the same time. Isn't the world of friendship confusing and amazing all at once?
• If you were upset, who's the first person you would go to?
  depends who and what upset me, I suppose. Lots of times I won't go to anyone at all.
• When was the last time someone yelled at you?
  I'm more of a "yell about" than a "yell at," these days, and that's a sad state of affairs
• What have you done today, so far?
  I: listened to the furnace man run periodic maintenance on the furnace; got out of bed; got ready and went to work; worked (and therein listened to some nagging); came home and played with some sad kitties who saw their doctor today for periodic maintenance; ate delicious dinner with brownies on top; and attempted some serious correspondence, only to be met with a nonfunctional website midway through. That's all, so far.
• What did last weekend consist of?
  preparing for the departure of the housemates, and then watching several movies while reassuring the cats that all was not lost
• What are you listening to?
  "Bad for Me" by Megan & Liz just ended. "Carve Your Heart"--my old standby--by Dashboard Confessional is on now.
• Who were you last in a car with?
  my friend Sara, who is never called Sara
• Have you ever been called cute?
  probably. I'm sure it's been a while.
• Describe how you feel right now in one word:
  pressured
• Has anybody ever told you that you talk too fast?
  no
• Did you have fun yesterday?
  no
• Do you like to cuddle?
  yep, for all the good it does me
• Do you think someone is thinking about you?
  perhaps, though they're keeping it close to the vest if that's the case
• Are you stubborn?
  Hell yeah
• Is there a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or ex that you will never forget?
  I won't forget any of them, such is the state of my memory and personality
• Thinking back, are there people you have no idea why you hung out with?
  no, I'm pretty clear on why I did it
• How's your heart?
  a little extra thumpy, actually. Thanks for asking.
• Are you easily amused?
  I am, and not always at the proper time
• Do you speak more than two languages?
  I do not
• Are you doing anything tonight?
  this, and attempting that important communication once again
• Is there a person of the same sex who means a lot to you?
  there are all sorts of persons who mean a lot to me, of varying definitions of gender
• Is your hair naturally straight?
  my hair is, naturally
• What happened at 10:00 AM?
  just work
• What were you doing at ten last night?
  reading
• Have you made someone happy today?
  I have reason to believe that I did
• Is it hard for you to get over someone?
  that's certainly a theme running through my mind and my writing lately. Yes, it is.
• Think it's disgusting when girls get really wasted?
  it's disgusting when anyone gets really wasted. Men, women, panda bears, robots, imaginary knights, comic book characters....
• How long did it take you to get over your last ex?
  I suppose that remains to be seen
• When you are home alone do you still close the door when you shower?
  I do.

[from The Cat, who got it here; the title quotation is by Paulo Coelho from By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, and reads in its entirety:

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”]

there may be danger in the deed, But there is honour too

    Sleep eludes me. It's funny (or maybe it's not, who knows, I could be hallucinating) that I'm such a solitary person, these three days on my own all of a sudden seem to be enormously challenging for me. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep, though.
     Just writing this is reminding me of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, in which our intrepid crew stumbles upon...something...that renders them unable to sleep (all except the Betazoid counselor, who has super-detailed and disturbing dreams). The ship's doctor--typically a rather dry and mild woman, but at this point also affected by the disturbance--waxes on about the situation quite dramatically:

We have to dream in order to survive. If we don't reach REM sleep, we don't dream, we... we begin to lose our cognitive abilities, we find it hard to concentrate, we forget... how to do the most ordinary task. Then we become irritable, paranoid; some people experience hallucinations.

    Yep, I'm sleepy.

---

    A few weeks ago (? maybe? I'm not certain exactly when it was) I signed up with lumosity.com. It was late, I was bored, I remembered seeing an advertisement on TV about it, and it seemed harmless enough.
     Well, yeah, it's that. It's also terribly engrossing, frustrating, fun, annoying, and I even think it's working. Check it out. (My progress over the last four weeks is shown graphically below.)

---

    Charlie Trotter died today. I didn't know him, but almost anyone from around here would have heard of him. It's a sad day in the world of restaurants, "small business" (in the sense of starting your own place in your own way on your own terms, with your own vision, and making it work by force of will), and this area.
     In this, I am reminded of an old friend. We knew each other in high school. He was gregarious, very outgoing and friendly, a terrific guy. He intended to go into a job in radio. Somewhere along the way, though, he was sidetracked and gained an interest in cooking. Others tried to dissuade him, urging him to stick with the career for which he'd been educated. He had his heart set, though, and he went for it.
     It wasn't easy, but he succeeded. He launched and ran his own restaurant in a large city for several years, and has now branched out into different areas of the field. He was a James Beard Award semifinalist. He's a rock-star, really. I could not be more proud of him. Though we're out of touch, I've followed him--discreetly and respectfully--all along. I think it's terrific that he went for it, just like Charlie Trotter did. There's my lesson, my example, my thought for today: Take your one shot.

[the title quotation is by W.E. Aytoun, from "The Island of the Scots" in Lays of the Scottish Cavaliers]

I do not think it means what you think it means

    I'm house-sitting for my...what are they? House-mates? Landlords? Friends? However I should put it, I'm home alone while they're away taking care of some business early this week. I'm bored, a little frustrated with the four-legged wonders (who are also frustrated by my lack of responsiveness to their ever-present needs), and quite lonely. This does not bode well for my eventual alone-living, does it?
     I've responded by watching some movies. Yesterday, I saw the new Jason Statham flick, Redemption. It was the best I've seen from him since War, which is a pretty darned good movie under any circumstances. I laughed, and I was close to tears, and I even took a photograph of the TV so that I could share this line with the world:

yep, he said that.

     After that, I tried to watch the new Joss Whedon version of Much Ado About Nothing, but after 30, maybe 45 minutes, I turned it off. It was unwatchably bad; I hated it. [spoiler alert] Shakespeare is, clearly, fucking awesome. Modern adaptations can also be really good. A cobbled-together combination of the two has to be done RIGHT to be good, and this just plain wasn't; modern dress, modern conventions (cars, phones, whatever), but dialogue straight out of the play?!? It made me want to punch myself in the ears. It was terribly stilted, and when combined with godforsaken queasycam, made the film literally nauseating. I had to turn it off or risk vomiting in my own lap.
     Today's selection was much better: Frozen Ground, starring Nicholas Cage, John Cusack and Vanessa Hudgens. It was hard to watch, but I was impressed by the range of both Cusack and Hudgens. Cage really threw himself into this one, and it showed (though the special features interview reveals him to be as much of a nut as he ever was).
     The best part of the day, without a doubt? Getting in on the Kickstarter for Hal Hartley's new movie project, Ned Rifle. It's the third in the Simon Grim series, begun with Henry Fool and followed by Fay Grim. I love Hal Hartley anyway, but this approach to film financing intrigues me, so I'm super excited. I can't wait to see what happens with the project.

[the title quotation is by William Golding, from The Princess Bride, and reads in its entirety: “Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”]

most people are other people

• If I were a month I would be: August
• If I were a day of the week I would be: Thursday
• If I were a time of day I would be: 11:PM
• If I were a planet I would be: Venus (oh, I know—right?)
• If I were a sea animal I would be: one of those brilliantly colored fish that live so far beneath the surface that no one will ever see it with the naked eye
• If I were a direction I would be: East
• If I were a piece of furniture I would be: (see photo)

  

  a built-in, over-the-door bookcase

• If I were a historical figure I would be: relatively anonymous, but eventually mark-making
• If I were a liquid I would be: mercury
• If I were a stone, I would be: cold
• If I were a tree, I would be: a long-needled pine that smells fantastic in winter
• If I were a bird I would be: a loon, of course
• If I were a tool, I would be: laughing out loud
• If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a very fidgety white African violet with purple striations
• If I were a kind of weather, I would be: hard rain
• If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a 12-string guitar
• If I were an animal, I would be: an almost-silent beagle. (Yes, I love cats, but by temperament I'm a dog.)
• If I were a color, I would be:  iridescent gray, like the inside of an oyster shell
• If I were an emotion, I would be: yep. That.
• If I were a vegetable, I would be: corn
• If I were a sound, I would be: rueful laughter
• If I were an element, I would be: Hydrogen. (I'm a man without a country.)
• If I were a car, I would be: a Jaguar sedan
• If I were a song, I would be: Hallelujah, sung in the style of Jeff Buckley by someone who loves me
• If I were a food, I would be: bacon!
• If I were a place, I would be: a riverbank on the big M
  
• If I were a material, I would be: suede
• If I were a taste, I would be: umami, maybe? (I like the idea of being almost impossible to understand.)
• If I were a scent, I would be: vanilla
• If I were a religion, I would be: Buddhism
• If I were a word, I would be: wistful
• If I were an object, I would be: a photograph
• If I were a body part I would be: shoulders
• If I were a facial expression I would be: the transition
• If I were a subject in school I would be: history, I would think
• If I were a cartoon character I would be: Sylvester, Jr.
• If I were a shape I would be: a scalene triangle
• If I were a number I would be: irrational

[from The Cat {a much longer post that I divided into smaller ones}, who got it here; the title quotation is by Oscar Wilde, and reads in its entirety, “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”]

have you ever hoped for something?

    My mind keeps falling back to him, at obvious times (when circumstances take me past places where we once were, together, say) and also when I least expect it. And those latter moments are those that really tear at me, since they're more unexpected and I've no chance to brace for them, and also because they're part of my life now. It's bad enough that he's got control, after all this, of so much of then--it's agony that there's an ongoing portion of myself that's still tied up in that.
    He was hardly my first love. Definitely not my best love. Clearly not my last love, thank God! But he was, without a doubt, what I wanted, and I was not going to stop at anything short of having him for my own.
     I'd only recently separated from my spouse, after having been with him since college. I was seeking something, though I didn't know what it was yet. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I was starting the search, and would only over time determine what it was that I sought, and how I might go about finding it. Maybe that quest is what my life really is, now. Regardless, at the time I thought that he was what I'd been looking for. What I "needed." So I pounced on him with great fervor, enough to frighten even myself at times. He must have been truly shaken by my vehemence, given his odd combination of world-weariness and disconcerting innocence.
    I set out to get him, and I got him. It wasn't easy; he never intended to be "gotten," and put up arguments and made trouble all along the way--while also never pulling himself all the way out it. It was like teaching someone to swim who's afraid of water and determined that they're going to drown, so they're as dangerous to the person teaching and helping them as they are to themselves. He came close to pulling us both under many, many times. But I was at least equally determined that it was going to work, and there were a lot of other people involved (mutual friends, his family) who believed, as I did, that he was "ready to commit," needing only to make the conscious decision to "let himself" before he could do so fully.
     It would never happen. He tested my patience and, frankly, tried hard to break my heart by pulling me close and then holding himself away, over and over. I don't know what finally changed within me, but something finally snapped. We'd had too many versions of the same episode--him quietly explaining, me crying and arguing and sometimes throwing shoes at his head, and him finally, with a perverse look of regret, leaving--when I realized that we just weren't going to stand it anymore. Neither of us could live like that any longer. There were a couple more scenes for us to play out, not as dramatic as what had come before (nor nearly as emotional), but probably just as necessary. Weaning ourselves off of the drug, maybe.
     I've seen him only a couple of times since then. This isn't a big city: his parents live two miles from here; he works half a block from my grocery store; he doesn't know where I live anymore, so he can't go out of his way to avoid me as easily. Really, the odds that we wouldn't run into each other are pretty slim--and yet we don't.
     Why, then, does the memory of him weigh so heavily upon me? When I look back on it, I don't know if I even really loved him. That's a pointless distinction to make now, since I'm still struggling with this either way. But the memories are, for the most part, bad ones. He loved me, or something like it, and he hurt me on purpose, again and again. If I met him now, we wouldn't make it through one whole date before I kicked him to the curb, probably even literally. That sentence means a lot. I used to have hope, and faith, and vehemence. I used to be sure, when I fell headfirst into it, that something would work. Now, I start everything with one foot outside, clean and dry, to make it all the easier to get a running start when it all blows up. Which I'm certain that it's going to do. Because no matter what you put into something, no matter how much you hope or how much faith you have, it's going to blow up. And unless you start running before it's over, you'll get cut up at least.
     It makes sense that I'd get out of something like that wanting to protect myself. I just don't know yet how much I'm hurting myself by protecting myself, still.

[the title quotation is by Ali Shaw, from The Girl With Glass Feet, and reads in its entirety: “Have you ever hoped for something? And held out for it against all the odds? Until everything you did was ridiculous?”]