do you trust me?

1. Have you, or has someone close to you, ever won an award for anything? (I just came from my dad's ceremony wherein he was given a medal of honor by the French government for service in France in WWII....)
   Nothing that exciting! I won a writing prize during law school, and a couple of people close to me recently won their age groups in (running) races.
2. Who is the nearest relative to you who has served in the US Military?
   uncles
3. Share something that stirs the patriotic spirit in you.
   I am not what one might call "typically" patriotic. Reading history can affect me in certain ways that might fall into this broad category, I suppose?
4. Where are you in the birth order in your family? Do you think your "placement" made a difference in your personality?
   I'm the youngest child and the second daughter. Birth order had a significant effect on my personality. Rebellious, open, intelligent, spoiled, stubborn, abstract: that's me.
5. Name one trait you hope you carry that was evidenced in your parents or grandparents.
   tenacity
6. If female, do you prefer wearing a skirt or pants? If male, shirt and tie or polo?
   depends. There are times when I adore wearing little girlie skirts and other very cute clothes. At the moment, I'm in terribly baggy cargo pants, a kind of sloppy tshirt, and shoes that could kill.
7. Approximately how many times do you wake during the night? What do you do to go back to sleep?
   depends. (I'm laughing too hard to complete this thought. Prehaps another day.)
8. Share a favorite movie quote.
   Maria: Not because you love me or anything like that?
   Matthew: I respect and admire you.
   Maria: Is that love?
   Matthew: No, that's respect and admiration. [from Trust]
9. What is your favorite Fall candle scent?
   apple, no spice
10. What is one Fall activity you're looking forward to?
    hiding at Cat-Beast's to avoid P-Fest
11. Tell us about a pleasant surprise that happened to you recently.
    kisses
12. What was it like when you first met your in-laws-to-be?
    absolutely terrible. My spouse-to-be did not give me the advance warning that I'd requested, so when he turned off the highway I asked, "Are we close?" He said, "Yeah, sorta."
    "How close?"
    "Couple blocks."
    "!!!"
    They never liked me. It was obvious from the first moment. Wanted him to be with someone more...sedate. Well, they've got that now!
    Fuck 'em.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

obstacles, part II

for Reed, who argued with me when I claimed to be a romantic who doesn't believe I'll ever find true love. This is true love:

I came back from the funeral and crawled
around the apartment, crying hard,
searching for my wife's hair.
For two months got them from the drain,
from the vacuum cleaner, under the refrigerator,
and off the clothes in the closet.
But after other Japanese women came,
there was no way to be sure which were
hers, and I stopped. A year later,
repotting Michiko's avocado, I find
a long black hair tangled in the dirt.
[Jack Gilbert, 'Married', in The Great Fires: Poems, 1982-1992]

obstacles, part I

“Disappointment and loss are a part of every life. Many times we can put them behind us and get on with the rest of our lives. But not everything is amenable to this approach. Some things are too big or too deep to do this, and we will have to leave important parts of ourselves behind if we treat them in this way. These are the places where wisdom begins to grow in us. It begins with suffering that we do not avoid or rationalize or put behind us. It starts with the realization that our loss, whatever it is, has become a part of us and has altered our lives so profoundly that we cannot go back to the way it was before.

“The thing about the many strategies we use to shelter ourselves from feeling loss is that none of them leads to healing. Although denial, rationalization, substitution, avoidance, and the like may numb the pain of loss, every one of them hurts us in some far more fundamental ways. None is respectful toward life or toward process. None acknowledges our capacity for finding meaning or wisdom.”

[Rachel Naomi Remen]

now the only time I can hold you is in my mind

1. What are 5 things that you hope to accomplish this week?
   I'm cheating on this one, since the week's nearly over.
   
   • Replenish the booze supply. (Check! Picked up some Molson Canadian--whew--and Cruzan aged on the way home from ze salón yesterday.)
   • Laundry. Again.
   • Sell the damned car.
   • Figure out the iLike playlist thing for work. (Done!)
   • Pay bills. (Um, tonight? Maybe?)
2. Name 5 reasons to sleep in.
   
   • Just 'cause. Seriously, there's no reason not to sleep in!
   • Hung over.
   • Still drunk.
   • Snow day!
   • Having a good dream that you just don't want to end.
3. Name 5 of the 'interesting' things you've heard lately.
   
   • The Hot Nephew married a badger.
   • My most fashionable friend agreed with the boots-with-velvet-dress style notion (at least in theory)!
   • Vanuatu may not be as far away as I once thought.
   • My phone number was requested...from the delivery guy. What. The. Hell.
   • "Lost Myself in Search of You" by Matt Nathanson
     
4. Name and link to 5 bloggers.
   
   • Matt Nathanson
   • The Customer is Not Always Right
   • Abraham Piper
   • There I Fixed It
   • Flavorwire
5. What are the 5 items that are always on your grocery list?
   
   • cereal
   • bread
   • milk
   • eggs
   • lemonade

[from The Cat, who got it here]

you didn't know I was already broken

Wandering through the photo logs, I found some from a vacation a couple of years ago. This is an art installation at one of the universities in my hometown. I wouldn't want to stumble on this in the middle of the night while not entirely coherent.
The kids have a pretty good view over there. Wonder if they appreciate it? Those bluffs in the back are another state.
My parents have tried to feed the hummingbirds. Every now and then, they have a little luck--like I did with this series of pictures.

And some music to clear the palate.

you're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots.

1. Is there anything that you tend to do to cheer up when you are having a bad day? I don't see that "cheered up" is preferable to being in a bad mood, so I don't try to change the bad mood to a good one. In other words, I accept the bitter with the sweet.
2. What’s the last card game you played, and with whom did you play? I think I played cards with Farmer E. and her groom-to-be. We tried to play one of the easy children's games but mooshed the rules (Crazy 8's with Old Maid, I think?) and ended up just mangling the cards and dumping sticky booze all over the table. In other words, a good time was had by all but we'd hardly remember the details.
3. What’s the last board game you played, and with whom did you play? maybe Scrabble with my parents
4. What’s the last computer game you played, and with whom did you play? probably one of the mindless FB games to pass the time while waiting for a load of laundry to finish tumbling. I've eased up so much from playing the MGs that I barely maintain a presence anymore.
5. Is there somewhere you’d like to visit but have not, and where is it? the Emerald City, and Ireland and Spain
6. Think of your favorite movie (or a movie you really like, if you can’t think of a favorite). Some people say that the reasons you love your favorite movie are related to what you value in romantic relationships. How is this true or untrue in your case? OK, so my favorite movie is The Professional. It is not a "romantic" movie per se, but I would argue that it is a love story. It's a love story between Léon and Mathilda (obviously), but also between Léon and the plant, and later between Mathilda and the plant. If you haven't seen it, you think I'm drunk off my ass right now. It really is a very powerful movie, and Natalie Portman is ridiculously good (and of course Jean Reno is outstanding).
   But, "what you value in romantic relationships"? Hmm. That's a curious thought. There is no literal "payoff" in the romances that pervade The Professional. They are all chaste relationships, though they are also very fervent. If there is one outstanding feature that unites them all, it would be loyalty, above all else. Is that what I value most in relationships?
   Ironic.
7. What physical attributes do you find the most attractive? Intense eyes. An expressive mouth.
8. How many people live in your house? Tell us about them. just us chickens.
9. Ever punch someone in the face? no, but I did get to slap him once before it all ended. Makes me wish I could go back and do it again.

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quote by Léon (Jean Reno) from The Professional]

for union & lake

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,

don't hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty

of lives and whole towns destroyed or about

to be. We are not wise, and not very often

kind. And much can never be redeemed.

Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this

is its way of fighting back, that sometimes

something happens better than all the riches

or power in the world. It could be anything,

but very likely you notice it in the instant

when love begins. Anyway, that's often the

case. Anyway, whatever it is, don't be afraid

of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

['Don't Hesitate' by Mary Oliver from Swan: Poems and Prose Poems]

come on into the water!

1. Someone knocks on your door. You have not seen this person in years. You were once great friends. Who would you like it to be and why?
   my old boss, Andy. He's one of the few people in the world who are completely comfortable with my silence, and he's also hilarious and smart and very, very dear. I miss him like crazy.
2. What do you think would be a great song title that isn't one? Who do you want to record it?
   that will remain a secret until the release, won't it?
3. You are having a party. If I'm invited, what should I bring?
   booze. I've got a ton of beer (surprised the fridge hasn't fallen through the floor yet), some Maker's Mark and maybe a dribble of vodka. The rest of us are out of luck.
4. If your spouse or s/o cheated with a one night stand while away, would you really want to know?
   oh yeah. Definitely.
5. How long does it take for a house guest to drive you bonkers?
   depends on the house guest. I do try to accept what comes...but this is a really small apartment in which to host both a house guest and an acceptance attempt, at once.
6. If you could pick a new color for the sky, what would you pick?
   the current standard works for me. Anything beyond that would just seem too Midwest-stormy
7. What did you think of the Olympics?
   meh. I don't get too worked up about them. Apolo Ohno is hot, though.
8. Could TT have thought of a lamer blogger that me to guest host?
   I know some people, if that's a goal.
9. What's the stupidest lie that someone really thought you'd believe?
   "it's not you. It's me."
10. What was the best day you had in high school? Tell us about it.
    high school is a blur of nonstop happiness and good times. To pick one day would be so unfair to the rest of the amazing days!
    Seriously: when I was dating the guy who became known as "little Brian" (something he would think was just darling if he knew about it, I'm sure), there were a few times that we went to his house after school. His mom was always there, so it's not that sort of thing. We just spent time in his room, listened to music, talked about school and our mutual friends (of whom there were relatively few, since we were not in the same grade), kissed a little, and generally soaked up the atmosphere of spending time with someone who felt exactly the same way about you, that you did about them. It didn't last long, it wasn't perfect, neither of us was without ulterior motives--but those afternoons were very lovely.
11. Name something that you have in your home that you are sure most people don't.
    I have two sharks hanging on the wall above my living room windows.
12. Why haven't you at least tried to play The Dating Profile Meme?
    it doesn't seem terribly amusing
13. Do you think homophobia is a choice?
    I so do.

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation from Jaws]

it’s fun to go shopping. It’s such a feminine thing to do.

It's that time of year. I want boots. Can I justify both the brown and the black? They are pretty different!
There's really no reason to shop unless I can buy something ridiculously extravagant from J.Peterman. This time, the Velvet Evening Dress, in which I would look even more stunning with those black boots....
and this necklace:
...which is atypical for me--I would usually choose square, but this is a great setting and the size is just right. I love this.

And for casual Fridays, I'm thinking of something like this (yes, it's glittery) camisole:
under this cashmere sweater:
with these jeans:
and these shoes:
And all of it with this coat on top.
Can't wait to see the credit card bill when it's all over. Ha!

[title quotation from Marilyn Monroe]

it is not at all simple to understand the simple

I had a l-o-n-g post started, probably two screens' worth already, with at least that much more to work through. I've thought better of blathering it all out in long form. Here are the highlights:

• my last couple of weeks have been far more drama-filled than usual
• it started with an example of my extreme reluctance to enforce personal boundaries with people who want badly to be friends with me--I just never trust it
• that was followed by someone I know behaving abominably toward some other people I like very much. I know that I hold my friends to extraordinarily high standards (y'all do pretty well, even so), but this was outrageous and truly unforgivable.
• after one calm day (during which those who were betrayed in the situation above managed to knit their peace of mind back together), one of my bffs broke her shoulder. She will be out of work for at least 5 weeks and is still in a lot of pain. It sucks to be powerless to help.
• the next day, someone that I like a lot tried to (offered to?)...make a date for me, in awkward circumstances. Because I was amused and touched by the offer (not really by the date), I did not refuse it outright, but also did not immediately accept.
• I worked a extra half-shift the following day, volunteering, helping out a friend whose special project needed a couple more arms and a brain. Afterward, she came over for a much-needed drink and unwind.
• the weekend was a blur of laundry. Everything I owned needed to be cleaned. Happily, the weather was utterly perfect, so the windows were open and I was reading and drinking tea throughout.
• the place where I spend most of my time is in the usual state of mayhem, compounded by serious financial problems and the absence of the bff. Scary.
• middle of last week, Nick (my former coworker/boyfriend) came to the place where I work, allegedly for proper reasons. He arrived 10 minutes before my regular quittin' time (which has been consistent since he knew me). He drove there in his work uniform and vehicle (meaning he was still "on the clock"). My car was clearly visible from the place where he parked. The goal he was pursuing could have been accomplished at any time in the following four hours--or on any other day that the place is open (it was not time-sensitive). According to a colleague, he spent ten minutes asking in varying (and not so varying) ways, "What's new here? What's going on? Anything new going on with people here?", after which he walked toward (but not into) my office--not into it, because it was dark. I had left for the day just as he arrived, but he apparently did not see me go. All of these elements lead me (and a couple of others with whom it's come up) to the conclusion that he had an ulterior motive for his visit.
  Idiot.
• one of my friends is completely obsessed with the destruction of the relationship that she used to be in, and refuses all offers for help. It's as if she enjoys the pain (and the attention that it garners!) rather than recognizing it as the deterrent that it was 'designed' to be. She has medical insurance with access to mental health care. She's a highly educated person. She's not stupid. There is an ineffable point where sympathy, empathy, and understanding fade away, and simple weariness at another's self-indulgence takes their place. If you know that the fire is hot and it's burning you, then take your motherfucking hand out of the goddamned fire.
• hopes of selling my car through the "friend of a friend" network are fading, as is my enthusiasm for this process. I just want to be done with it already, and I'm concerned that my disdain and frustration will lead me to make an expedient but expensive choice. I have to be patient for a little bit longer.
• I worked an extra quarter shift (also volunteering) at the start of this week, closing up that special project with my friend. Her assistants were not as helpful as they could have been. I was glad to be there to help her, and also glad that my presence led others to spend some time helping, too. The shut-down went much faster than start-up (and far faster than I'd anticipated) so it was the best possible end to the project.
• a very good friend is, very suddenly, in luuurrrrrve, and I am surprised to find myself cranky and sad about it. Not that I don't want the best for him, of course. I just don't think this is it. And I guess I'm probably a little jealous.

That's pretty much it. Now that I've taken some time to think about it, we should be back to regularly-scheduled programming. Thanks for your patience.

[title quotation by Eric Hoffer]

every one knows what harm the bad may do, but who knows the mischief done by the good?

1. Have you ever wondered why snakes can't slither backwards? they can't?
2. Is divorce contagious? no, but thinking is
3. Do you enjoy hiking? not even remotely, though I do like walking aimlessly
4. Is there a color of a shirt a man should just never wear? yes
5. Have you read a news story this week that just made your blood boil? no, but several things have happened to friends that have made my blood boil, so, there was boiling blood.
6. Do you keep old business cards or name tags from companies you have worked for? not of my own, but, yeah. I use business cards as bookmarks. I like the little reminder of where I was when.
7. If you could save an endangered species, which one would it be? the toy giraffe. This is a terrible video (dude, hold your hand steady when shooting camera-phone video of your TV, please!) but it gets the point across:
   
8. When is it warm enough outside for you to start wearing shorts? 64°
9. Have you ever broken a window? yes. Former spouse locked us out of the house and couldn't pull the trigger on punching the window. I...could.
10. Do dogs in your neighborhood howl when they hear sirens from police cars or fire trucks? weird: there are no dogs in the neighborhood! Might be the proximity to the police station; they'd be barking themselves hoarse in no time.
11. Have you tried doing something as an adult that you used to be able to do as a kid? yes, I have. And I liked it just as much.

[From The Cat, who got it here. title quotation from William Makepeace Thackeray]

endure not yet a breach, but an expansion

As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

['A Valediction Forbidding Mourning' by John Donne, from Poems Of John Donne V.1, ed. by E. K. Chambers]