the snow doesn't give a soft white damn whom it touches

It is currently snowing everywhere I've ever lived, all because of the same storm. That is kind of amazing, and it made me laugh out loud.

[title quotation from E.E. Cummings]

why not spend some time determining what is worthwhile for us, and then go after that?

    Two good friends of mine, who do not know each other in any way, asked me in completely different ways during the past couple of days, "What attributes comprise your ideal man?" The conversation with one - my female landlord - was very lighthearted and my response took that tone. I said that my ideal man would be one who lived nearby (perhaps even in the same building) but not with me. He would be completely silent; we decided that deaf-muteness was the best way to accomplish that goal. He would also be a workaholic, meaning that he would almost never be home, but that when he was, he would be polite and extraordinarily generous. And hot. And maybe a [selective] nudist.

    I'm not sure if she was thinking of my former neighbor, the one who caught me taking "surveillance photos" on behalf of The Cat, but I definitely was!

    The other questioner was totally serious, so I suppose that I should be, too, even though this is probably the most difficult question that I could try to answer. I do not want this. Still, for the sake of argument, if I could build the perfect guy, he'd be like this, for a start:

• Unafraid to look me in the eye
• Not much into accumulating stuff, and relatively gentle with my occasional extreme-disposition mode (i.e. chucking everything I find that's not nailed down)
• Comfortable with travel in various ways
• At least reasonably tolerant of my tendency toward "eco-warrior" behavior (i.e. not like my family of origin, who've taken to calling me "the recycle cop"; but really, if it's going into a bin anyway, why not put it into the recycling bin rather than the garbage bin?!)
• Able to turn off the stuff and really be there - more real world than fantasy
• A fan of music, or books, or movies. Not necessarily the same ones that I like (though some overlap would be good!), but just...an appreciator.
• Never falling short of standing up for me, almost to the point of being protective or a throw-back in this regard
• My tattoos are such a big deal for me, they have to be a good, big thing for my ideal mate, too. Maybe they wouldn't have the same degree of meaning (how could they?) but he would get the point, that they have meaning to me, that having them done was a big deal, and that they're really for me (and the few people who will ever see them all), not for non-specific 'attention'. And maybe it's odd, but I'm on the fence about tattoos on a guy.
• An absolute adoration of kissing is nonnegotiable. (More about this in another post within the next week or so.)
• Must be independent and comfortable with my degree of independence
• Sharp, but book-smart isn't necessarily required; each of us having our own thing is a good thing
• More "guy" than "man"--and definitely almost no "boy". Are we still clear on the differences? I'll try to explain again if needed.
• He should have a "guy hobby", something to balance when I'm doing stuff on my own. Car? Motorcycle? Running? Something he'll want to do that I'll definitely not want to do, too.
• Unfussy. Metrosexuals need not apply.
• Confident to the point of arrogant, even at the cost of being kind of a dick at times, rather than veering in the direction of excessive sensitivity
• Faithful
• Funny, though not necessarily comedic. And clever (required for getting my humor and half the rest of the shit I say). And not overly prone to quoting movie lines, at least not without attribution.
• Has what it takes to make me reckless in some way that really matters, whether or not it's acted upon
• The one thing upon which I will not compromise is that he's got to be in love with me, too

[title quotation by William Ross]

bring, from the dark and foul, the pure and bright

    Today sucked. I slept badly last night, my nonstop dreams swirling with confusing color and sound. I woke and even got up early, which did nothing to help me start the day right. Work was wrong straight off the bat; I checked my email, and found a message that I interpreted badly. I didn't respond immediately (definitely the best choice for all involved) but in mulling over my reply, the next few hours were very quiet externally, and very messy inside.

    Somewhere in the middle of all that, The Person Who Steers the Ship (so to speak) offhandedly insulted me and what I do. Twice. I usually (pretty much) take it in stride when what I do is basically ignored by 95% of the people around me. Today...was not the day. I do not expect anyone to kiss my ass; I do expect that one person can appreciate the importance of what I do. That is, apparently, too much to ask.

    I stomped and muttered about that for a while, finished what desperately needed to be one today, and left--another half-hour late, again. Came home to my cold, dark apartment (OK, so it's cold and fookin' bright, but you get the metaphorical picture). Read for a while. Took a shower. Ate dinner, the contents of which I'm struggling to recall, so it must've been something unremarkable. Washed the dishes and tidied the livingroom. And now I'm mostly sitting in my quiet office, my feet propped on the windowsill, watching the world go by, drinking lemon tea and trying to envision doing what needs to be done to change all of this. How hard could it be?

[title quotation by William Cullen Bryant, from The Fountain, and Other Poems]

what I'm trying to suggest, maybe not successfully...

1. What's the nicest thing a complete stranger ever did for you?
   this may sound facetious, but it's not - he gave me oxygen, a tranquilizer, and a bag of saline when I OD'd and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Yes, it was his job, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful.
2. What one thing always speaks deeply to you, to your spirit, no matter your mood or what else is going on in your life?
   the River
3. How many jobs have you held in your life? How many of those were part of your chosen career field?
   eleven. Depending what you consider my "chosen career field," either one, or a different one, or a different one. Huh!
4. Of those jobs, how many did you leave voluntarily?
   depends what you consider "voluntarily."
   
   I left...
   1. the first when I graduated (or slightly thereafter)
   2. the second through a combination of being forced out and quitting
   3. the third and fourth when I got married and moved to the Mitten
      
   4. the fifth when I returned to grad school full-time
   5. the sixth when I was through with my grad school coursework (it was a grad assistantship)
   6. the seventh when I moved to the current state (it was in conjunction with my former spouse's dissertation project--which was a very small portion of a VERY large, ongoing project at the university from which he earned his degree)
   7. the eighth when I found a tuition-waiver-added grad assistantship at school
   8. the ninth and tenth when the terms ended (it was that grad assistantship, above - one year in the Physical Therapy department and one year in the law school)
   9. the eleventh is my current job.
5. How did you discover Saturday 9? How long have you played? (Thank you for joining in!)
   ze Feline, of course, led me to it. I play when the questions inspire me, so my participation is irregular and almost never occurs on a Saturday. I'm not one for playing by the rules, in any case. You're welcome.
6. What's the worst beverage you've ever tasted?
   gin & tonic
7. Is there anything in life you are "certain" about? Firm in your beliefs? Strong in your convictions?
   as a much-admired Political Science prof once said, "It certainly is no certainty...." What I know best is that I don't know. [The title quotation is by him, too.]
8. How did you come up with the title of your blog's posts?
   lately, they are titled with a quotation either from a song, movie, or book that is mentioned in the post or that's been triggered in my thoughts by something I've written. I almost never capitalize the first word of the title, so I also avoid the letter "I" to start the quotations. (Yeah, I'm weird. Get over it.) If the post is a poem or a quotation itself, then the title is the portion of it that speaks most clearly to me at the time. Put simply: the title always has a deeper meaning.
9. Would you consider yourself a good cook?
   yup. I don't ever want to do it as a job again, but it is something that I like to do and miss when I haven't taken the time in too long. heh - the same could be said of lots of things, I suppose.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

people who do not understand themselves have a craving for understanding

Some things that I have learned:

• guys are dumb, but I am pretty often way worse
• lending money to someone you know is the worst idea ever. Either give it, or don't.
• no, borrowing money (privately) is the worst idea ever. Both parties can claim it's not going to be a problem, but it will be. It always is. As soon as something green goes from point A to point B--with intent to return--something's been irretrievably fucked.
• there is almost no substitute for good sex.
• good sex is not, on its own, a substitute for much. Think those last two are logically incompatible? They're not. Really.
• I owe a lot to Toby--who would, apart from these things, be almost completely forgettable
  • it's a lie when people say, "Exercise makes you feel good." I've been doing it faithfully for 3 months, and I can honestly say that I hate it, the whole time, every time. What is good, though, is having lost 15 pounds, feeling remotely healthier, and being on track to being healthier, both short- and long-term.
  • it's easier to keep my apartment tidy, or at least within the range of "I can get it clean within a half hour or so", when I'm seeing someone who's got issues about neatness.
  • I don't want to be with somebody who drinks too much. How much is too much? If you don't know, I will be able to tell you.
  • it would take an act of God for me to be interested in an older guy that I didn't know really well.
  • I miss Popeye sooooooo much.
• all that being said, I suppose I owe a lot to Ulysses, at least for introducing Toby & me. What a thing to have to think, but it's still true.
• I've loved him for a lot longer than I thought I'd know him.
• keeping work and non-work separate is incredibly vital to my peace of mind. When I'm mentally lazy, I tend to let the lines cross, to bring work home and to start thinking of work as home and to diminish the value of the separation. The separation is absolutely key. See why I didn't want to practice? I could never leave it at the office.
• some things, when you have to ask for them, aren't worth what they would be otherwise. These include:
  • raises,
  • hugs (and other expressions of that sort) from friends, and
  • anything in a restaurant that was ordered to come with the meal but arrived later.
• any man who spontaneously (and, need I add, correctly) uses the word "gratuitous" in a Facebook post is automatically +2 for life.
• when you say, "but I didn't get you anything!" in response to a gift, that does not convey, "This is great! Thank you!" It conveys, "Aww, fuck. Now I'm beholden. I wish you had not done this." If that's what you mean, go right ahead and say it. (In other words, the way that you accept a gift matters to the person who gave it.) If what you want is to be off the hook for future gifts, you need to remove yourself from the current hook.
• in any relationship, one person can't always be the one who asks (to do things, to meet for coffee, to hang out...). That person starts to feel unworthy, or like they're stalking, or, worst of all, like they've wasted all effort that's come before in the friendship. If there's no give-and-take, the only natural reaction is to feel like only one of you cares anymore.
• it sucks to really like someone (personally) with whom one has to "be the bad guy" in a professional sense. There is a natural, I think, tendency, then, to avoid the personal aspects of relationships, in order to make the professional side of things that much easier. It's only the personal that really matters.

• ranting is no substitute for careful thought and communication. A large portion of what goes on in the name of political commentary is no more than ranting. I am not a political scientist, but I did spend a portion of my scholarly training reading their work and learning their trade; what many "experts"--and a loud minority of my friends--put out there is no more astute analysis or useful commentary than a dog makes. It's embarrassing.
• this weekend's sport events are causing some major issues for a lot of people I know. It's pretty sad. It's not that I don't care who wins; rather surprisingly, I have a horse in this race, too. But there's no convincing someone to change their allegiance, if it's strongly felt. And if it's not strongly felt, it's not much of an allegiance anyway, so why would you want it for your own team? And in the end, What Does It Matter? What it comes down to is which colored uniforms the guys are wearing who make you smile (or whatever) when you're sitting like a zombie in front of the TV. Is that what your self-esteem rides on? *ouch*
• deep-cleaning the apartment takes more than a half-hour. That's what Sundays are for. If I get started now, I can watch the games in relative peace....

[title quotation by Wilhelm Stekel]

cured forever

Look up into the light of the lantern.
Don’t you see? The calm of darkness
is the horror of Heaven.

We’ve been apart too long, too painfully separated.
How can you bear to dream
to give up watching? I think you must be dreaming,
your face is full of wild expectancy.

I need to wake you, to remind you that there isn’t a future.
That’s why we’re free. And now some weakness in me
has been cured forever, so I’m not compelled
to close my eyes, to go back, to rectify—

The beach is still; the sea, cleansed of its superfluous life,
opaque, rocklike. In mounds, in vegetal clusters,
seabirds sleep on the jetty. Terns, assassins,

You’re tired; I can see that.
We’re both tired, we have acted a great drama.
Even our hands are cold, that were like kindling.
Our clothes are scattered on the sand; strangely enough,
they never turned to ashes.

I have to tell you what I’ve learned, that I know now
what happens to the dreamers.
They don’t feel it when they change. One day
they wake, they dress, they are old.

Tonight I’m not afraid
to feel the revolutions. How can you want sleep
when passion gives you that peace?
You’re like me tonight, one of the lucky ones.
You’ll get what you want. You’ll get your oblivion.
[Louise Glück, “Night Song”, from 'The Triumph of Achilles' in The First Four Books of Poems]

meeting you was my destiny

1. What inspires you to blog?
   everything. nothing. God knows. Sometimes it's just discipline, trying to do it daily so that I'm getting something out and staying connected to the world in at least one way. Sometimes it's hard to stop. Most of the time it's someplace in between, like most of life.
2. What’s the best thing about blogging, for you?
   oh, the money, for sure
3. What is your favourite book of all time?
   The Brothers K, by David James Duncan
4. It’s 9pm and for some reason you’ve been hungry all day, despite the three square meals. What do you rustle up?
   cereal, no doubt. Lately, my munchies cereals have been Special K with Red Berries (I'd love to know the marketing rationale behind that name) or [generic] Super Golden Crisp.
5. Who are three of your style icons?
   Henry Fool, Léon, and Catherine Willows
6. What’s your current favourite song/piece of music?
   "Take Me Back in Time" by Idlewild (from Post Electric Blues)
   
7. What is the last book you read?
   I'm in the Ds of The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan - it's pretty good so far - but the last book that knocked me on my ass was The Girl She Used to Be by David Cristofano. I'm thinking about reading it again this weekend. I don't think I've ever done that (read a book almost immediately after I've finished it). It was that good.
8. What is your current favourite recipe?
   beef soup. The best part is that it changes every time, so I never really know what I'm going to get.
9. Who or what first inspired you to set up your own blog?
   the who doesn't matter as much as the what: a disconcerting combination of a compulsion to confess and a desire to create something relatively permanent
10. What object could you not live without?
    "can't live without" is more than I'm willing to give to a thing - but I do appreciate my iPod, as much for its photo storage capabilities as for the music-player-ness
11. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
    *sigh*
12. Who or what made you into the person you are today?
    I did.
13. What have you learned from blogging?
    that nothing is sacred; that my friends are my friends not because they needed to be bought or convinced but because they are who they are; that it's very hard to produce quality content on a regular basis without help; and that knock-you-on-your-ass love isn't something to take lightly
14. Knowing what you know now, what knowledge would you pass on to your past self?
    apart from that last bit? Apart from a couple of very obvious potholes that I might've avoided if I'd had advance warning (maybe law school, maybe Brian from Mad-town...), I'm not sure I'd change much.
15. Sunday roasts - lunchtime or evening meal?
    whatever. I could eat roast beast anytime, extraordinarily happily. I LOVE roast!
16. What has been your best blogging-related experience so far?
    loving someone that I met here. I'll never know anything better.

[you know where I got it - and before that, it was here; title quotation is from "Could It Be" by The Spinners]

i wish i could offer an appeal

    Just sitting here sort of smiling and shaking my head a little, thinking about how I'd have laughed if you'd told me a year ago - or even a couple of months ago - that I'd be talking on the phone once every couple of weeks, maybe more, with the Mumbler. I think I've called him one time. He's quite a character. I've never had a friend like him. I wonder what he would think if he found out that, when his call comes through, my phone flashes a photo of a large chocolate rabbit being enucleated?

    It's migraine time. From yesterday afternoon through, well, the present. I feel like I'm being punished for something terribly evil that I can't recall.

    Yesterday kind of sucked. I was supposed to have the day off, and was supposed to get to spend it with The Cat, playing at being ladies of leisure. Instead, we got our by now stereotypical winter storm event (seriously, WTF?!), she was stranded in the hinterlands (ha! my location is much closer to hinter than is hers), I was stuck in a freshly cleaned and suddenly terribly boring apartment...so I went to work. I put in a half-day so that I can take another half day off tomorrow or Thursday. I'll grab a book and get comfy with my number at the Secretary of State's office, waiting to transfer my title and plates for the car. Anyway, I'm not at all surprised that I didn't have any fun and ended up feeling like crap, considering how much I was looking forward to seeing & talking with my friend. Disappointment sucks.

    And now, the song that's rolling through my head on endless repeat. (The title quotation is from this, too.) "Belong" by Cary Brothers.

astronomy to the selfish becomes astrology

This was a MAJOR topic of conversation at work on Friday. One of the colleagues was incredibly worked up about it, practically in tears. I'm snickering at the thought of her & the Cat discussing it....

1. Under which traditional zodiac sign does your birthday fall?   Virgo
2. Go to this page and click on the appropriate symbol: what does it say about your zodiac symbol that you feel is most accurate?   The keywords are "Analytical, Observant, Helpful, Reliable, Precise." I've highlighted those that apply to me.
3. What trait does it describe that you think least describes your personality?   Virgo's weaknesses, according to that site, are being "Skeptical, Fussy, Inflexible, Cold, Interfering." I particularly disagree with three of those--and I only interfere when you're doing it wrong.
4. Now check out this schedule of zodiac signs from Time. What does this adjusted lineup claim that your sign should be?   Firmly Leo, right in the middle.
5. If your sign changed, what is most accurate about your “new” zodiac sign’s personality traits?
   Leo Strength Keywords: Confident, Ambitious, Generous, Loyal, Encouraging
   Leo Weakness Keywords: Pretentious, Domineering, Melodramatic, Stubborn, Vain
   Oh, damn--I am totally a Leo!
6. Assuming your zodiac sign did change, would you be more likely to claim to be whichever sign you felt was more accurate, or just stick with the traditional zodiac sign that has always been associated with your birth date?
   I've always considered myself "Virgo*" because I was born 2 weeks late, which means that my actual due date was within Leo. Now I can just have more fun with it.

[snatched from The Cat, of course, who got it here; title quotation by Ralph Waldo Emerson]

on an average day 7 minutes of news happens

• The good news: $106.34 from my various change-drop banks, deposited this morning (along with the proceeds from the sale of the former TV and a travel reimbursement). The total will pay for roughly half of the new TV.
• The bad news: my girl from the bank didn't know as much as she thought she did. The bank doesn't collect state taxes for the purchase of a vehicle in another state, nor do they handle the transfer of title and plates. (Oops, kind of big things to be confused about, eh?) Considering that I've waited 17 days for the title to arrive from WI (which seemed like f-o-r-e-v-e-r!) already, I've now wasted another 3+ days dealing with this, because the Secretary of State's office was closed today for the holiday and won't be open again until Tuesday. Having been there on a Tuesday once before (they're always closed on Mondays but it'll be worse because of today) - I'll go in on Wednesday, maybe Thursday. At like 2:30. And still expect to sit for a good long time.
• The new news (albeit somewhat less thrillingly presented than it could have been): I have a new TV, the Vizio 37" Class 1080p 60Hz LED LCD HDTV (M370 NV). What that means in normal-people language is that it has a viewable area that is ten inches larger than the older one, but is roughly fourteen inches narrower. It has a zillion fancy settings, including four aspect ratios, which is sort of hilarious. The Mumbler was getting it set up (I recruited him to help move it in, and he ended up actually volunteering to accompany me to the store to pick it up, which added a new and oddly welcome domestic twist to our friendship, since there's really nothing like a retail outing to help you see a side to someone that can only come out that way) and trying to get all the elements just right. He kept flipping between widescreen and panoramic, but he was on whatever channel Wheel of Fortune is on, so Pat & Vanna's faces kept widening and broadening.... It was surreal and I couldn't take it seriously. The best part of the TV-buying experience? I'd picked out a 32" that I quite liked. I did the research on the Consumer Reports and CNet websites. I'd resigned myself to paying more - roughly $6xx - for LED, knowing that the price difference would resolve itself in decreased energy costs over the life of the machine. However, when Mumbler & I started searching for a place to buy it (trying to avoid having it shipped and blowing my budget completely) he found that a local retailer had the 37" model - which I hadn't considered because the prices were out of my range - for a remarkable deal. We backtracked and did more research, discovering that it was just as good, if not better, quality than the 32" that I'd originally chosen, and their price was $4xx. W00t! I went to the store armed with that information, and was even more pleased to discover once I got there that the local store had an even better deal, $4xx. That, combined with my willingness to accept their "financing" (an added 5% discount), brought the overall cost to $4xx. Considering that I was able to fit it in my car, drive it home, Mumbler carried it upstairs without breaking a sweat or injuring himself (or it) in any way, and he set it up completely in less than 15 minutes, I was totally happy with the purchase. Now I just need to acquire some cables...and an extraordinarily complicated VHS player...and a region-free Blu-Ray player...and TiVo....
• The old news: my apartment is an unbelievable mess. There is hope, though--the Cat is coming over for, well, I don't know what excuse we're giving, but she'll be here on Monday, so the apartment will be clean before then. God knows how. I can guarantee that all piles of books (potential toe-breakers) will be off the floor before she arrives. That alone will take a while.
• Wow, the really new news: Heidi is engaged.

[title quotation by Jon Stewart]

it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all

1. Where were you 3 hours ago? curled up on the couch with a book in my lap: Cheating at Canasta by William Trevor
2. Who are you in love with? "with" implies that someone else is there, too. That does not appear to be the case. Correct answer, then: no one.
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon? gnawed, maybe, but I doubt that I ate the whole thing
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? [why is it always "pink"?] Oh, this is a good one--my Victoria's Secret "perfect fit" card
5. When is the last time you went to the mall? no clue. Cat, was that around Homecoming-ish?
6. Are you wearing socks right now? yep
7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000? Hell yeah
8. When was the last time you drove out of town? NYE weekend
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days? not hardly. I did watch two this weekend, though--I hated, loathed, and detested (500) Days of Summer, but the viewing experience was completely redeemed (as I thought it would be) by Fay Grim, the sequel to Henry Fool
10. Are you hot? not temperature-wise, right now. If I am in the other sense, it's not in the obvious manner, but more the sort that sneaks up on you
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? water
12. What are you wearing right now? a couple of layers of PJs. My apartment is blustery.
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it? if I had a place to do it, I'd wash it by hand every weekend. For now, I car-wash it frequently and take it to the hand-washer as often as I feel flush.
14. Last food that you ate? the end of my Christmas cookie stash. They were surprisingly un-stale (and delicious).
15. Where were you last week at this time? probably roughly the same spot? *sigh*
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? wow - I have! A couple of pairs of corduroy pants to replace the one pair whose button broke (and was a mile too large anyway).
17. When is the last time you ran? I make a lame attempt to trot across the street when cars approach. Other than that...it's been a while..
18. What's the last sporting event you watched? Apart from the curling movie (seriously, I'm just going to keep pounding this until you see it, so you might as well give in), it was probably football.
19. What is your favorite animal? there's a certain guinea pig who's captured my heart (aww)
20. Your dream vacation? warm. quiet. long.
21. Last person's house you were in? Cat-Beast's
22. Worst injury you've ever had? broke a couple of bones (3, actually), dislocated and tore some stuff, sprained nearly everything there is to sprain, infected...everything - but the worst was probably the overdose
23. Have you been in love? yes
24. Do you miss anyone right now? yes, for all the good it does. Why am I always the one who's remembering, and not the one being remembered (by the right person, needless to say)?
25. Last play you saw? Mary Poppins at the Cadillac Palace. It's been too long; I love theatre.
26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? drama
27. What are your plans for tonight? sleeeeeeep
28. Who is the last person you sent a Facebook message or comment? message: the Mumbler. Comment: the Cat
29. Next trip you are going to take? probably north. Again. Because I have no imagination, and even less money.
30. Ever go to camp? there was just this one time? When I was at band camp?
31. Were you an honor roll student in school? not one of the exciting ones
32. What do you want to know about the future? only how long it lasts, so I know if there's any point in working hard for retirement
33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne? um, no
34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit? yeah, pretty much like every year
35. Where is your best friend? AK, the home state, and two in the Flat
    
36. How is your best friend? gamely making the best of it; fine; getting better; and doing what she can to prop me up
37. Do you have a tan? *snort*
38. What are you listening to right now? "Carve Your Heart" by Dashboard Confessional (the songs that I've used on mixes are shuffling in iTunes--and the title quotation is from this song)
39. Do you collect anything? yep.
40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know? I work with someone who is almost incapable of answering simple questions about herself because she's so accustomed to talking about other people. I don't....reveal...to her.
41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over? 5/24/09 at 1:29 PM
42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? no, I generally drink it from a cup, can, or bottle
43. What does your last text message say? (I'll let you choose which is incoming and which is outgoing)--
    
    ":D as a matter of fact i do... ;)"
    "Makes me want to put up a quote about skanky losers in response. She's bad enough - her friends are complete freaks."
44. Do you like hot sauce? hahahahahahaha
45. Last time you took a shower? about 14 hours ago
46. Do you need to do laundry? nope, but I do need to fold the clean laundry that's been piled on my bed for a couple of days
47. What is your heritage? I come from fjords + bad teeth
48. Are you someone's best friend? so they've told me, amazing as that sounds at the moment
49. Are you rich? Compared to whom? in friends, shotglasses, and memories - compared to those who consider themselves poor, eh?
50. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? reading or blogging, I think?

[shamelessly stolen from The Cat, of course, who got it here]

a good book has no ending

Tonight: half a Canadian bacon calzone (lunch leftovers) and The Pursuit of Alice Thrift by Elinor Lipman. It wasn't her best (The Inn at Lake Devine and The Dearly Departed are my favorites) but still funny and engrossing--there's nothing like a novel that pulls me in to the extent that I can't put it down until it's done. And there were strange parallels between it and a couple of other books that I read recently. It shared cultural references with Jimmy's Girl (Stephanie Gertler), and had, at times, the same sort of loping narrative flow that Tim Farrington's Monk books display beautifully.

    Tomorrow would be perfect timing for a snow day. Unfortunately, it's the only day this week we're not likely to get any snow at all. I should probably plan on going to work.

[title quotation by R.D. Cumming]

television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

The phase of Not Having a TV has been fascinating so far.

Yesterday was chock full of sleep--a super-long nap during the day and an extra-restful night.

Today was a reading day. Once home, I had a book in my lap and didn't move until I'd finished it. I'm really glad, too, because it turned out to be an absolutely amazing book: The Girl She Used to Be, by David Cristofano. I'd bought it during a trip to the home state last year sometime, but never got around to reading it. Finally picked it up today, and plowed through it. I laughed so hard that I got the hiccups at one point (but also roared through lots of the rest of it), and had to set it aside so I could all-out sob, too. I loved the characters, felt like I knew them, and now that the book is over, I miss them already.

After all that, what will day 3 of no television bring?

[title quotation by Homer Simpson]

you're an unfenced fire!

Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away
Any minute now keeping
Both poets and priests at bay

["Admiration" by Incubus]
Pretty often, it's best for me to shut up and listen, instead of trying to express something that cannot be conveyed.

long lost meaning to the story

• In 2010, I gained: insight
• I lost: sight of myself for a month or so
• I stopped: saying No to something I wanted
• I started: saying No to some people who needed to hear it, that I needed to say it to
  
• I was hugely satisfied by: friends
• And frustrated by: work
• I am so embarrassed that I: fell, again, for the nephew
• Once again, I: have resolved never to let it happen again....
• Once again, I did not: finish half of what I started simply for the sake of productivity
• The biggest physical difference between me last December (2009) and this December (2010) [was]: I had a sinus infection/bronchitis/etc. nearly the entire month this year
• The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is: last year I was deceived by hope; this year I saw futility
• I loved spending time: reading
• Why did I spend even two minutes: accumulating fake friends on Facebook?
• I should have spent more time: writing and taking pictures
• I regret buying: a couple of rounds in a couple of bars
• I will never regret buying: my new car
• I over-thought way too much.
• I didn't kiss enough.
• I drove my parents crazy.
• The most relaxing place I went was: a tie, between the Cat-Beast's and that stolen weekend at D&R's
• Why did I go to: work so often?
• The best thing I did for someone else was: meh. Anything I did for someone else had good enough reasons.
• The best thing I did for myself was: the toe tattoos
• The best thing someone did for me was: you know.
• The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better: well, I'd sort of like to kiss a lawyer in a bar and have him like it, but since that's not possible... I'll keep what I've got, thanks.

AND
10 Favorites

• Favorite Season: autumn
• Favorite Color: 330099
• Favorite Time: midnight
• Favorite Food: [the first word that came to mind was 'plankton'. WTF? Abraham, is that you?] Lately: garlic bread
• Favorite Drink: rum & lemonade
• Favorite Ice Cream: butter brickle
• Favorite Place: Miami
• Favorite Sport: to watch? curling. to play? tennis.
• Favorite Actor: Peter Outerbridge
• Favorite Actress: Natalie Portman

9 Currents

• Current Feeling: sleepy
• Current Drink: water
• Current Time: 23:09
• Current Show on TV: [off]
• Current Mobile used: Verizon
• Current Windows Open: one window, two tabs (Blogger & Facebook)
• Current Underwear: black bikini
• Current Clothes: black capris, navy knit blouse
• Current Thought: "don't think I'm gonna finish this before bed."

8 Firsts

• First Nickname: [a riff on my first name]
  
• First Kiss: Earl, behind the public library after an orchestra concert
• First Crush: Brad
• First Best Friend: Jennifer (she's a Facebook friend)
• First Vehicle I Drove: a shitty little hatchback, silver with maroon interior
• First Job: bakery clerk in a grocery store
• First Date: depends how you define "date"
• First Pet: there was a fat, mean cat who apparently got around, and an adorable puppy named after a condiment

7 Lasts

• Last Drink: still that same water
• Last Kiss: Toby. Wish I could have that one back.
• Last Meal: pure salt, judging by how much water I've guzzled since it ended. (For real: chunky tomato soup & tortillas.)
• Last Web Site Visited: besides the two I'm currently using? probably my work email
• Last Movie Watched: Men With Brooms, which I really, really liked
• Last Phone Call: the Mumbler - always a surprise when he calls, but a welcome one
• Last TV show Watched: some football on Sunday

6 Have You Ever…

• Have You Ever Broken the Law: yes
• Have You Ever Been Drunk: yes
• Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn’t Know: not exactly. We'd been acquainted, however briefly.
• Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire: sort of
• Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: sort of
• Have You Ever Broken Anyone’s Heart: yes

5 Things

• Things You Can Hear Right Now: fingers on keyboard; siren (internal, at the fire station); cars on the main drag outside; furnace kicking in...that's all there is
• Things On Your Bed: pillows, sheets, down comforter, knit throw, and pajama pants
• Things You Ate Today: Frosted Mini Wheats, PB&J, pretzel M&Ms, and the aforementioned meal
• Things You Can’t Live Without: friends, caffeine, hand lotion, something to write on, and something to write with
• Things You Do When You Are Bored: read, write, take pictures, watch TV, and sleep

4 Places You Have Been Today

• home, before work
• work
• Walgreens (picking up a prescription, vitamin C, and a gallon of milk)
• home after work

3 Things On Your Desk Right Now

• At home: 5 CDs; 4 shotglasses; and 2 necklaces
• At work: one large pile of confusing paperwork about "steampunk" v. "cyberpunk" v. "biopunk"; some massively outdated to-do lists; and a large pretzel M&M bag containing 4 M&Ms

2 Choices

• Salt or Pepper: salt
• Hot or Cold: right now (this is so rare) hot

1 Place You Want To Visit

• D.C. in April

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? bought a new car
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions? didn't make any last year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yup, on 12-29--I just met the little peanut today, in fact
4. Did anyone close to you die? no, thank God
5. What countries did you visit? just this one
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? light
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 8 January, and 27 December. Why? They're just both examples of some of the best of me.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? remaining employed
9. What was your biggest failure? no big failures
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I've seen worse
11. What was the best thing you bought? a new car
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? some friends'
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? some people at work, a few public figures, and a couple of people I know very well
14. Where did most of your money go? bills, of course--that's why they call me a grown-up
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 8 January
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? any of a dozen by Alkaline Trio, or "Made of Gold" by Jonatha Brooke - or "Bend and Not Break" by Dashboard Confessional...I am fairly agile--
    I can bend and not break,
    Or I can break and take it with a smile.
    And I am so resilient,
    I recover quickly--
    I'll convince you soon that I am fine.
    
    Try to understand, there's an old mistake that fools will make
    And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away
    Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend I will not break)
    Won't you hold me now? (For you I rise, for you I fall)
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    1. happier or sadder? these are meaningless words. A year ago I was just a couple of days from thinking I was facing my heart's desire; now I know I sat across from him (whether or not he was, in fact, that) and it didn't matter enough...maybe to either of us. Was I happy then? Am I sad now? Not exactly.
    2. thinner or fatter? earlier tonight I managed to yank on a pair of jeans that I'd bought in high school. It wasn't pleasant (I wouldn't want to wear them for hours) but I was impressed.
    3. richer or poorer? both, kind of?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? sleeping. kissing. drinking.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? indiscriminate whining. chasing. waiting.
20. How did you spend Christmas? freezing my ass off at my parents', and texting with Ulysses.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010? I loved. Is that enough?
22. How many one-night stands? sort of two, sort of none. Depends, y'know, on your definition. (Why hello, Mr. Clinton.)
23. What was your favorite TV program? NCIS, Criminal Minds, and re-run ReGenesis
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? just Megan ("the keeper")
25. What was the best book you read? Finny, by Justin Kramon, which was the best new novel I've read in years, and one of the best I've ever read, period.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? of 2010? God only knows. I don't exactly time- and date-stamp my musical finds.
27. What did you want and get? a new car
28. What did you want and not get? the lawyer
29. What was your favorite film of this year? The Expendables. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I thought it was wonderfully entertaining.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I think I worked? And I was a handful of months younger than I am now.
31. What was one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? less of something or more of something at work
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? WTFE
33. What kept you sane? my friends. reading. writing. drinking very heavily - sometimes alone and sometimes with my friends. And regular massages.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Peter Outerbridge. I've never been able to fully explain it in a way that anyone understands, but he is absolutely perfect.
35. What political issue stirred you the most? None. Of. The. Above.
36. Who did you miss? y'know
37. Who was the best new person you met? the baby (today)
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten."
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I long for the one who is
    Fire amongst the dreamers
    

[from The Cat, who got it here and here]

not entirely bound by natural laws

He wonders why there are no tigers in the Bible.

He thinks someone should consider putting them in.

He can be the very soul of elation. Yet some days

he's too sad even to button his coat. An impetuous man,

not entirely bound by natural laws, he never gets enough

kissing or figures out what kind of animal he is.

An impoverished doctor or handsome drifter,

when he sees a woman carrying a sick child wrapped

in an old plaid coat into the emergency room

he rushes over to help her. No coward soul is his,

though he is given to copious groaning. He once

wrote a play called Eight People Who Are Really

Tired. The audience loved it. When he and his brother

were thirteen and fourteen, respectively, they took LSD

in a tree house their father had built. For seven hours

he watched his cells vibrate wildly in time with cells

in the tree's trunk and leaves. Now, thirty years later,

he's never entirely forgotten that feeling.

It's been raining for days. He seems content

to stand on the covered front porch, under the dripping

eaves, smoking and petting his adoring sheepdog.

Whenever it rains like this, he remembers the one offense

his dad spanked him for when he was a kid.

He knows he deserved it. He sits down on the welcome

mat, taps off his ash, and kisses the dog's furry head.

She wiggles her hindquarters and licks the knee of his jeans.

In gleaming moments like these, forming and falling

like raindrops, I'd give anything to be one of them,

either that man or his dog. Instead, not knowing

which end is up, or what saints to pray to,

I find myself hopelessly in love with them both.

[Amy Gerstler, 'He', in Dearest Creature]

it's a khaki people-eater

Seven years since this space was launched. 1723 posts. 76,198 visits; 104,094 page views (since stats have been kept). x guys I've dated regularly reading...that I know about. (Hi, guys! If you were in a room together I'd have a panic attack, at least.) 257 template redesigns. 3 different comment providers (so far). Sometimes this seems like the most petty self-indulgence, and other times it seems absolutely vital to my mental health and the maintenance of my most important friendships. Thanks for staying along for the ride.

 

    Christmas was...Christmas. Pretty dull, really, at least from the family standpoint. I stayed 5 days in the inordinately snowy hometown, wearing extra sweaters because my parents still like their house at deep-freeze levels. Most of the trip was spent shopping for my new car, which was actually acquired on the Monday after Christmas (a week ago tomorrow). I traded the '02 Civic LX (black, 5-speed) for an '11 Civic LX ("polished metal metallic" [a.k.a. dark gray], automatic), plus a few grand in payments. It's my first real new car (the former spouse bought the last one without much input on my part) and both very cool and terrifying. It had 6 miles on it when I drove it home. !

    New Years was a combination of delightfully mellow (I was a new, low-key version of plastered on Friday night) and stressful. The Cat-Beasts opened their home to me for the weekend. I drove up Friday after work. The Beast is a heavy-handed pourer; he wouldn't make himself any money if he worked his own bar. Saturday started out a quiet morning, until the rest of the family arrived--some Cats and some Beasts--and things just became a little more complicated.

    No, the nephew was not present.

    This brings to mind my resolutions for 2011. Yes, I am usually reluctant to the point of belligerent regarding the making of resolutions, but this year I was both too intoxicated and frustrated to refrain. Therefore, I resolve that as of this year...

"no fraternizing with lawyers; more sleep; avoid nephews, games, and potholes."

(As posted to my Facebook at 11:48 Friday night.) What does it mean? Last year's New Years' kiss (albeit slightly delayed)--and lots of other angst--was with/about/over a lawyer; sleep helps with everything; there's nothing good for me in the nephew; games (I mean mind games, not table tennis or cards) wind me up; and potholes, literally and metaphorically, cause damage that it can take years to work out.

    Some of my friends might be surprised to realize that theirs are the games that I plan to avoid.

    I read a couple of books this weekend. Tim Farrington's The Monk Upstairs (the sequel to The Monk Downstairs, obviously enough) is a novel about a graphic designer married to a former monk. Absolutely filled with dying, confusion, and dysfunction, it is both lyrically written and enormously depressing. I can't say I would recommend it to anyone who hasn't read and loved its predecessor. The second book, Here Beneath Low-Flying Planes by Merrill Feitell, is a collection of short stories that I have re-read several times and appreciated more and more each time. The book won the Iowa Short Fiction Award in 2004. The standout selections that resonate particularly strongly for me are "The Marrying Kind", in which a pregnant woman attends the wedding of her former lover, and the title story, "Here Beneath Low-Flying Planes", about a woman who is dating a younger relative of her best friend.

    Last night, I dreamed that I was visiting the Cat-Beasts. The difference was that they were also hosting The Cat's two nephews (the regular Thanksgiving guests) as well as her niece and niece's husband, who were over for New Years'. Because the house was extra full, the nephews were in the guest room in which I typically sleep, and I was in the basement on the blue couch. In the dream, I was asleep on the couch--facing the back of the couch, curled into a ball with my face half-covered--when I felt someone grasp my shoulder and give a little shake. I opened my mouth to yell, but before I could make a noise, a hand covered my mouth. That freaked me out even more, so I took another breath and yelled again, while trying to bite the hand over my mouth. Once I calmed down, though (after the person managed to whisper something that I could understand), I realized that it was The Enigmatic Nephew. He was dressed in a standard set of little-boy flannel pajamas (much like the ones at left, only sans feet) (no, that is NOT him in the photo), buttoned all the way up to the top, and his hair (hey, he had hair!) was tousled. I was suddenly glad to be wearing my own concession to sleeping in someone else's house: a long-sleeved t-shirt and flannel PJ pants. I asked him, rather urgently, what the Hell he wanted, waking me up in the middle of the night.

Hot Nephew: "I'm bored."

Me: "Go to sleep!"

N: "Can't sleep."

Me: "???"

N: "Go for a run with me."

Now, this makes absolutely no sense, given that the two of us could hardly be less energetic at the best of times, not to mention the utter absurdity of running in someone else's neighborhood in the middle of the night. And then there's the idea of the two of us doing anything at all together. Alone.

Me: "Are you insane? I'm not going to run with you. I'm asleep!"

N: "No, you're not. We're talking. At least come out for a walk or something. I'm clearly not going to let you get back to sleep if you don't humor me."

    Clearly.

    So we pulled on our heavy coats over our PJs, put on running shoes (which makes zero sense, too, as an item we might pack for that stay), and slipped out the door.

    We walked through the neighborhood until the sun started to show. Our faces were flushed pink and our noses were running a little. Neither of us spoke at all.