curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will

1. Share one thing that you learned recently.
   The word "architect" is being used as a verb in some sectors. Isn't that horrible?
   
2. Share a quote that applies to your life right now, one that is helpful, or that is stuck in your head for some reason, or one that motivates you.
   “There is a prayer that is simply seeing through yourself, seeing your own nothingness, the emptiness impervious to self-assertion. A prayer that is the end of the rope. A helplessness, fathomless and terrifying. No matter how holy or well meaning you were when you started out, no matter how many fine experiences you had along the way, by the time you reach the point of this prayer, you want only to get out of it.
   “And God? God is that which will not let you out of it.”
   [Tim Farrington, in The Monk Downstairs]
3. What is your favorite card game?
   cribbage
4. Show and Tell. What comes to mind first when you see this picture? Or, tell a story if it reminds you of one.
   That photo reminds me of two things, one concrete and one abstract. The concrete is probably less interesting (it reminds me of my bff's powder room). In the abstract, it makes me think of the sort of nervous that I get when spending time with someone who keeps me on my toes. The urge to take a moment, splash a little water on my face, and have one of those silent mental conversations. To chill.

[from The Cat, who reached far to get it here; title quotation by James Stephens, from The Crock of Gold]

bread feeds the body, indeed, but flowers feed also the soul

Looking through some old photographs, I found these pictures that I took of the flowers in my backyard, in the days when I had a house. Purple petunia:
Peruvian daffodils (yes, they came from Peru):

[title quotation from the Qur'an]

take my word for it

    Anthony Bourdain (can I write anything without including his name? Nah.) has published four major works of fiction: Gone Bamboo, Bone in the Throat, The Bobby Gold Stories, and Typhoid Mary: An Urban Historical. I read The Bobby Gold Stories last weekend, and loved it (review posted here). The best thing about the book is the way it played out in my mind like a movie. I do not mean that it was written with obvious intent to be turned into a film; that sort of heavy-handedness turns me off, because I read to be entertained in my own mind and not through the eye (does that difference make sense?). The Bobby Gold Stories is not like one of those written-for-screen treatments, though. It is just so evocative, the characters so genuine (especially Bobby Gold himself, who I can see clearly in my mind as a moody, philosophical cross between Bourdain [are you surprised? It's a serious crush!] and the lanky, younger version of Vincent D'Onofrio [from the Mystic Pizza era]), the action so compelling, the drama so authentic--I was disappointed when the book was finished. As much as I love his nonfiction, Bourdain's novels are the shit.

    And a few weeks ago I read something that has really stuck with me: Finny, by Justin Kramon. It's the best new book I've read in years. The moment that I turned the last page, I immediately wanted to go to every bookstore I could find and buy up all the copies they had, due to two competing urges: to (yes, irrationally) horde them for myself, because I liked this book so much that I don't want to share it with anyone, but also so that I could push a copy into the hands of every book lover I know, so that they would have to read it and see what a fantastic, different, wonderful, fresh, exciting book this is. I loved it. Why? I'm not certain that I can explain it, and that is part of the beauty of it: it's just good! The characters are real, mostly good and likable but also flawed and nuanced, the sort of people that you can imagine knowing and spending time with, becoming friends and falling for. The action is almost impossible to place chronologically, giving it a timelessness that I've never experienced in fiction before. The entire book felt...light, not in the sense of 'insubstantial' but intricate, pristine, and new. Now I'm just laughing, because there is no better way to describe Finny than this: it is novel. Justin Kramon wrote a great first book. I cannot wait to see what else he can do.

so far from what I want for you but I'll lock it down and we'll make do

• Does your head hurt when you cry? it has. I don't usually cry that hard.
• Who was the last person to comfort you? Fluffy
• Are you currently wearing any socks? yes, and my feet are roasting. Thanks for the reminder to take them off!
• What's the closest thing to your right hand? mouse, then phone
• When was the last time you made a wish? I suppose that's what opening birthday presents is all about, right?
• Have you ever watched a foreign film with English subtitles? yep. No clue what the last one was.
• When was the last time you wore athletic shorts? a couple of weeks ago. Don't worry: I wasn't actually doing anything athletic.
• Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place? no
• What's the closest transparent object to you? a jewel case, in which is housed disc 1 of the Bad Handwriting Mix
• What was the last thing you swallowed? a cashew
• Do you like mayonnaise? Did I even spell that right? no, and yes
• Anyways... When was the last time you went out in the rain? sometime this week. It's been raining off and on for days.
• Have you ever seen a Tim Burton movie, like Coraline, 9, etc.? I was a little surprised to discover that I've seen only two: Batman & Batman Returns
• Do you keep 3D glasses after you've left the movie theatre? 3D movies make me want to hurl--so, no. I would not.
• When was the last time you heard a British accent in person? maybe grad school.
• Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you? a flighty friend, to whom I am a better friend than they have ever been to me.
• Do you know what FTW stands for? yeah--thanks to Sleek
• When was the last time you went bowling? must've been that time in Canada, eh Cat?
• Do you like cats? I so do.
• Do you use aerosol hairspray? I use the equivalent of aerosol hairspray, for all the good it does on my impossibly fine hair.
• What was the last food you choked on? probably cereal. Like sloshing tea on myself, I've really got to learn to wake up before I start to eat.
• Who was the last person you disappointed? parents.
• Do you really miss someone right now? yes, I really do.
• Do you think anyone can really reach "Nirvana" at some point? I know someone who does that so often, he's probably got a direct line. Not that I'm jealous or anything.
• What's the capital of the state you reside in? the most generic city name in the USA
• What is the last advice you gave someone? "never take advice from anyone"
• Do you ever dip your fingers in wet candle wax? I have.
• When was the last time you sweat really bad? um...that's need-to-know
• Do you write it, alot or a lot? "a lot", since that's the only grammatically correct way to write it
• Does it annoy you when people are always smiling and happy all the time? very much so. Y'all know who you are--grrr!
• What was the last rule you broke? there are so many. Speeding seems a safe bet.
• Have you ever hazed someone or been hazed? I think that the first year of law school is all about hazing. Can't see any other use for Torts.
• What is your opinion on abortion? though a great deal has changed inside my own mind about it, my political philosophy remains: I don't want or "deserve" the right or responsibility to make that decision for anyone else.
• Miley Cyrus rings your door bell, and asks for some shelter. You say..? "fuck off"--but only to the air, 'cause I'm not answering the door
• What would you say if someone called you at 3 am to have a casual convo? "I've missed you!"
• Have you ever made a SERIOUS typo, and couldn't go back and change it? no, but this question makes me grin. Poor Muffy St. Catherine and her 1L paper about a Public Law....
• Have you ever yelled at an authority figure? oh hell yeah. Not for a few weeks, though.
• When was the last time you had to pee really badly? I'm sure it was on a trip home from the north
  
• What was the last thing you regretted eating? half a hectare of nachos at the bar on Monday
• Have you ever met anyone famous? yes, and both of them were perfectly lovely people
• Do you like screamo music? not. even.
• Do you know anyone with some serious talent? *rofl*
  Ahem.
  Yes, I do.
• When was the last time you made fun of someone? oh, jeez. 3 1/2 hours or so, I suppose?
• What was the last thing you yelled? not sure--I'm not much of a yell-er
• Will you save all your answers? It's no fun if you don't :] ? this is a blog. by nature...?
• What did your last text message say? Sent: "Hmm. My couch? ..."
  Received: "Hmm. What do u think?"
• Who was it from? ten guesses
• What are you listening to? "Off the Map" by Alkaline Trio: "I'm like a junkie for your smart mouth..."
  
• What's your favorite day of the week? Why? Thursday. Why? I like pizza.
• Who did you last talk to? Mom & Dad
• Are you good at hiding your feelings? um, no.
• What's the closest pink object to you? a rubber duck wearing a black feather boa

[from The Cat, who got it here]

'tis strange what a man may do, and a woman yet think him an angel

1. To whom did you last give the finger? it wasn't exactly the finger, but I did share a gesture of "what the fuck?!" with another driver today on my return commute, in response to her choice to take over the intersection at ~15 mph facing a yellow light, and, in so doing, leaving not only me but another driver behind me exposed to the red light, turning. Yellow--the color that the light had turned before she entered the intersection--means "stop", not "creep through at a snail's pace."
2. If you had 1,000 dollars and HAD to spend it, what would you buy? All but a few accessories in the camera kit that I want. If I couldn't go over $1k, I would buy books and clothes. I have a sudden urge for boots.
3. What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? tea. It happens probably once every couple of weeks. That's the danger of waking as early as I do.
4. When was the last photograph you took? What was it of? on Monday evening, I took a picture of an infant garment at Target, in order to ask one of my friends WTF it was. (The mom-to-be with whom I was shopping could not identify it either, so don't think I'm the only weird one.)
5. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? no clue. It doesn't happen very often.
6. What animal did you last pet or hold? baby kitten!
7. What was the last superstitious thing you did? grabbed a screw. Gotta get 'em when you can.
8. What was the last text message you received? "errrr.... i have alot to tell ya!"
9. Berleen has decided to buy twelve goats. If she trades three for some awesome pot, loses one while she was stoned, what do you think she did with the rest? gyros for everyone!
10. What was the last musical instrument played in your presence? piano, by the PNut
11. What was the last note that you wrote on your hand? it was probably a phone number. I'm not a big hand-writer, and the only reason I can think of to do it is if it was absolutely necessary.
12. Kimber announced that she was born on another planet. Which one do you think it was and why? I haven't the faintest idea, since I'm not acquainted with Kimber. One of my peeps told me today that she really, really wants to fly, though, so if she were from another planet it would either be Pluto (with a relative gravity of .067)--though I realize that it has been un-planet-ized--or Mercury (relative gravity of .378). Mars has a lower relative gravity than does Mercury, but I refuse to believe that Farmer E is from Mars.
13. What are you wearing as you answer these ridiculously stupid TT questions? black cami & blue PJ pants. I look like a bruise, and the mere thought makes me smile.

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation by William Makepeace Thackeray, from The History of Henry Esmond]

not what you might think

My face hurts. I think it's a combination of the migraine that's been brewing for the past couple of days, straying into my neck, shoulders and back, and also a fun new habit I've picked up: clenching my jaw. Since I always notice it when something else is going wrong, my theory is that it's entirely stress-based. I'm literally tensing for confrontation, of whatever sort. Once this weekend is in the past, there's a better chance that I'll have worked my way past it. Until then, it looks like Terminator jaw for me.

I'm the player to be named later.

1. How vain are you about how you look? on what sort of scale? I try to maintain a certain degree of cleanliness and situational appropriateness at all times, but that's due more to the distressing habit of some friends to just stop by on a whim, and not so much because I'm really feeling it.
2. When you were little what was your favorite TV show? Bugs Bunny
3. If someone was going to make a movie or TV show about your life, who would play you and why? Drew Barrymore is a given at this point. We are, allegedly, twins.
4. Who is your favorite Major League Baseball team? How about your favorite player? meh. I am marginally a Cubs fan, even more marginally a Twins fan (don't tell the folks at home). I like Joe Mauer, and I've always thought that Augie Ojeda was adorable. All time, though? Gary Gaetti. I'm a sucker for an invaluable utility man.
5. What is your favorite baseball-related movie? I love sports movies--just another way that I am, as Nick would have put it, "a guy's girl." Subject to change: Bull Durham.
6. What is one lesson you have learned in the past year? There is something about me that is mystically, hypnotically mesmerizing to people that I could very easily fall in love with, but just not in the way that makes them fall in love with me.
7. Tell us about one of your childhood memories. When I was 8 or 9, I was allowed to stay home alone on New Years' Eve when my parents, brother and sister all had plans. Though I was by myself fairly often, it was only for much shorter periods of time--so this was a big deal. I promptly turned it into a complete disaster. After turning on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve (my NYE entertainment of choice) and pulling out my snack stash of Nacho Cheese Doritos and Dr. Pepper (the combination of which sounds terrifically vile at the moment), I sat on the couch to lace on my roller skates. For no good reason that I can possibly give, I decided that I should break pretty much every cardinal rule that existed in the household, the primary of which was to never, ever skate in the house. Music playing, I skated in circles for a while, swigging Dr. P and smooshing nacho cheese into the carpet with abandon. At some point, I decided that the music was entirely too quiet. I skated to the TV (yes, this was in the archaic pre-remote days) and cranked up the volume (still to a degree that would be barely audible to most 9-y-o's today), and then skated backward to the couch for more snacking. I lowered myself onto the couch...and missed. My skates flew out from under me and my tailbone bounced off the wooden edge of the couch, below and in front of the cushion, bearing the entirety of my body weight. Thank God I was abnormally small or I'd have probably jammed the thing straight up and out my mouth. As it was, I immediately flopped onto my stomach, in complete agony. I've never removed anything from my feet so fast as I did those skates. When I could finally breathe (I'd knocked the wind from myself), I slowly and carefully put the skates away, cleaned up the Dorito mess, turned the TV down and off, brushed my teeth and went to bed...at around 8:00 PM. I couldn't sit, lie down, or stand comfortably for months after that. Talk about learning a lesson the hard way: that's why I wasn't supposed to roller skate in the house!
8. How do you handle sticky situations? Do you have a method? If so, what is it? depends on the situation. I am less diplomatic with every passing moment, though I can pretend to be a grownup when I really have to be. In general, I probably just try to fade into the woodwork. Safest for all, that way.
9. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I'm sure that they do. Life's too short to get too bent about it, though.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

in and out and in my head

Deep thoughts running through my brain, on waves of 54-40. Not a bad way to have it.

through it

    "Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone." [Octavio Paz, The Labyrinth of Solitude]
    Thanks to the Cat-Beasts for comfort and welcome beyond the call of duty. It is a relief and a blessing to have somewhere that feels like home, only better.
    Still, good to be home. Needed to work some things out, and I could only do it here (without comfort and shoulders upon which to lean).
    "Darkness within darkness. The gateway to all understanding." [Tao Te Ching]

i've seen this room and i've walked this floor

• Were your last three kisses from the same person? no
• Are you a jealous person? depends on the connotation. I rather firmly believe that there is a relevant sociological and psychological drive to be the primary interest of one's primary interest.
• Done anything illegal in the past month? just a few moments ago. I'm VERY fervently praying that it comes to nothing.
• Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? no
• Would you consider adoption? I have, but not in the way that you might think. (Wouldn't Ulysses Poseidon Socrates be surprised to know what I'd planned?)
• Do you like Redbull? never tried it. It sounds pretty revolting--and like something I'd be hooked on in seconds if I didn't hate it.
• Would you rather date a person with a British accent or an Irish accent? ummm...whatever. Accents are immaterial to a person's perceived "value" to me. The one person I could've listened to nonstop forever was a complete waste of breath, but his voice was, oh my God, delicious. Like aural sex. So there's no accounting for taste, eh?
• Think back five months ago, were you single? more or less, sure.
• Is it easy to make you smile? if you know the combination, it's simple.
• Do you have a bad habit? not a one
• Where do you wish you were right now? in bed
• Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see/hear it? "Hallelujah" (whether by Jeff Buckley or any of the others) always makes me think of Heidi.
• Who is the last person you spent money on? Mumbler & me--we ordered an insanely good pizza for dinner. I mean, ridiculous.
• Would you date someone taller than you? prehaps
• If you could choose between a million dollars or being able to fly, you would choose? money, please
• What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days? Cat-Beast's. Relaxing.
• Have you ever gone a whole day without eating? last year on the day after my birthday comes to mind....
• Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? indeed. Memorably.
• Where did you get the shirt you're wearing right now? J.Jill
• Do you like meeting new people? not really. The "tiny weasels" from Dilbert comes to mind.
• Ever kissed someone who smokes? yes, but I'm easing toward the happy place where I will forget
• What's something you really want right now? money
• Do you sometimes use your music player to help you fall asleep? no
• Was New Year's enjoyable? "enjoyable" is a stretch
• What time did you go to sleep last night? early. 11:30 or so.
• Do you believe exes can be just friends? it depends on your definition of the word "just"
• Do you hate anyone? just started reading an article on the psychoanalytic underpinnings of this. I'll have to let you know when I'm through with it.
• Has anyone upset you in the last week? ya think?
• Do you think best friends can be replaced? never. Finest kind.
• Are you starting to realize anything? at this moment, I'm drunk enough that focusing on the clock across the room is a physical challenge. "Starting to realize" is kind of a joke. I know something today that I hadn't known yesterday, but I'll be damned if I'll say anything about it now.
• When was the last time you cleaned your room? when I left my parents' house at age 18
• What do you always take with you? keys
• What is the last thing you used your own money for? Canadian bacon, green olive & fresh tomato pizza
• Do you have a reason to smile right now? yup, but not nearly as much as I'd like
• What time did you wake up this morning? 8:15 or so
• Where were you at 12:20 pm? probably at my desk slogging through a heap of work and listening to someone across the room make "snert" sounds every few seconds
• Do people think you're older/younger than you actually are? yep
• If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? it really, really, really depends; I am absolutely not interested in fielding inquiries from amateurs.
• Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you? yes
• What are you listening to? "Sick of Seattle" by the Smithereens
• How many people are you txting? my phone is already on its asbestos mat for the night
• Do you miss anyone right now? yup, thanks for the reminder
• Have any interesting conversations lately? tonight's took the cake for a while. Cleared out my sinuses.
• Have you held hands with anybody in the past two weeks? not even in dreams
• Are you trying to avoid liking/loving somebody at the moment? no. If anything, I'm trying to avoid being liked or loved by somebody.
• If your friends warn you about someone, do you listen? well, yeah. Of course. There's no ruling the heart and all that, but, yes. I trust my friends' perceptions.
• Has someone recently told you something you didn't want to hear? oh yeah. "Now, I've got things to do
  And I've said before that I know you have too"
• Who did you last pinkie promise with? this was not "the done thing" where I come from. If anything, it would be called "pinkie swear." Be that as it may, I'm sure it was Farmer E.
• Why are you at home right now? that is a funny question, and I'm not quite drunk enough to answer honestly
• How are you feeling right now? very damn mellow
• Do you believe in perfect? as a philosophical construct, yes
• What is the first thing you thought this morning? "need. more. sleep."
• Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? almost
• Who were the last people you saw in person? Mumbler
• If you were getting married tomorrow, do you know who'd be your maid of honor? I am certain that someone would serve as a witness on my behalf. Beyond that, there are much larger questions.
• Do you think that you’re a good person? depends on the criteria
• Do you give up easily? sometimes. On average: no.
• Where do you go when you want to be alone? away.

[from The Cat, who was grumpy, and got it here]

navigated past the point of logical thinking

    Hell of a day, in a week that I'll be eager to put behind me. I woke this morning at 8:10. That's not an unworkable time to crack an eye, even considering that it left only 20 minutes to accomplish everything and get myself to the usual destination. This morning, it was not to be. I only sat back for a moment to consider what to wear.... I woke for real (and a "fuuuck") at 8:27. Still, was in my desk at 8:54. They should start giving me an award for this, right? Right. I know.
    I haven't slept well for days. Maybe a week. Too many dreams of being hunted like an animal, breaking limbs and being shot at, scrambling to find the safest spot in my apt. to hide out while I wait for armed backup (and from a sleepy-eyed sharpshooter? WTF?). I feel like I've been through a battle.
    On the top of a heap of problems that need fixing: I need a lot of money, fast. I'm literally sorting my possessions (mentally, at the moment) to determine what I can unload in a hurry, and at minimum loss. It's a surreal, pathetic, scary way to look at life. And a lot of people have advice, but so far no one's come up with any actual help. I'm already full up with advice.
    The rest of it--the other problems, the guilt and pressure and friendly or not-so-friendly suggestions--is just weighing on me, and today it broke. By about noon, my head was pounding. It was the first full migraine I've had in a month or so. In an amazing coincidence, I was scheduled to leave work early, so I had a couple of hours to relax during which I would typically build up more stress. And I'm also exhausted, so that helps. A nice, deep, dreamless (and uninterrupted, please) sleep would be just the thing tonight. [Johnnie: as always, the preceding parenthetical does not apply to you.]
    One more thing, below, for The Cat. Do you think that it's the same one???

long weekend day 5 + the bday

chasing a butterfly (well, pretty lazily) in the park by the riverbutterflies need somewhere to landbutterfly closeupbirthday presents, all the way from Alaska!

nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul

1. What do you like about the summer? the season? The hot, the green, the rain. The wind. Hot fudge shakes from Ollie's. Baseball. Guys without shirts. Long, long weekends.
2. What do you like about spring? flowers, rain, and eggs
3. How many states provinces have you lived in? three
4. What cities/towns have you lived in? um...not
5. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? bare, please
6. Are you a social person? not. at. all.
7. What was the last thing you ate? pasta with marinara, and some squishy French bread
8. What is your favorite restaurant? depends. I would LOVE to go back to Hu Hot--hint, hint!
9. What is your favorite ice cream? homemade peach melba
10. What is your favorite dessert? apple crisp, or peach pie
11. What is your favorite kind of soup? chicken tortilla
12. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? low-sugar raspberry jam
13. Do you like Chinese food? yup.
14. Do you like coffee? not even a little
15. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? four, maybe six
16. What do you drink in the morning? Night Train. No, really: tea.
17. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you?
18. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? yes
19. Do you know how to play poker? yes, but I suck at it
20. Do you like to cuddle? no
21. Have you ever been to Canada? yes, and the bowling was spectacular!
22. Do you have an addictive personality? it's improving by the motherfucking day
23. Do you eat out or at home more often? at home. I almost never go out.
24. What do you miss about high school, if anything? the food
25. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? a Masters-winning golfer
26. Do you want kids? no
27. Do you speak any other languages? un poquito
28. Have you ever gotten stitches? yes
29. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? apparently, though I don't remember the details
30. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? I'll take either one, but I would certainly take the ocean if I could choose
31. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? window
32. Do you know how to drive stick? I do it every day
33. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? books!

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation by Marcus Aurelius]

the shadows: some hide, others reveal

• Anybody have a puppy they need kicked, or see a child whose candy's just begging to be stolen? Today is apparently my day to ruin everything. I've stomped on the feelings of practically everyone I know, and not intentionally. If there is anyone I missed, please do feel free to contact me. It's only fair that I be allowed to bat 1.000 on the day.
• Easing our way back into football...it was a strange day on the field. The Bears played so badly (first and goal from the 1, and they couldn't convert on four attempts?! And you call yourselves an NFL team, for God's sake?!) and still managed to win--which says something for the "rejuvenated" Lions. (I will leave it to others to debate the officiating in that game, since I didn't see the final play. I do know that there was a lot of second-guessing going on, so it wouldn't surprise me at all if the officials did not have their stories straight.) I also watched Packers/Eagles (both teams looked shakier than I expected but the final result seemed right to me), Colts/Texans (a surprise), and part of Cowboys/Redskins (I want to care, but I just don't).
• The weather matched the rest of the day. Cold this morning when I got up (before 8:00! What the hell?!), still cool for most of the morning. The sun came out around noon, I think. Then it got windy and hot in a hurry, but I still had the windows open because it felt and smelled fresh and good outside. Around the end of the 1:00 games, I closed the blinds on the west side and eventually had to close the windows because the wind was getting too strong. Maybe 7:PM, the storm started. It was very windy (all the windows were straining, on both sides of the apt.) and there was a little rain but I couldn't tell what direction it was from. The worst of it was the lightning, which was almost constant for a long time. Well, that was the worst of it outside. Inside, once I closed the windows, the temperature made it up to 80° in about 15 minutes. I'm running the AC now. Blargh.
• In other news, I need to have a calm, serious discussion with the person who makes more important decisions than me at the place where I am employed. Given our track record, this could be problematic. I know what the answer will be; I just need that person to actually give the answer, so that it's not coming from me. Surely there is a way to do this that doesn't require so much bending and twisting--I just haven't quite determined what it is.
• Read any good books lately? I haven't. I returned four last week that I hadn't had a chance to crack, that I wasn't going to get to. I guess it's just not a reading time. Wednesday is a short day (haircut in the afternoon) and dinner with a friend on Thursday...or maybe tomorrow, as I've also got plans to see a play and if I do that on Thursday, then I can go to my weekend plans on Friday rather than Saturday.... Hmm. Well. Will have to see what's happening with the dinner person tomorrow.
• It's been a hell of a day, and not the best weekend on record. I've been awake for a very long time. My eyes are wide open and I don't think I could sleep if I had to. Can't wait to see what 3:PM Monday looks like.
• Some good things: I read a little (a book of poetry); finished some work that I brought home (review journals); wrote a bunch of letters (mostly postcards); took some pictures (will be posted soonish); polished my toenails ("Russian Navy"); washed, dried, and put away all the laundry except the two sweaters that are still slightly damp; cleaned some stuff out of the fridge that was going bad; changed the linens (always a nice thing, making me think I should do it every other day) (in case you need that clarified: no, I do not do that every day); and hauled out the trash and recycling. Maybe I'm tired enough to sleep after all.

[title quotation by Antonio Porchia, Voces, trans. by W.S. Merwin]

gifts are like the gold which adorns the temple...

1. How seriously do you take gift-wrapping when you give gifts? it's usually a part of the gift, meaning that I put a good deal of thought into how things are packaged, wrapped, and arranged--and especially, if there is more than one item, the order in which things are opened.
2. Do you save gift-wrapping to re-use later? never. This reminds me, in a funny/sad way, of my former spouse's family. His female relatives were militant about the reuse possibilities of gift wrap, and never failed to shudder at my "inability" to open gifts without ripping the paper into tiny, useless shreds.
   It's single-use stuff. Get used to it.
3. How picky are you when it comes to selecting wrapping paper? very. ! I will find a different store that carries what I want, if my first stop fails me. Heavy, opaque paper is key to the whole process, and I almost never get non-dotted patterns. Am I starting to sound a little too tightly-wound to anyone else...?
4. How much attention do you pay to the way gifts you receive are wrapped? not much at all. I mean, I will notice if the paper is taped to the gift itself (tape is annoying, so peeling it off of a gift is even more so), but beyond that, I'm really just all about the loot.
5. Among people you know, who is the most talented at wrapping gifts? Coworker T makes her own gift-y stuff, so I guess she could fall into this category. Coworker Footwear used the world's most awesome gift bag [see below] for my birthday this year. Fluffy is terrific with coordinating things and also a great wrapper (she and I seem to have the same wrapping sensibilities). However, I am a regular shopper at a a jewelry store in my hometown, and a couple of times a year I have them gift wrap for me. The precision and beauty with which they prepare those little packages is unsurpassed by mere mortals, and when I give those gifts I cringe in shame at the way my own wrapping looks by comparison. So: those Jewelers.

[from The Cat, who got it here; "...but grace is like the altar which sanctifies the gold." {William Burkitt, Expository Notes with Practical Observations on the New Testament}]

hope she's worth it

Terrific cover. And I could swear I've met this guy somewhere--"a Gypsy lawyer with the power to control minds" sounds so familiar!

what's missing

Gravity is screwed

up--nothing stays

when put down

like the class

outcast, or else

seems so heavy

it won't budge. Sit

in your room, not sent,

& wait for weightlessness

to overtake you.

Patience is almost

impossible. You've lost

something, something

dear, but won't look

for fear you'll find

what's missing. Wait

& like a nose it might

turn up. You hate

how your hands become

thumbs, your voice barking,

then breaking

a window. Wait.

[Kevin Young, 'Adolescence', in Dear Darkness]

the long weekend, day 3

I snuck out to spend the day with D, R & H. They took me along to see baby kitties. There are definitely far too few baby kitties in my life these days. R's cousin G owns them. I grew up filled with misconceptions about him, thanks to my space-ghost cousin J. I am always surprised and gratified to see that he is a lot more like R--who I absolutely adore--than I ever gave him credit for before. And these kittens are so cute!

K1 is a Maine Coon.K2 is a Calico.K3 is a Maine Coon with a white bib and feet.K1 and K3K1K2K1 & K3 are fighters. They both seem like spunky little dudes.The kid had a good time on the trampoline. I think she could have a good time anywhere; she's a marvel to me, very much a combination of her parents but also her own individual personality.After fuzzy fun kitten time, we drove up to Roch and went to Hu Hot! I'm not the queen of spicy food, but this place was freakin' fantastic, and I absolutely loved it. I would go back in a heartbeat, and in fact am trying to organize a roadtrip with the kids from work.[Does this mean they want you to have allergies?]

wanted to be one in a million; baby, isn't that wrong?

[List 8 friends, in any order]
Number 1: college BFF
Number 2: Farmer E
Number 3: Heidi
Number 4: Mumbler
Number 5: The Monkey
Number 6: Fluffy
Number 7: The Cat
Number 8: Sleek

We’ll start backwards.. tell me about 8 (Sleek)

• Is this person older or younger than you? younger, of course
• How long have you known him? 8 years? Maybe a little longer. (Damn!)
• Who is this person dating (if anyone)? he announced his engagement to his girlfriend B., yesterday
• How often do you talk to him on Facebook? we email occasionally just to chat, and always when there's exciting weather
• How often do you talk to him in person? rarely; we have a tendency to be somewhat volatile face to face, so we sort of avoid it
• Does he have any annoying habits? he can be arrogant, but probably no worse than I am
• Has he ever asked you out? Ha! Not exactly.
• What’s this person’s favorite band? no clue. FB says he's 'liked' Disturbed, so he's probably happy that they have a brand new album that just came out.
• Does he go to the same school as you? um, no, but we used to work together
• Do you ever write this person notes during class? I don't think we've ever hand-written anything. Lots of email has passed between us, and a few days' worth of text and phone calls, though.

How about number 7? (The Cat)

• Younger or older than you? older, I guess, but we're both adults so it doesn't seem that way
• Have any classes together? we have done some training together, yup
• Does she make you laugh? oh, definitely. Every time we're anywhere near, and a lot of the time when I just see things she's written. She's got a way with words.
• Why number 7 and not higher (or lower)? 7 is my favorite of those numbers.
• Do you have any pictures of this person? I have pictures of this Cat.
• When did you meet her? a bajillion years ago when I started attending meetings for our professional committee
• Have you ever been in a fight with her? we were "on the same side" of being irrationally hollered at by a colleague. Have we ever fought with each other? No. We seem to be pretty good at getting along, over time, and at taking short breaks when we need them.
• Does this person live close to you? 45 minutes or so
• Have you ever been to her house? several times. By several routes, now. I'm an old pro.
• Would you ever go clothes shopping with her? I would, and I do. For two who are not "ladies of leisure", we seem to have a pretty damned good time.

And 6... (Fluffy)

• How tall is this person? just a little bit shorter than me
• What kind of music does she listen to? she has a very broad taste. Though she's in a deep country phase right now, she's also been known to rock pretty hard and loud.
• How long have you known her? 12 years or so
• Do you ever talk to her outside of Facebook? just about every day. In fact, I very rarely talk to her on Facebook, because she has almost constant contact with me in a variety of easier/better ways.
• So, does she wear glasses or contacts? she wears glasses
• What’s something that only you two would understand? there are a million things running through my head right now, many of which are absolutely unrepeatable! Ummm...how about this: "Those jeans with the holes in them are potentially dangerous for everyone."
• Does she have a favorite animal? she's a cat person!
• Is she dating anyone? yes: her husband of many years
• Have you ever seen this person eat? sure. We've been friends for a long time, we work together, and I lived in her house for months.
• What does she like to do for entertainment? although she and her family are pretty big on movie-watching, and she likes music (as indicated above), there is very little that she loves more than a good book.

Number Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive. The Monkey

• Are you older or younger? we are precisely the same age.
• What’s your relationship with this person? wow. Um, we went to high school together. We're FB friends. And, yeah. We...have a bond.
• Is he taller or shorter than you? he's way taller, but most people are so it doesn't bother me
• What does his hair look like? "short"--and it's alleged to be jumping ship, rapidly
• What kind of music does he listen to? bah. He's been a music snob, but seems to be recovering.
• What’s his ringtone on his cell, if he has one? no clue. He strikes me as the Silent type.
• How long have you known him? half a lifetime
• When is his birthday? same as mine
  
• Ever gone trick-or-treating with him? uh, no. That would have been very fun, though.
• Does he have any siblings? yep: a sister and a brother (-ish)
  

Fab 4. (Mumbler)

• How close are you two? we're close. I trust him, and he's opened up to me in a way that is unusual.
• How long have you known him? almost 2 years
• Have you ever hit this person’s ass? I very rarely have the urge to answer one of these questions with a simple "LOL", but this is one of those times. In other words: No. I. Have. Not.
• Is he older or younger? younger, by too fooking much
• Favorite band? varies by the moment. He loves country (twangy shit is fine); he loves incomprehensible rap; he likes rock and some really crappy pop, too. If I had to guess a favorite, at the moment? Ryan Bingham.
• Any classes together? we were at the same table for the "staff day" festivities in April; that's the closest we've come
• Have any pets? he lives with a couple of dogs that he doesn't own
• Play an instrument? nope. His attention span is too short, I think, to bother.
• Do you love him? Could. Don't.
• Is he dating anyone? shockingly, no.

Numero Tres. (Heidi)

• How long have you known her? 5 years, almost exactly
• Are you older or younger? younger, naturally
• Ever been to her house? not the current one, in Alaska! But I stayed at her funky apartment in Norman (Oklahoma) for a couple of weeks a couple of years ago, one of the unforgettable experiences of my lifetime.
• Does she have any annoying siblings? she has an older sister I quite like, and a younger brother I've never met. Is she annoyed by them? Well, you'd have to ask her....
• What do you do together? see the next question!
• Have you ever passed notes with this person? the majority of our friendship has taken place while we've lived in separate states. We keep in touch almost entirely by mail. We go through spurts where we both write regularly. At other times, one will write and the other will just receive. Sometimes we're both out of phase and don't send anything. Occasionally we'll send packages, usually including at least one book and mix CD (which reminds me, she owes me a couple of playlists!) So, yeah: we pass notes.
• Have you ever gone out of the state with her? only in the sense of leaving this state to go to the one in which she lived. We'd briefly considered driving to Texas so I could get a tattoo while I was there (tattooing was not legal in Oklahoma at the time) but it ended up not fitting into our plans.
• Ever slept in the same bed? nope
• Do you talk to her a lot on Facebook? not "a lot" but, yeah, probably as often as I do anyone else. We leave haiku on each others' Walls now and then.

Now on to Number 2. (Farmer E)

• Are you best friends? we are really, really good friends. I can't imagine my life without her in it.
• How long have you known her? 8 years? I honestly don't know; I can't remember not knowing her, even though there have been disruptions in our working-together-ness.
• Ever bought her anything? oh yeah. We have a history of this sort of thing, highlighted by the chicken hatand my new "bacon" receptacle. (photo to come)
• Has she ever made you anything? she's made some ridiculously good food for me. She takes pity on me now and then (because I'm so disorganized) and provides lunch. Best lunch ever--absolutely no inducement for me to make my own lunch in the future!
• What’s her house like? I've only been there when there was a party going on, but from what I can tell, it's a comfortable sort of home where people (and dogs) are welcome to put their feet up, have a drink, and have some fun.
• Favorite band? something a little weird, a little wild, a little crazy, and inevitably coming in a box that folds out or is 3D or something else head-shakingly "Eeeeeee"
• Ever jumped on a trampoline with her? oh my God No. Talk about dangerous! My role, in a lot of ways, is to keep us out of jail and/or the emergency room.
• Do you have any classes with her? I don't think so. We'd get in trouble for sure; we giggle.
• Has she ever dyed her hair? I think maybe? But her hair is absolutely stunning--I mean, E. is absolutely stunning, and her hair is just one of the best parts--so it doesn't really matter what she does with it, it always looks great.
• What’s one of the dumbest things you’ve done with her? now that my last birthday is fading into unconsciousness for everyone (I hope!), there's not much that I would call "dumb" so much as "silly" and "fun." We've had a few shopping excursions, gone out for food, drunk ourselves blotto, and had some conversations that I would not trade for anything.

Finally, your number 1. (college BFF)

• So, why is she number one? she knows.
• Are you her number one? in some ways--hell, yeah. (To my knowledge, she does not have MySpace, and even if she does, I don't, so, I'm not.)
• Are you taller or shorter? taller, by a bunch
• Older or younger? younger by 4 months
• Do you two like the same music? some. I probably veer more toward the heavy stuff (and country, a lot of which she thinks is crap).
• Ever been to her house? many, many times. It's like home to me.
• What if you had never met this person? I don't want to think about it. There are literally tears in my eyes just from answering this question, if that says anything?
• When was the last time you saw her? a week or so. Too long.
• How did you meet? we had a couple of classes together our first quarter of college; we had the same major and they herded us into those same "weeders." Her memories of me are what one might call "iconoclastic," but only if the word "goofy" didn't exist--eating grapes out of an old margarine container, or flipping my (then much longer) hair over my face and inspecting it for split ends (oh yeah, this was during class), or eating Pop-Tarts at whatever time of day. I also had almost no scholarly grasp of the content of our classes. I wasn't the dumb kid, just the one who didn't belong doing what we were doing. Thank God I was released from that track soon enough.
  We stayed friends. Skipped class to go out for Chili-n-[Bread]Sticks at Happy Chef or to play ping-pong at the student union. Left notes on each others' cars (mine was easy to find, since I almost always parked in an almost-legal spot. Gotta love snow- and ice-accumulation during that long home-state winter!). Ran into each other occasionally in the building where most of my classes (and her minor classes) were held, and had impromptu marathon conversations that seemed to soothe something inside me that I hadn't realized needed soothing.
  She saved me. It was literal, in the case of those classes that I could have literally failed without her help. And it was figurative a hundred (thousand) times over, through her friendship that was always there but never intruded. I was blessed by my stubborn decision to declare that major in which I did not belong.

Now Then...

• Who’s the oldest? Fluffy Youngest? Mumbler
• Who have you known the longest? The Monkey Shortest? Mumbler
• Ever been to a concert with any of them? If so, which ones? The Monkey...notoriously
• Who texts you? all of them, some much more than others!
• Talk to any of them on the phone? all of them. Fluffy the most.
• Who did you last see? Mumbler
• Who do you wanna see? ...
• Who’s been to your house? all but college BFF
  
• Whose house have you been to? The Cat's, Fluffy's, Heidi's in OK, Farmer E's, and college BFF's
• Who lives closest to you? Fluffy
• Furthest away? Heidi
• Ever dated any of them? yep

Final Questions.

• Any of them related to you? scary thought. God, I hope not.
• Ever fought with any of them? I've been a little ticked with each of them at times, probably. I've had a screaming argument with at least one. I've chucked things at one (still sorry...). And I've definitely been on the receiving end of it (the arguing, not the throwing). So, yeah. In a manner of speaking.
• Who’d you hug last? Farmer E.
• Do you think any of them will repost this? doubtful, but stranger things have happened

[from The Cat, who got it here; title quotation from "Ain't that Strange" by Rhett Miller]

chicks dig scrawny pale guys

a birthday, and the long weekend days 1 & 2

Although I'd put out a strongly-worded prohibition against any acknowledgement of my birthday at the place of employment, a friend brought flowers. Hard to resist since they were wild and lovely.

It takes a lot to shake me, but this gift did it: emerald earrings.I visited my parents for a long weekend. While there, I saw "their kitties"--the grandcat (black and white) was around for a day, his son Big Orange stopped by a couple of times, and these two (Gray and Lil Orange, who is fourth generation) were there every day.The house is on a hillside. Now and then, a flower sprouts up among the weeds--another triumph of faith over experience.