my high school sweetheart was killed in a drag race

1. Have you ever performed the Heimlich Maneuver on someone or had it performed on you? not for the purpose of correcting a choking problem
2. Do you have a red room in your home? (Either painted red or red curtains etc.) "Red room! Red room! Over there!" Ahh--from one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons. Can you tell me who was speaking those lines? [it was Lisa Simpson]
   
   My bathroom has red rugs. Does that count?
3. Have you ever felt like banging your head against the wall? only pretty much every time I'm in a meeting with the consortial colleagues.
4. Reports came out this week that Michael Jackson was gay. Are you shocked, don't believe it, don't care or felt he was all along? I always knew--you could tell by the jackets he wore!
   
   In all seriousness, who cares? To each his/her/its own.
5. What's the dumbest thing you have done after a breakup with a SFO? curled into a ball in front of the couch in the dark and contemplated my psyche for 3 months
6. If Berleen and Bud are standing on the roof of a one story building and decide to throw water balloons at Kimber walking down below on the sidewalk, what color balloon hits her first? black
7. What are the wildest, craziest pajamas you own? that's for me to know, and a very select audience to find out, eh?
8. Have you ever ridden in a sidecar on a motorcycle? no, but I know someone who's proclaimed it her life's ambition to do so. And I saw a movie this weekend in which Kirk Douglas made riding in a sidecar look dignified, which is not its ordinary condition.
9. Do/did you go party on Cinco de Mayo, and if so what color was the bartender's shirt? no, and green!
10. Why does a hat have a bill? because there's no such thing as a free lunch, even if it's a chicken hat (which, technically, could have two bills)
11. If you were a WWE professional wrestler, what would your stage name be? 'Thirteen'
12. How many keys do you have on your keyring? 6
13. What is the oldest picture you currently have in your home? What year was it taken and who/what is the photo of? I have an 11x14 (possibly 16x20?) of the members of the Supreme Court of IL, and after discerning the identity of those in the photo, it was determined to have been taken somewhere between 1911 and 1918. It was a gift from my former aunt-in-law. (I had mistakenly reported it "ungifted" but recently found it in a closet, where I had placed it anticipating a move that did not materialize. Sorry, Clara!) It is a very cool photo and looked distinguished hanging next to my law school diploma, which is oversized and pathetic. When I build that dream house with the library, I'll rehang that photo.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

dancing is as far as it goes

• Don't you just hate that morning mouth taste? totally
• Do you have a sore throat? no, at the moment I feel fine
• What can you hear right now? A/C, television (not my choice!), and fingernails on keyboard
• Name three things you did yesterday: played with five baby kittens, ate at Hu Hot for the first time, and looked at some things on YouTube that melted my soul
• What was the last thing you spent money on? random Target stuff
• What is something you're going to do a lot of this week? driving
• Do you like the singer Bon Jovi? no, I would truly rather that he fly off to that island where the other celebrity undesirables (m#ll#ncamp) should all go to fade away.
• What is the next concert you're going to? no plans
• What is your favorite channel to watch on the television? wherever the show is that I want to watch. I'm not that sort of TV person.
• Look behind you; what do you see? pillow. plants. glass door.
• What were you doing at 8am this morning? Warning: Rant Ahead!
  "EIGHT AM THIS MORNING" is redundant. Either "AM" (not "am") or "this morning" would be fine. They mean the same thing!
  I was just getting out of bed. My parents had apparently decided that I'd slept long enough.
• Can you crack your toes? Yep. I try not to crack my second toe on my right foot since I broke it, though. It still hurts a little.
• What was the last movie you watched? Paths of Glory with Kirk Douglas. WWI action/courtroom/morality play. Not so good, really.
• What grade are you in? If graduated, what year did you graduate? 1988, 1992, 1999 and 2004
• Have you thrown popcorn at someone in a movie theater? only someone I'd gone to the movies with
• Do you like redvines? meh
• How about black licorice? not at all
• How does your hair look right now? yes.
• How long till your next birthday? 300+ days
• What fast food restaurant has the best fries, in your opinion? no clue. It's been a very long time since I've had fast food fries.
• Do you sing along to the songs you know while in the car? naturally!
• Name five things you do on a regular basis: read, procrastinate, send text messages, water plants, buy milk
• Do you read often? yes. I probably average 3 books per week.
• Who last IM'ed you? the Monkey
• Do you think Bigfoot is real? (oh, the irony!) uh, that would be a big No.
• Is there someone you wish would just fall off the face of this earth? yup. I'd even be willing to help.
• Do you like the show Grey's Anatomy? I watched the second and third seasons. The music was fantastic (still is, I think?), the storylines were a fresh and compelling blend of medicine, sociology/psychology, and pointless entertainment, and there was an elegance of writing that seemed to draw the viewer toward the characters.
  After that third season, it all went to hell. Everything became strained, the soundtrack was grating and overtook the action, and even that was a blessing because the characters had become so far-fetched that they were annoying beyond compare. Kathryn Heigl is incredibly irritating, T.R. Knight & Isaiah Washington were geniuses to get out when they could, and I feel bad for the truly talented Patrick Dempsey, Sandra Oh and Kevin McKidd for still being stuck in that mess.
  In other words: No. I don't watch it.
• Are you ashamed of your childhood? Ashamed of my childhood?! No. I am not. Who...?!
• What's the furthest point you've ever traveled to? adulthood
• Who are you thinking about right now? the Monkey
• Is there anyone you look up to? Sleek
• Are you hungry right now? no. Tonight was a big dinner with my brother & his gf.
• Has anyone played a practical joke on you? not and lived to tell about it
• Who was the last person to call you? one of my parents
• What did you do last night? Hu Hot, etc. Great fun!
• Do you think you're good looking? there are aspects that are not unpleasant
• Are you cold right now? not even remotely
• How is the weather outside? steamy
• Have you ever had a broken heart? If so, how's your heart now? yes, of course. It's fine right now; the usual.
• Is there anyone who you love more then anything in the world? I'm not sure if I would describe it that way, but...maybe, yeah.
• Do you know the difference between "your" and "you're"? yup
• Do you have a Facebook? If no, then why not? I have two. And I have 17 friend requests pending, with which I really should deal.
• Do you do surveys often? on vacation, they're a very easy post. In my ordinary life, I try not to do them more than once every couple of days.
• Do you have a best friend? I have four.
• Do you hate it when people ask you questions about the war? I much prefer when people ask me about the Second World War, 'cause I know a great deal more about it.
• Are you interested in politics and what's going on in the world? yes
• Where is the next place you'd like to go vacation? Ireland, naturally
• Have you ever gone on a road trip? yes. {grumble...lousy Mumbler...}
• Name one of your fears: heights
• When you go to the theaters, do you buy food there? If so, what do you get? depends. I do love over-buttered, over-salted popcorn, but only if it's hot.
• How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 6-ish
• Is there anything bothering you right now? neck, back, shoulders
• Where is your sister right now? don't know, don't care
• Are there any songs stuck in your head right now? If so, what? "You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This" by Toby Keith
  
• Have you ever worked a double shift? uh, yeah. Welcome to my first 3 years of college--and thank God for 'em, too, as much as I hated them.
• What is one of the worst things about waking up? everything
• Have you ever felt like/have run away from home? only when I separated from my spouse. Isn't that a fun story?
• Last encounter you had with a police officer: lunch
• Did you answer any of these questions with "I don't know"? not exactly, but I came very close on only one

[from The Cat, who called it "for once I don't" and got it here]

her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words

• Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? not at all. Words really cannot describe how easy that would be.
• When is it hard to kiss someone? when they're too far away. Or when they don't kiss you back. (Yeah, you know who you are. I don't know why you're here, but we both know who you are.)
• You're trapped in a room with your most recent ex for three days, what do you do? depends who you consider my "most recent ex." For the sake of argument, let's say that's Nick, 'cause that's an easy answer: I kill him within about 6 hours (probably less), and enjoy those last 2.75 days of peace before I'm freed from the room and face my fate.
• Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? yes and no. It's happened before, and in some ways I sort of miss it.
• Have you ever regretted letting someone go? uh, yeah.
• Where would you go if you were butt naked and locked out of your house? depends why elements A and B had come about, to begin with. Under optimal circumstances, I would stay right where I was.
• Do you want to please everyone? not hardly. In fact, life would be a lot more satisfying if I pleased fewer others.
• Have you ever been called heartless? probably, and rightfully so
• Someone calls you at 3:00 AM, who do you expect it to be? Mumbler, needing bail money. Or Sam (not needing bail money).
• Does it matter if your significant other drinks? it's not sufficient, but probably necessary? I drink; it might be difficult or annoying to adapt to a non-drinker again.
• Could you go the rest of your life without doing drugs? depends what you mean by "doing."
• Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile? I'd rather see amazing eyes every day. Lucky for me, most days I do. (A few of my friends with whom I happen to work have gorgeous eyes.) As for me, I'm hoping the answer is also 'eyes'--my smile is crooked and doesn't appear as often as the eyes do.
• Do you want to get married and have children one day? the laws of probability are not in favor of this prospect
• Are you easy to get along with? people sometimes think so. Sometimes I let them think things that are not entirely true.
• Do you ever want to go to sleep and not wake up? oh definitely. Like, once a week at least.
• Are you shorter than your Mom? no, I've got a few inches on her at least
• Describe your life currently in one word: labyrinthine
• Are you on medication for anything? yup
• Who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? if you're reading the blog, I guess you come the closest. Congratulations, or take warning!
• Are there things in your life that you will never be able to get over? yes. That's part of adulthood, I think?
• If you woke up naked next to the last person you kissed, what would your reaction be? "fuuuuuuuck"

[from The Cat, who got it here; quotation by Margaret Mitchell]

O bed! O bed! delicious bed!

1. are you comfortable sleeping on couches? yup!--I do it as much as possible when I'm visiting my parents
2. are you a light sleeper? depends. If I'm sleeping on my parents' couch, hell yeah. If I'm tucked into my own comfy bed, I'm like the dead.
3. is your bed comfortable? very much so
4. what makes a bed comfortable to you? clean sheets, lots of the right kinds of [cool] pillows, perfectly parallel with the floor.... I could go on.
5. do you like to sleep? is that not obvious? I'm a great sleeper. Always have been.
6. how many hours a day have you been sleeping lately? at home: between 6 and 8 hrs. Here: 10.
7. do you often fall asleep to music? never
8. or with the TV? never
9. can you sleep on airplanes? that may be my best hidden talent. As soon as I'm settled in my seat & buckled in, I jab in my earplugs and fall asleep. It's the most awesome hex in the world.
10. do you usually nap on long car rides? no, since I drive!
11. do you have to sleep with a pillow? yes. Always.
12. or a blanket? though I greatly prefer to be covered somehow (i.e. when I nap), I can sleep without a blanket in a pinch--for instance, on a plane
13. do you always change into pajamas? no
14. have you ever fell asleep and woke up someplace completely different? well, there was that return flight when I distinctly remember falling asleep with my head against the window, but woke up curled around the [unknown to me] guy next to me, my head against his wool-sweatered chest and the rest of my body curled around him like a lover. *mortifying*
15. passed out and done the same? nope, I think I've always woken where I dropped
16. what's the longest you've ever been passed out? like, drunk? I've never literally passed out, but, last year on my birthday was memorable. Ignominious, even.
17. ever pulled an all-nighter? of course
18. are you going to sleep after this survey? within an hour or two
19. do you often sleep out? never. I live in an apartment in a "city."
20. do you usually get the short couch? this makes me laugh--there was this guy...one night in college, I crashed at a party with the guy I liked. The only available flat space was a love-seat. I got the crease. We kissed a little, but through that interlude it became sadly apparent that our feelings about each other were not congruent. In an effort to remain friends (which we were. Very good friends, even.) we stopped the kissing nonsense and settled into an extended sort of hug...whereupon we both fell asleep. With all of our clothes on, and our shoes. And several others sleeping/passed out in the same room. And some idiot's slightly scratched Janis Joplin's Greatest Hits CD on repeat elsewhere in the apartment. A few hours later, we woke up and he drove me home (probably still drunk, but less so). We were both in great pain from the contorted position we'd been in for so long, and sheepish about what we'd done. We resolved it, though, and maintained our friendship. And about 3 years later, he stood up in my wedding.
21. do you drool when you sleep? not so's you'd notice
22. talk in your sleep? I don't think so?
23. have you ever sleepwalked? the only time I know about is a few weeks ago when I ran (literally) into my bedroom door at top speed
24. do you dream when you sleep? yep, and the dreams are fantastic (in the original sense of the word)
25. what was your worst nightmare? lots to choose from. I've had a few lately that would rival the scariest movies.
26. what was your best recent dream? quite sure I'd have to add the Adult Content rating to the blog if I described it in detail. I do love my imagination....
27. have you ever woke up in a sweat? see above!
28. woke up in the middle of an amazing dream? um, yeah. I think I've mentioned it a time or two, even.
29. have you ever fallen out of bed? no, but I knew a guy in college who shoved his girlfriend out of bed (by accident, during a dream) and when she fell, she broke both wrists trying to catch herself. That would suck, eh?
30. how many pillows are on your bed? four
31. stuffed animals? there is one in the room, but not on the bed. And a stuffed state of Oklahoma.
32. can you sleep comfortably in your clothes? depends on the clothes. I'm really not a fan.
33. do you shower before bed? yup, more often than not. I really, really hate to wake up too fast, and I find water to be very jarring.
34. on school nights, when do you go to bed? somewhere between 10 and 2:30
35. did you have sleepovers on school nights? a few times, usually when there was something extracurricular going on (e.g. sports or band)
36. what are your current bedsheets? Army green Modal (bamboo)
37. is there anything on the ceiling above your bed? just the light fixture
38. do you have a headboard? nope
39. a nightstand? there are two
40. if so, what's on it? lamp, lemon hand lotion, usually a glass of water. The one on the far side of the bed (yeah, I have a "side") has an alarm clock, a weird little shrine (don't ask) and a box of Puffs. And usually my accumulated change.
41. do you always take off your makeup before bed? in a manner of speaking
42. brush your teeth before bed? definitely
43. are you in your bed right now? no, I am in the Ikea chair in my parents' living room
44. what channel do you usually fall asleep to? silence, please (in all seriousness, music is OK if it's not too loud. TV is annoying because it's hard to block out the light flickers.)
45. is there a window above your bed? not at the moment. I'm very fond of rearranging my bedroom furniture, though, so this might change.
46. what usually wakes you up in the morning? one of two alarms or MFing reversing pallet-lifters
47. have you ever actually awoken to frying bacon? yes
48. what time did you wake up this morning? 8:something. It was pretty early for the first day of a vacation.
49. do you kick people in your sleep? that would require sleeping with people, wouldn't it? And I wouldn't do that, would I??
50. has anyone ever frozen your bra? not and lived to tell about it
51. dipped your finger in water? yes
52. pulled another prank on you? not that I remember
53. do you sleep with your hair up? sometimes. I've been known to sleep in my hat.
54. crashed outside? once or twice
55. or at a party? memorably. There may still be photographic evidence, but I don't think he'd show it, 'cause then I'd show what I did to his eyebrows
56. or at the beach? no opportunity, but if I could have, I would have
57. thrown up in your sleep? eeew, no
58. what size bed do you have? Queen
59. do you set your alarm clock whenever you're home? definitely, or I wouldn't be employed
60. if so, what time's it usually set for? 7:23 and 7:27
61. do you use an alarm clock on your cell phone? yes, often
62. are you an early bird? not by the furthest stretch of the imagination!
63. are you tired at all right now? only when contemplating breakfast at 8:AM tomorrow. I'll need a vacation when this vacation is done...

[from The Cat, who got it here]

(remainder of quotation: "That heaven upon earth to the weary head." Thomas Hood, Miss Kilmansegg--Her Dream)

last weekish

Among other things, I shopped for root beer with Farmer E. We each spent about $75, and I got these adorable sake cups and chopstick rests shaped like beans. (For what it's worth, I also bought chopsticks. Not pictured.)
Later in the week, had another in a series of drinking-, talking- & sometimes food-nights with Mumbler. We ordered pizza. (No, Chuck did not deliver. That would have caused a rift in the space-time continuum!)
We also pulled out the Magic 8-Ball, which seems to be of supreme importance after we've had our 4th or so (well, my 4th, his probably 6th or so) drink. Neither of us can make a decision worth a damn, so it may be best to leave it up to "fate."
The next day (oh, who am I kidding? two or three days later) when all the bottles were rounded up and ready for recycling, they sort of filled the dish drainer and the side of the sink in front of the microwave. Must've been some extremely salty calzones, hm?

don't stop on that account, keep going

It's good we only see each other once a week.
A young man about to move in with his fiancée
died of a sudden heart attack at twenty-six.
One hears these stories all the time.
The heart is trained to handle deprivation,
not unforeseen happiness. Just as when you
throw your arms around me I start to overflow,
but then I think of course, where was she before?
I deserve it and a lot more besides—
your love gets soaked up quickly
and I pull back brooding over something
I never had.
But don't stop on that account, keep going.

I was brought up to make
the most of accidental brushes with kindness.
My pleasures were collected almost unawares
from stationary models, like the girl
who sat in front of me in tenth grade,
who let me stroke and braid her golden hair
and never acknowledged it.
I wouldn't know what to do with frontal love;
would I? One snowy winter night in Montreal
I felt so great I danced a flamenco
and insisted that everyone call me Fernando.
But then I was by myself. And last night,
if there are many more nights
like last night with you —
when I think of all my nights of total happiness
I get the panicky sense that the balance
has already tipped,
and I will never again feel free
to pass myself off as a have-not.

Maybe it's good we only see each other once a week.
But don't stop on that account, keep going.
["It's Good We Only See Each Other Once a Week" by Phillip Lopate, from At the End of the Day, ©Marsh Hawk Press, 2010]
from, and for, Heidi

what's your fantasy?

SUBJECT ONE- THE OUTSIDE

• What's your name? oh, great--now the Ting Tings' "That's Not My Name" is going to be running through my head for the next day and a half.
  
• How tall are you? still 162.6 cm
• What color are your eyes? today, they're something like 66CCFF
• What color is your hair? sweet toffee, with tawny bronze and baked lemon
• Are you male or female? yes indeed I am
• What is your best physical feature? depends. Shoulders, maybe?
• What's your shoe size? 7.5ish
• Glasses, yes or no? have 'em. Don't wear 'em often.
• Did you ever have braces? yup
• On a typical day you are wearing... jeans, black sandals, black blouse, typical residuals
• When you go to bed you're wearing... nothing
• How often do you exercise? rarely

SUBJECT TWO- MUSIC

• Name two of your favorite bands? Pearl Jam & Papa Roach (I'm in the P's of iTunes)
• Name two of your favorite singers? Kate Nash & Matt Nathanson
• Name two songs you currently love:? "Hot Mess" by Uncle Kracker & "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel, which has rolled back into my consciousness from God knows where
  
• Name one song that describes your life right now? "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake
  
• Name one song that describes your life 1 year ago? "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg
  
• What are the preset stations in your car? no clue. One of them might be WGN?
• What's the last CD you bought? the New Born 2 EP by Elbow
• Was the last CD you burned an actual CD or a mix? a mix, called "I Really Want This"
• Name one band you're embarrassed to like but do? if I was embarrassed, I'd hardly blather it all over my blog, would I?
• If you could only attend 1 concert ever again, it would be? not such a fan of concerts. Maybe something classical
• Name one band or singer you absolutely can't stand? his compound last name is a fruit and an outdoor sleeping arrangement
• Name a group you use to like but feel you've grown out of? I don't think of it as "outgrown." My musical taste transforms, and is constantly changing.

SUBJECT THREE- MOVIES and TELEVISION

• Name your favorite actor: Jean Reno
• Name your favorite actress: ever? Adrienne Shelley
• Name your favorite television show right now: NCIS
• Name a really cool movie you have recently seen: Lost in La Mancha
• Your favorite canceled television show? ReGenesis
• Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time and money on: I wasn't too hot on The Breakup
• You would never watch a movie with...? most people. I tend to multi-task (which is distracting to others) and I have odd habits besides.
• Three favorite TV channels? wow, I really can't be bothered to even fake an answer to this
• Favorite reality show? sports
• Favorite character on a reality show? athletes in general

SUBJECT FOUR- WORD ASSOCIATION

• coffee :: Iced (hi, Fluffy!)
• dog :: Wiener
• slut :: Wonder- (hi, Reed)
• candy :: bar
• pole :: -dancer
• ocean :: eyes (don't ask me - that one's strictly subconscious)
• brave :: free
• loving :: kiss (hi, E)
• cookie :: Shawn's
• death :: -ray
• life :: -mate
• child :: sweet (hi, Cat)

SUBJECT FIVE- WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER?
[yup, this reminds me of the good days of Molson Canadian]

• Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects? lion, please
• Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge? neither. I'll take the insects, above.
• No television OR No music? no television by a landslide
• No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate, ever? no more chocolate
• A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii? trip to Europe, assuming I can choose my destination. Bulgaria would not thrill me.
• An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one? since the former is a logical impossibility, I'll choose the latter--which would have been my preference regardless
• Sex without love OR love without sex? sex without love. I've had the latter and it's no picnic. (Assuming that this is in a marriage, of course.)

SUBJECT SIX- THE LOVE LIFE

• Are you currently in a relationship? I'm currently in several relationships. Too numerous to count.
• Are you currently looking [for] or interested in someone? not exactly
• Are you a virgin? ha! hahahahahahaha
• If yes, how long do you plan to be one? [N/A]
• How many times have you been in love? twelve
• Looking back, how do you feel about that person now? ?? This question is rather more odd than most.
• Name three physical things you look for in someone? eyes, lips, and hair (or lack of same)
• Biggest turn offs include? long walks on the beach, puppies, and failure to appreciate my unique sense of humor
• Your ideal date would be? ...unlikely to appear on the blog in purely accurate form
• You want to get married, where, when, how? not really, thank you
• Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return? yes. Not sure who, but I'm certain of it.

SUBJECT SEVEN- THE FRIENDS

• The one you immediately go to with a problem? depends on the problem. Fluffy is the first to come to mind, but she's by no means the only one I would count on (or trouble).
• The most rational? Tom
• The funniest? college BFF
  
• The one you spend the most time on the phone with? Fluffy, by a landslide
• The craziest? Heidi
• The most honest? none of them are particularly dishonest, but...the Cat
• The purest? Susan
• The smartest? wow, that varies widely depending on the subject. First reaction: Jeremy
• The most athletic? Rob
• The most compassionate? Fluffy
• The one most likely to get thrown in jail? Dan
• The last one that who said I love you? ...shall remain nameless

Best

• Male Friend: Mumbler. I know! So weird.
• Female Friend: there are several
• Vacation: Miami. Just thinking about it makes me swoony. Oklahoma will always mean something very precious to me, but that was the person, not the place. Miami--that's the place.
• Memory: just one? today at lunch was outstanding

Worst

• Time of day: no contest: waking up
• Day of the week: Monday. Dreaded Monday.
• Food: cooked carrots
• Memory: flipping through my mental index cards of bad memories...I'll choose Brian from Mad-town walking out the door

Last

• Talked to on the phone: my dad. Blargh.
• Text: Mumbler
• Messaged over Facebook: a very dear friend from college

Today

• What are you doing right now? listening to "Miami" by Counting Crows (no surprise there), drinking water, and typing
  
• Wearing? white yoga pants & navy cami
• Better than yesterday? sorta yeah
• Did you see the person you like? I saw several people I like. A couple that I love. One or two that I'd like to shove off a cliff.
• What’s the weather? 61° and clear. Perfect sleeping weather

Tomorrow

• Is? Thursday
• Got any plans? work, 2 meetings, and packing for a few days north
• Dislikes about tomorrow? work, 2 meetings, and packing for a few days north

Favorite

• Number: 7 or 13
• Song: "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris always makes me dance
  
• Season: autumn
• Cartoon: I should say The Simpsons but... Bugs Bunny

Currently

• Missing someone: of course
• Mood: moody
• Wanting: sleep
• Listening to: the song from that last YouTube video (which is hilariously "explicit")

True or False (bolded items are true)
I am a morning person
I am currently in my PJ’s
I am currently suffering from a broken heart
I can be paranoid at times
I currently regret something that I have done
I curse frequently
I enjoy country music
I enjoy hip hop
I enjoy techno/trance (less than some other genres)
I enjoy talking on the phone
I have a hidden talent
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
I have all my grandparents
I have at least one brother and/or sister
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor
I have done something illegal
I have had major/minor surgery
I have had my hair cut within the last 2 months
I have had the cops called on me

• Single or Taken: single
• Eye color: still that same blue
• Hair: still that same blond/brownish
• Height: still 162.6 cm
• Righty or lefty: very right

[from ze Cat, who got it here]

existential foam flowers

More photos from that Washington, D.C. trip.

The Washington Monument
Smithsonian Castle - which was far more interesting to me from the outside than inside[There is one black tulip in that sea of green in the pot on the right. Can you see it? It reminded me of me.]
Arthur M. Sackler Gallery at the SmithsonianThe National Museum of African Art

an unintentionally (?) existential revolving door to nowhere, at the Hirschhorn Museum

an installation called 'The Dangerous Logic of Wooing' by Ernesto Neto at the Hirschhorn Museum

we shall Be one, and another's all

If yet I have not all the love,
Dear, I shall never have it all,
I cannot breathe one other sigh, to move,
Nor can entreat one other tear to fall.
All my treasure, which should purchase thee,
Sighs, tears, and oaths, and letters I have spent,
Yet no more can be due to me,
Than at the bargain made was meant.
If then thy gift of love were partial,
That some to me, some should to others fall,
Dear, I shall never have thee all.

Or if then thou gavest me all,
All was but all, which thou hadst then;
But if in thy heart, since, there be or shall
New love created be, by other men,
Which have their stocks entire, and can in tears,
In sighs, in oaths, and letters outbid me,
This new love may beget new fears,
For, this love was not vowed by thee.
And yet it was, thy gift being general,
The ground, thy heart is mine; whatever shall
Grow there, dear, I should have it all.

Yet I would not have all yet,
He that hath all can have no more,
And since my love doth every day admit
New growth, thou shouldst have new rewards in store;
Thou canst not every day give me thy heart,
If thou canst give it, then thou never gav'st it;
Love's riddles are, that though thy heart depart,
It stays at home, and thou with losing sav'st it:
But we will have a way more liberal,
Than changing hearts, to join them, so we shall
Be one, and another's all.
[Lovers' Infiniteness, John Donne]

your grass just seems better somehow

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very High
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	High

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

    The results, to say nothing of the quiz itself, made me laugh almost uncontrollably. This is a good one. Props, as always, to my source.
    This should cut down on invitations for a while....

anywhere at all. Srsly.

    I'm suffering through another motherfucking unending Goddamned street dance. Some talentless hacks have been belting out a horrible, dated, miserable excuse for music for the past seven and three-quarters hours. I am not exaggerating when I say that if I had the means, I would shut up the entire fucking town in an instant. I HATE THIS PLACE.
    Instead, I'm fantasizing about being anywhere but here. At the moment, fondly remembering a trip I took to Washington, D.C. a few years ago. These are from day 1.

The Library of CongressU.S. Supreme CourtU.S. Patent & Trademark Office (or, how I know I'm a nerd)The Capitol BuildingThe National Gallery of ArtThe Federal Trade Commission (another nerdism)Archives of the United StatesD.C. squirrels seemed especially bouncy & athletic

interview game, take VII

Questions from a new reader.

1. What book have you read that you originally disliked--hated even--but at a later date reread and found that you in fact enjoyed? We're starting with a tough one. I don't think I've ever read a book all the way through, disliked (or hated) it, and then intentionally read it again. That's just...ugh. Life is too damned short. The best alternative answer I can come up with, though, is to say that there are some books that I've started reading, disliked (or hated), but stuck with, and at some point they've transformed into something wonderful. A few of these are very memorable. Totally worth reading.
   • A Canticle for Leibowitz (Walter Miller)--the best speculative fiction I've ever read. Science fiction for people who don't like science fiction.
   • The Reader (Bernhard Schlink)--World War II fiction is hard for me; my mind keeps yammering, "But it's not true!" even if the setting fascinates me more than any other. This is a doozy of a book. It left me reeling, once I got into it.
   • Three Junes (Julia Glass)--the worst book I've ever loved. Or the best book I've ever hated. I started it, forced myself through the first few chapters, and set it aside with extreme disinterest. A few months later, with nothing good to read, I picked it up again. Flipped through the beginning to reacquaint myself, and started reading in earnest from the point where I'd left off. I don't think I stopped until the book was done, and I loved it. The characters, setting, plot, theme, the dialog, everything. I wish I could go back in time to when I hadn't read it, just so I could experience that again.
2. With nerds and geeks (apparently) becoming less stigmatized, what nerd/geek (from history or your experience) do you think would benefit from a benevolent reexamination of his or her standing as a nerd or a geek? That's easy: Sleek. The former IT guy at the place where I work. Not sure whether he self-identifies more as a nerd or geek, but he's a good one, and a good guy, and more well-rounded than previously believed. I think that the 'benevolent reexamination' is possible thanks to his transformation from "just" the IT guy to multi-faceted adult. He's a homeowner, dog-companion, boyfriend (no, not mine!), corporate jet traveler (yeah, not at that same job anymore, either), tornado chaser, beer-crafter, home renovator, soccer and hockey player, and all-around interesting person. And he almost always remembers to bring back a shot glass for me when he's away on business, which is remarkable given our somewhat rocky past. That's our Sleek: more than just the scowl in big shoes.
3. If you were in Ireland right now, what would you be doing? I suppose that depends upon whether I was alone or had company, how long I could stay, and what my financial situation might be during my stay. If I paid for my transportation to Ireland right now, I'd be screwed, 'cause I'm fairly certain that couldn't pay to get back! But while we're being fanciful... I would be drinking, in whatever local drinking establishments I could find. And drinking whatever local brews came recommended by the locals, not some Americanized crap. I would be eating, bravely. I do not have a widely-traveled palate, but I would set it free and tell it to be adventurous. What came my way, I would try. Who knows what I could find? I would be photographing everything. I wouldn't want to waste my once-in-a-lifetime experience by hiding behind a camera and not really seeing what was before me, but at the same time I want to capture enough that there's something to look back on during those long hot days in the smelly, boring American Midwest. When I see the pictures, I remember how it feels. I would be writing. My journal would fill. I would be walking. How better to see it? And smell it? And feel it on my face? The biggest thing, the one thing that I want out of Ireland? I want to sit on a rock, and watch the water. Which water? Which rock? Which coast? Any. All. Whichever. I don't care. All of them. Whatever. That's not the point. I just wish I had a river.
4. Your lease is up and you have decided to build a house. Cost is no object but you want a sensible house. What are the major features your house of practicality has? I've got to tell you, "sensible" and "practical" are difficult words for me to reconcile with the phrase "cost is no object."
   • 3 bedrooms
     • the master bedroom doesn't have to be huge, but I would like it large enough to have a dresser. I haven't had one (no room for one) in 6 years. If the master bedroom could be on the darkest, quietest corner of the house, that would be good, too.
     • a medium-sized bedroom that doubles as an office, with room for a bed and a desk setup that's not facing the bed. I'd never get anything done if I was staring at a bed all day when I'm supposed to be working.
     • another medium-sized bedroom that doubles as a library. I've heard some criticism that all the books in my bedroom are "intimidating."
   • a kitchen with windows. A gas range. A super-quiet dishwasher. A ridiculously well-insulated refrigerator that does not share a wall with the master bedroom.
   • a porch/patio/deck (for outdoor container plants)
   • generally: sunny, light rooms, and wall space for furniture and art
   • finished basement. I want a pool table again.
   • 2-car attached garage
   • if all of this could happen somewhere within view of the northern Mississippi, so much the better
5. What's the best scoring Scrabble word you can use to describe yourself? Feel free to place your letters anywhere on the board, but you can only use 7 letters. Presuming the word "ion" has been placed (this is Scrabble, after all, so I've got to hook those 7 letters to something!), and that the letter "O" is using a Double-Letter Score between two Triple Word Scores (and there are no other letters already placed between those Scores), I am 'functional'. This would net 185 points: 15 for the initial tile score, multiplied by 3 (45), multiplied by 3 (135) for the double-triple, plus 50 for using all seven tiles. 185. Lame descriptor, but kick-ass Scrabble word!

The Official Interview Game Rules 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions-- each person's will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

immortal, indeed

Stupidly redundant title aside, I adore this cover. That steely gaze, those rippling abs, that razor-sharp nipple that could blind innocent passers-by, and that squirrel-shaped cloud. WTF?
"In the dark, there's no escaping passion... because you'll probably trip over the rug and hit your knee on the coffee table."

have a critical meeting

Just don't clean it with canned air afterward. Or, if you do - use your own, from home. It's expensive.

o, that I were a glove upon that hand

    The weather tonight is perfect. Cool, clear, a strong breeze - it's probably dropped the temperature in my apartment by at least 15° since I opened the windows 2 hours ago. I wish I could leave the windows open all night, but this town wakes a little too early for me.

    Today was a pretty quiet day. I read, napped, made a necklace for a friend's birthday, and did an absolute avalanche of laundry. It's even almost all folded.

    As I type, there's a kid (16, maybe 18 years old) pacing in the gas station parking lot at the end of the block, yammering on his phone at top volume. Can't tell what language it's in except to say that it's not any of the probably ten that I can readily identify. That's another reason to close up before I go to bed.

    The guys across the hall were, I thought, moving out today. They were up and down the back staircase a few million times, and both their SUVs were filled with stuff when I glanced out to find the source of the noise. Seems odd that the SUVs are back here now, though. Maybe one helped the other move? Or they moved the little stuff but are still staying here? Or they've done the moving but haven't finished the cleaning? In any case, I'm both glad and sorry. Glad because they're relatively loud and can't seem to stay in one place for long, so their door and the door to the back stairs open and close 200x/night when they're around - and never quietly. But they do, eventually, settle down, and apart from the door noise (and two isolated fights) they've been pretty easy to live with. That's why I'm sorry; God knows what I'll get next. It's another episode of apartment neighbor roulette.

    There's something interesting (in a bad way) brewing at the place of employment: a movement afoot to discourage the drones from taking full advantage of benefits. It's all very subtle and delicately-phrased, nothing that would rise to the level of action or even report, but it is still disturbing and, in this time of financial and occupational uncertainty, even more profoundly disappointing. The least they can do....

    The sinus infection - which I'd believed to be completely over - is morphing into a sort of cold, I think. Whatever it is, I've been sneezing like mad for the past day and a half. I'm not generally a real big sneezer, so it's kind of strange to do it 2 or 3 times at once, maybe 5 times every hour. I even woke myself up sneezing a couple of times last night. The worst of it is when I'm in the shower. That's very disorienting. I should probably stay home for the next few days, maybe a week, to be sure I'm fully recovered.

    Yeah, right.

gimme that gimme that hot hot mess

The Super Comments Award

• If you could interview anyone in the world for your blog, who would you choose and why? First reaction: Tony Bourdain, but on further reflection I realize that (a) the blog isn't the proper forum in which to discuss the topics I'd like to discuss with him, and (b) much like with Chuck the pizza guy (not that they are close to the same league, mind you), all that's likely to come out of my mouth upon meeting him are whistles and squeaks. Dolphin-language for, "You're Tony Bourdain. I love your books. You write good."--and worse.
  My second thought is David James Duncan [link is down for internal maintenance as of this posting, but I have hopes that it will be back up shortly], author of The Brothers K. For completely different reasons, though, I come to the same conclusion--it wouldn't make very good blog-fodder (here).
  Ah! Inspiration. The perfect person to ask some questions, and be guaranteed answers: Brian from Mad-town.
• Can you remember your last dream? What was it? Last night after work I took a quick nap, during which I dreamed that I was packing for a road trip. I was going to drive around the South with Uncle Kracker, writing an article comparing informal BBQ places for a foodie magazine while he wrote songs for his next album (and avoided his old haunts & friends during the critical first period after rehab).
  There are about a dozen disparate reasons for this dream to have come about, and it was as weird as it seems. Can you imagine what it must be like to live in my brain?
  Hip-hop don't stop
  Drop it like it's burning' hot, damn
  Here I go again...*
• Name 3 places you’d like to go on vacation. Miami, Santa Fe, Seattle
• What scares you the most? big dogs & heights
• What is your favorite book of all time? see above
• What’s the funniest movie that you’ve seen? depends on the day. What stands out at the moment is Top Secret!
• Where are your kids right now? please pray with me that there are no kids right now
• What was the last thing you ate? homemade chicken soup
• Are you usually late, early or right on time? depends on the circumstances. For example: late for work, early for appointments (e.g. at the doctor's), right on time to see friends.
• What is your favorite band or singer? Alkaline Trio can do no wrong lately

+ + + + + + +The Creative Blogger Award

Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth – or – switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.

1. I actively dislike someone with whom I spend a lot of time, who thinks we are good friends
2. Given my ability to recollect wacko tidbits from the past, I've really got a dreadful practical memory
3. The primary benefit of getting married again, should it ever happen, would be changing my name
4. I usually don't know whether my rent checks will bounce until they don't...or do
5. A colleague called me at work once and at home twice, and emailed me on his day off several times over the past week. I had been sure that he was not interested in anyone my gender. Now I'm not so sure.
6. My IQ is evenly divisible by 7.
7. I spent more money on alcohol than food in the last week

+ + + + + + +The Versatile Blogger

Share 7 things about yourself.

1. I tell more truth through the songs I put on mixes than anyone really, really understands.
2. My dream vacation (beyond all the wistful beach-talk) is someplace quiet and often dark, where I can read and write during the day and sleep as long and hard as I need to. I'm fucking tired.
3. I almost universally dislike the color brown.
4. I'm vain about my toes and shy about my fingers.
5. A year ago, give or take, I was getting ready to fly to Texas.
6. I have developed a fiery temper within the last 5 years or so.
7. They say you can't miss what you've never had. They lie.

[from The Cat, who got it from a blog that is now private. I didn't realize she had select clearance!
* "Hot Mess" by Uncle Kracker, from Happy Hour]

if you have tears, prepare to shed them now

feelings are everywhere -- be gentle

87° and I've got the sniffles. WTF?!

Hair appointment in an hour or so. What shall we do today? I'm thinking of cutting it all off. Maybe I'll dye my scalp blue. (Or, yeah, maybe just a quarter inch off the ends and a few chunky highlights.)

I'm also half-asleep, which should make the process even more interesting. Really got to stop staying up half the night having fun. That sounds way more exciting than the reality...which was pretty good, I must admit.

I also get the rare treat of picking up both a prescription (nothing out of the ordinary) and a case of alcohol (half is for me, half for a gift) on the way home after the appointment. Nothing like having a check register that makes me look like a degenerate chemical dependent.

My thoughts are with friends traveling this weekend. I'll be waiting to find out that you've made it home safely.

[title quote by J. Masai]

you should have seen his face, when I told him I was his father!

1. How old will you be in five years? seventeen years older than the oldest I thought I'd ever be
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? no one--I've been blissfully alone all day so far
3. How tall are you? still 162.56 cm
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? some time away from work, seeing some friends, and probably some reckless spending
5. What’s the last movie you saw? haven't seen a film in a while, but Lost in La Mancha is waiting next to the TV if I'm in the mood this week
6. Who was the last person you called? Dr. Cutie. (It's just a sinus infection & a migraine.)
7. Who was the last person to call you? "restricted caller" at 6:39 this morning--some drunk asshole leaving a convoluted message for someone else
8. What was the last text message you received? "True that, as [M] would say!"
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? that restricted caller
10. Do you prefer to call or text? text. I almost never answer the phone when it rings with a real call.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Trying to sleep. The twerps across the hall were having a party (attended by at least 2 of my landlords) that lasted until well after 2AM.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Yes. I mean, they're married.
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? June
14. What color are your eyes? still blue
15. What time did you wake up today? 6:39
16. What are you wearing right now? blue v-neck t-shirt & navy pinstriped PJ pants
17. What is your favorite Christmas song? Dona Nobis Pacem
18. Where is your favorite place to be? depends what I'm doing. I like to sleep in my own bed. I like to hang out/talk/watch TV at the Cat-Beast's. I like to drink at PJs or my own kitchen (though lately Taxco has been getting the job done, too). I like to walk on the beach in Miami. I like to go to museums in Santa Fe. I like to people-watch in airports - O'Hare is a good one for that. Mall shopping is best at W-field, but I have a soft spot for O-Brook. The best bookstore is the Borders flagship in A2. But there's really nothing like sitting on the river in my hometown, watching the River go by.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be? work. Grocery shopping on a Saturday morning. Waiting for service at the salon. The dentist's office (not because I'm phobic, but because the hygienist is weird and sort of stalking me). Buffet restaurants.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? Spain. San Sebastian, specifically. I'd also like to see Ireland. And Miami, of course.
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? no clue
22. Do you tan or burn? yup. Lately, I burn.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? the truth. I was a terrible little liar, and they always came back to haunt me.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? [link died]
    
25. How many TVs do you have in your house? one
26. How big is your bed? Queen
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? yes. Both.
28. What color are your sheets? sort of like Cosmic Latte (#FFF8E7)
29. How many pillows do you sleep with? four
30. What is your favorite season? autumn
31. What do you like about Autumn? no more hot. Crunchy walking. Relief from the green (visually and allergically). Some days and nights with no AC. Wearing the clothes that have been shoved to the back of the closet for 6 months.
32. What do you like about winter? no more warm. Crisp air. Relief from the brown. Blankets on the bed (and on the couch, for reading). Wearing the clothes that have been shoved to the back of the closet for 10 months. Gloves. The [ever-more-elusive-] dream of a snow day.

[from The Cat, who got it here]

so in love with Bourdain

Reconciled my checking a few days ago. On the first run through, I was $800+ off. That's bad when there's less than $700 in that account. Second time around, it balanced to the penny. It probably reveals something about my personality that I did it a third time. (Also a perfect balance.)

I'm in a strange mood today, even for me. A good friend is in sad circumstances that I can't do anything about. At the same time, I'm on pins and needles: a old friend is "stopping by" for lunch. He's on a long motorcycle trip, just passing through this state. We haven't seen each other in a decade. We went through an unspeakably embarrassing interlude during high school. (Looking back on it, I really wish I wasn't such a "good" diarist, or that I hadn't kept those journals!) It's a testament to our maturity, or maybe the mutuality of the embarrassment, that we're still friends. Maybe "friends again" is the better way to say it. I don't know that any friendship could survive something like that. Regardless, it does feel awkward to be happy/excited right now.

So. Anthony Bourdain. Holy crap. I'm about halfway through Nasty Bits, which I'm reading ever-so-slowly so I can savor it, and one of the chapters that I read last night had me grinning through tears. This guy is my soulmate. The section is called "No Shoes," and is about a vacation that he took, during which time (a couple of months, this is) he did not once eat in a restaurant that required footwear. If you know me face to face, you know why that would appeal so much to me; I almost never wear shoes, and lately I even have a good reason to leave them off unless they're absolutely required. I haven't worn socks since mid-June. Ahhh....

Hmm. I wonder if this long-standing appreciation for Bourdain is responsible, in some small way, for my immediate, intense attraction to another tall, lean, pierced, cynical, well-spoken, handsome, irritating foodie that I met in November?

I was invited to a party last night. In itself, not such revolutionary news. The strange bit: the invitation came from The Mumbler. At first I was under the impression that I alone had been invited, of the few 'close' friends he's made at work. Luckily, I was set straight on that point real quick. I'd have hated to have acted in reliance on that notion; a situation that can sometimes veer into awkwardness already would have almost certainly become uncomfortable.

In any case, I did not go to the party. Though I have no reason to think that my friend will be of a mind to critique my housekeeping skills, I've been cleaning my apartment pretty much nonstop since I got home from work last night. I even washed the top of the fridge. Excuse: he's tall; he would have seen any accumulation of high-elevation bunnies. Also re-piled the piles of files waiting (for what?) to be filed, next to my file cabinet. And washed my shower curtains. 'Cause that makes perfect sense.

It's taken me at least an hour to write what I've got here so far, which is totally ridiculous. I'm a little distracted. I think I'll go pace around the living room for a while.